In The Quiet

It's the end of May, and I fear I have little to show for 2018 in my studio thus far, but I have recently begun painting again and have a few pieces to show. The one I like the best, I just finished last week and it's off to La Bodega gallery in CA for a "Spirit Animal" show in early June:

"Rae" 8x10, Acrylic on Canvas Panel

It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!

What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.

It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)

I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)

Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):

Parrot study, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel Available

Raccoon, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (sold)

"Party Crashers" 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, framed, available (on show currently at Thumbprint Gallery, CA)

Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.

I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.

And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."

So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.

A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.

My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)

I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!

So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!

Blurry Vision

You wouldn't think that art and eating would be connected, unless you're a chef, but for someone who uses food the wrong way it's absolutely linked. I found myself struggling with food today. Which is stupid, because today is the first day I got to be on a sorta-normal schedule.

I woke up at 5:45AM (just typing that makes me want to throw something) and made sure the dogs were taken care of, that my teenage son was up (this is like a game show, wondering each time if I've won or caught myself a whammy) and then managed to run a two mile HIIT before I saw out my son stumbling to the door moaning about the unfairness of it all as he headed off to school. By 7:15AM I was showered and dressed and making an on-plan breakfast. All was right with the world.

Well, maybe not all. The morning news is enough to send anyone to the doctor to beg for an antidepressant (or a sedative. I joke, but every time I turn on the TV the world outside my door seems to be getting worse and worse. I really honestly do struggle with being informed and being sucked down into a black hole of oblivion and wanting to crawl back into bed because of it.) Still, I pushed forward and eventually made it to my studio. I even had a healthy snack (as I was supposed to) before digging in.

Where I then accomplished next to nothing. I feel like I'm forcing it, but I managed to finish the underpainting on a polar bear (that I decided to paint because I'm not interested in any of the actual projects I am supposed to be working on.) It'll look better when I switch over to color and add depth and... well, color.

8x10, underpainting in acrylic, switching to oils for the good stuff!

And then. Then I had lunch and ate leftovers I shouldn't have, totally bypassing my plans. It kinda went downhill from there, and I honestly just didn't understand WHY.

My daughter still hasn't gone back to college yet, so my routine is not totally normal. But... while I have mixed emotions about that, I realize that's not it. The house isn't clean, the laundry isn't done, the weather is warm and all the snow is gone (and that's depressing to me - I'll even have the windows open tomorrow because it's going to be 70.) Those aren't the reason, either. I'm not thrilled about the world, or certain aspects of my life... everything feels wrong, just slightly off of right, and that's infuriating. But, still NOT it.

Plus, I was on plan until I went into my studio. Heck, I did an ab workout yesterday with my lower body weights that has left my stomach aching like it hasn't in a very long time. I have BEEN ON PLAN even feeling like things aren't right. So what happened?

My studio. I know my art career is bugging me. I know I have ideas of what might make me feel better. But, I realize now that I lack vision. I feel like I want someone to hand me a project, a big all-consuming project that will focus me entirely on it for the whole year. As a self-employed business owner, the only person who can do that is, well, me. And as a responsible employer, I have to say that the employee in question just isn't ready for a big project like that. I don't think she could pull it off right now, she simply isn't there with her skill level.

Just look at this:

These are in-progress paintings that absolutely need to be finished. I have learned that as artists, we sometimes start paintings that will never be finished and they need to be thrown out or reused. These are the survivors of that process that need to be finished, rather than tossed. And I just keep adding to the damn pile! 

Some are old. The planets? Yep, that sucker is from way back in Vermont, a few years I think, but I know exactly how it's going to be finished (and I haven't done a thing about it yet.) There is a big commission piece in the center. There are other pieces I dearly want to finish and just haven't. And the polar bears are NEW additions that I have added to the pile.

I lack vision. I'm creating and starting work, but not actually finishing anything because I lack vision. No amount of cleaning my house, or organizing my studio, or stuffing my face will change that. (Although, to be fair, I didn't try cleaning. Because, cleaning.)

So, I ate today. Did I go crazy and knock back a take-out pizza? No (also, calling a stranger and having them show up with food kind of freaks me out.) I did hit the left over Christmas candy, but probably not to the tune of major damage. Just enough damage. Damage to cause a halt in progress, maybe a backslide ever so slightly. And that doesn't feel good either. Not irreparable, but hurtful to me.

I realize that I ate because I am uncomfortable feeling lost. Like a hiker in the wilderness with her trusty backpack packed with a compass, flashlight, food, water, tent and more - I have all the tools. I just didn't bring the magic wand. I have to work this problem myself, put the tools to work, suck it up and figure it out on my own.

I ate because I am uncomfortable with me. My art is me, and I'm lost and have been for a very long while now. My original plan was to just paint. That's it. Just paint new things, try new things, and voila! New me!

As much as structure makes me itch... oh for the love of sugared squirrels, I NEED structure. Dagnabbit. Worse, I have to give it to myself!

So, I'm taking myself on as a client/artist to mentor. I have mentored several artists over the years, and now I need that myself... even if it's just from me to me. I'm putting together a plan with a schedule, and working out the details. I need to be working toward a goal, and while I don't have a specific goal yet, I can at least put the starting pieces into place.

My hope is that with more clarity and focus (and STRUCTURE) on this aspect of my life, I'll stop trying to eat my way through my kitchen like an 1980's escaped pac-man.

I can do this. I can make things better for myself.

I can do this.

Come on 2017! (Part One: The Downer)

2016 has been hard, don't you think? I don't know anyone that thinks it was a good year. Yet, I had some good things happen in 2016, big things, things that one would think would qualify it as a great year! But they don't.

I was thinking about this whole 2016-perspective-thing last night as a small spat broke out between my kids. We had been sitting outside on our porch, chatting around a little fire-table we got for Christmas (it doesn't put out much heat, so it was a little chilly, but it's neat to have one!) The conversation had been good, everything was pleasant... and then suddenly it wasn't. The evening ended on a sour note, and everyone left. When something like that happens, do you still feel like you had a good evening, or does the sour note sort of ruin all the good that came before and make you feel like you shouldn't have bothered in the first place?

My husband is the type of person who thinks that a great evening cannot be ruined by a bad ending. He immediately said it was a great evening with good conversation, and not to let the ending ruin it. My perspective is that if the evening ends with everyone feeling bad, it wasn't a good evening even if it started out well. That doesn't mean I won't try again, just that this time we missed the mark. I can see the good, but it's more of a lesson about how to maybe get it right next time (because ending bad is just bad, period. It was a bad evening.)

My husband finds my perspective disappointing because I'm not all chipper about how it went well until it went into the ditch and ended up with everyone mad at each other. I find his perspective frustrating because how on earth can you expect me to be all positive about the evening ending in a ditch?

I think we both have valid points, and likely neither one of us is right or wrong. Put them together, that's probably the most healthy viewpoint one can have. The good parts are worth building on, the bad are worth noting and maybe changing things for. I'm trying, hard, to find a way to adopt a hybrid view in general. Not only with last night, but also with 2016. Because to be honest, 2016 has pretty much just flat out ticked me off.

On the positive;

• We finally got furniture and sorta settled into the house, including finally getting my studio organized and stocked.
• We went to Paris, something I have wanted to do since I was a little girl!
• My daughter graduated High School and started college.
• My son passed his exam and got his driving learning permit, turned 16, and now *gasp* has his first girlfriend. (side note: both positives about my kids have also been hard for me, too.)
• I made a new friend, a real not just an acquaintance friend.

On the negative;

• I have struggled a great deal with depression. It got in the way of my art and other goals, and I guess I "let it" although I look back and I can see that I did try. Failed, but I didn't give up entirely either. I'm not going to share more on that.
• I don't think I like North Carolina, and now I'm going to be stuck here for a good many years.
• Trump. I don't care what your political leanings are, this is my opinion. I normally wouldn't mention political topics on here, but this is unbelievably far-reaching and has had a major impact and will continue to do so.
• I gained a significant amount of weight. 
• Health-scares galore in my family, especially with the kids. Add medical bills to this one, too.

Actually, I'm going to stop there. That's enough. Without going into further detail, 2016 has been miserable for me for 90% of it. Whether it's my fault or completely out of my control, it hasn't felt like a good year.

This is the last painting of mine for 2016. "Wilted" (sold) 6x6 inches, oil on loose canvas. 

This last painting, I did it as an assignment for Thrice Fiction Magazine. It's not really illustrative, it's just what sort of popped into my head. The more I have looked at it this past week, the more I realize that this is pretty much my 2016. How I felt, and maybe still feel. 

So, OK. I can say it. For me, regardless of the good things that happened, 2016 sucked. 

But you know what? Even so, I have a choice. You either have move forward and try to do better, or decide that 2017 is going to suck too. Even with my negative viewpoints, I'm not willing to just toss the towel in on 2017 and give it up. It's MY year, it's not even here yet, and I want to do better.

So, I'm working on goals. I'm working on things that are under my control, at least from my perspective at the moment (who knows what will happen) and setting goals for improvement and accomplishment. Not New Year's Resolutions, because those always seemed a bit silly to me. No, just personal goals that I can make mistakes on but keep on trying without having to say I failed at nailing them perfectly (which is how I view resolutions. They have always seemed like all or nothing.) 

I want to be better, do better in 2017. I need to, especially as it feels a lot like we're going to head into the year with the world falling apart and it's unlikely to get better. If the world is a mess, it's important to pull back and strengthen your base, your core, your safe space and self.

(part two, tomorrow with my goals)

Hello?

Every time I see "Hello" I hear Adele's song. Does anyone else have that problem? I blame my daughter for that, playing it incessantly this year while she was here and every time she visits.

I have to say, I don't know why photos from earlier posts are vanishing? I'm not going to go back and re-add them, it's just too much work. Maybe they'll show up again eventually?

You may have noticed that I disappeared for a while. I even deleted my blog there for a bit. Fortunately, blogger hangs onto it for a period of time so you can change your mind. I did, but then I still didn't post.

So much has been going on, and so little at the same time. I'm not sure if I did any clearing of my blog before I deleted it or not, so I'm not sure if I posted about life changes. As I have a draft in my folder, but it doesn't look like it was posted, I'll just assume I never said anything at all from May onward. 

I have a lot to say (and art to share), so this is going to take a few posts over the next week or two. Some might not seem art-related, but my life affects my art, so it really is!

There were big changes in my world, because my daughter graduated from High School and went off to college:

My daughter, on Graduation Day from High School

My daughter, in a painting I did of her this year. 9x12 inches, oil on stretched canvas.
(This one, I didn't sell. I have it on my wall.)

I now have an 18-year-old daughter, in college. An adult. This is a very strange marker to cross. I'm having a lot of thoughts, still, along the lines of "How did I get here?!" 

My youngest just turned 16 about a week ago. I have so little time left with "kids", and an unknown stretch in front of me with "adult children".  Also, my daughter felt it was a good time to mention that I could be a grandma in a few years. So, SO not helpful. I mean, I'll be a good grandma I think, but in my head I'm somewhere between 16-22 years old. I know I'm 41 logically... but I'm not on the inside. 

Facing this family phase of my life being over is proving unbelievably difficult for me. I suddenly understand why some people start over with more kids. Technically, I started my family at 23, so it wasn't that early. Yet, my peers/friends, people my age are actually just starting their families NOW. 

I know of very few friends who are in my position, and I know of so many who had a baby this year or a year or two past. Their houses are filled with that young laughter and energy. Mine has become remarkably changed. I noticed it when we had a neighborhood gathering here and I realized my house isn't kid-safe and it's boring for children. No more toys in any rooms or on floors (upside; no Lego's to step on at 2AM and almost die, so silver lining! Wait, is that why they call it a "silver" lining?)

I have a grown-up house now. Yikes!

We moved from Vermont to this house in North Carolina (over that long and horrible process) and we've only been here just over a year. When we moved, we purged a lot of old things. Old furniture (that it was safe to spill stuff on because after 14 years we weren't even sure WHAT color the couches were anymore), scratched and broken tables, toys that hadn't been played with in years, and so on. We got to buy new furniture here and we picked out stuff that went with the new house and our lives now. But it's grown-up stuff, most especially because the interior of the house is different... colder. It's not that we don't like it, but it's just, well, very adult-like instead of family-kids-like.

Having a child become an adult and seeing this phase of my life coming to a close is a difficult thing to face. Life really IS short. It seems so long when you're young, but it's not. 

Oh, and we're definitely not starting over with more kids. I can barely handle my husband's snoring ruining my sleep, I cannot even fathom getting up with a baby! Not NOW! I don't know how my peers are doing it. *yawn* My husband and I are both firm on that point, but I'm so sad about this part being over too. It's good my kids are successfully flying the nest, but it's heartbreaking too. 

I'm wondering what this means for me going forward. Finding my new normal. I'm not sure what that is, exactly. This is especially true when it comes to my studio and art. But, more on that later...

Taking Direction

After my last post, I think it was pretty clear that I was working on formulating a plan for myself. I need to correct my 75-25% balance, and I need to tighten my businesses up... fast! Because I was simply all over the place!

This got me to look at a few things closer (like my business finances), and then I promptly ate myself into oblivion for the rest of the week. I should probably mention that getting my art-life together isn't the only life I need to fix up. I have about 50 lbs to lose (I'm tall.) 25 lbs to not be considered "over weight" by all those annoying charts, and 25 more to get to where I know I feel decent. I'm not thin-thin at that point, but I'm healthy. No one will ever call me a willowy or slender person. *wistful sigh* I always wanted to be willowy.

Once I pulled myself out of my pity-food-coma, I started making decisions. Somewhere around that time I started making a list, because I was having trouble keeping track of all the things I had to do. It's a long, scary list right now.

Anyway, here are some of the things I figured out:

• First thing? Change my website provider because it was bleeding me dry (I was using Big Cartel, to have both a site and a store.) That's caused a huge surge of work for me to create a new site (and I'm still working), but I also decided to make Etsy my main store, and just have a basic site up otherwise. 
• On that front, I am dividing my work into THREE Etsy stores (cue the migraine) and I'm working on fixing those up...
• I'm dropping my random fantasy artwork, and focusing back specifically on fairy tales. That was my original intent, and I just got lost. 
• I'm also revisiting my surreal and abstract work, because I never should have dropped it to begin with, and Thrice Magazine shouldn't be the only reason I'm doing it. I got lazy and waited for the magazine art editor to give me a shove to do something. (I'm still doing stuff for Thrice, but now I'll be creating other pieces too.)
• I'm keeping my Whimsical Misfits, because I really like where I was going with that, they're fun, and by my normal long-painting standards, they're fast. They still take at least a day, but that's fast for me!
• I'm killing a side business I spent a lot of time setting up. A LOT. It's an LLC and everything, so it's going to take time to dissolve the LLC and shut bank accounts down, and so on. It was a really super idea, but it would mean I'd be all business and I don't think I could be successful and still paint. I'd rather be a successful artist than a successful business person (that only sells art, rather than making it.) So, I guess I figured out what my definition of success is.

I think part of figuring out a person's direction in life - anyone's life - IS in deciding what success means to you. If I was just after money or my name on a fancy plaque, well, there are a lot of paths to that. I have my degree in Business Administration as well as fine art. I could have stayed in the corporate world and worked that path and been successful... but it's not MY path, or at least it's not the one that would make me happy.

Even though some of these decisions have been hard, or even a little bit humiliating (shutting down the LLC is hard because I told so many people about it, and it was going to be great. Now, I'm killing it before it even launched so I can go back and paint again. Some people think I'm absolutely brain damaged at this point because of my choice) I realize that when stuff is all muddled up and wrong, EVERYTHING is wrong. It all gets messed up. 

Seriously, my moving life has been driving me insane, but I realized I messed things up for myself long before that. It started in my studio, I went off the path I had set for myself that I knew made me happy... and I made myself unhappy. That threw me into a ditch with my health (or you could say I jumped into the ditch), and that helped make me pretty miserable over all.

I'm trying not to be miserable. I'm trying really, really hard.  That's why I made these decisions, and why it was time to take a really hard and clear look. Make corrections where they are needed, shore up the good things that are there, and make room for the future. 

I'm still taking on a lot, and it's still overwhelming. But, I'm trying to make things better for myself. When you are trying to do something good, it's a little less overwhelming because the steps you are taking do start making you feel a little better. Even if they are hard.

And that includes getting my health back on track. I have a goal to be back at a normal weight by Christmas (my goal weight, actually - which I haven't seen since 2008. *sigh* But I haven't been over my weight range until this last year or so. I want back to goal, or close to it by the end of the year.) I know how to do it too, because side note here: I used to be obese, lost all the weight, even got certified as a personal trainer and did that for a while too. I have the knowledge, I have the skills, it just literally comes down to follow through. And that is the same for everything going on right now, art and not!

Follow through, that's my next step!

I have no art to show for this past week. It was a little wonky in general, but it feels just as productive as a painting considering where I am at now!

Taking the Time

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm often caught up in my thoughts, but something in particular really hit me the other day. I was listening to the radio and they were discussing the possibility of certain stolen famous paintings being returned. The guest mentioned that if they could recover a Vermeer, they'd be especially grateful as only 35 paintings of his exist.

I actually love Vermeer. I know I paint often wild and fantastical things, and I tend to lean towards a more impressionistic style at times, but I really love Baroque painting. In particular, it's these artists' use of light that makes me want to just sit and look at the painting for hours.

Anyway, what struck me is that only 35 paintings... 35!!! A master of his work, arguably poor (he died in debt), but only 35 paintings. He worked slowly, maybe three a year or so, but he left a beautiful collection as his legacy. There seems to be some sort of balance in this modern age between quality and quantity, and being a prolific painter seems to be important to success. But then, I suppose it's how you define success that matters. Vermeer wasn't wildly successful, but his 35 paintings he has left are arguably a big success as they are simply amazing.

I've mentioned it before, but when it comes to painting I am actually a slow painter. I can do some smaller faster ones, but anything bigger and detailed like my white rabbit (below) takes months. MONTHS! Months and months.

"Tea Time" 16x20, acrylic on stretched canvas

It's not the actual physical time of painting, either - although that takes a while too (if you've seen the video of me painting this, you see how much I spend on certain elements where other artists probably layer quickly and move on. I am not satisfied with that, and I really push the paint and my brushes hard.)

It's the thinking that goes on. When I paint, I don't have it all worked out exactly how I want it to look. I feel like the painting kind of grows on its own. I know how I want certain elements to look, certainly, but there are many aspects where I feel like I'm open to negotiation and let the paint take me where it wants to. That takes time. Sometimes it's sitting there staring at it. Other times it's thinking about it while doing something else. But no matter where that time is taken up, it still IS.

I've finished these recently:

"Bert & Emmy" 9x12 watercolor and acrylic on 140lbs hot-pressed 100% cotton paper.
Currently up for open auction on facebook.

"Timmy" 6x6 oil on a professional ampersand wooden panel.

I also created a special page for my monsters, Whimsical Misfits.

This is part of the Traveling Journal, where this book is going all over the place to different artists and we each get two pages to fill however we'd like. This is my contribution.

Those three paintings did not take as long, obviously, but they probably still took more time than most artists. They're also simple pieces without detailed backgrounds or surroundings.

My Queen of Hearts is taking a long time:

Just snapped this quickly with my phone, bad lighting, sorry

But I realize it's because I want to get it right. I want to make another really good painting that feels like you could walk into it. A window to another world. THAT is what I want to leave behind as my painting legacy.

A window to another world. And for me, those windows take time. I feel such guilt and pressure because I am so slow. I feel that if I was better at this, I would be painting faster. Because of that, I find little things I can paint to distract myself and feel like I have accomplished something, but it's a false sense. I feel accomplished when I finish these deeper paintings, and I'm starting to realize that's important.

Even if I only paint 30 really spectacular paintings in my lifetime, I would be prouder of that than 2,000 fast ones that lack what I want to put into them.

I'm not sure exactly where I am going with this, because I'm not going to let certain things go (like the misfit monsters, or my fairytale I'm going to make via a series of paintings), because I like them. But I realize that I need to allow myself to take the time to feel accomplished, and that perhaps being slow is just something I need to accept rather than run away from or feel bad about.

Admitting It's Hard

When you are writing about your passion in life, which also happens to be your career, as I do with art, it's hard to think about posting about the bad things. I have to be honest, however. When people ask if I am OK right now, I have to say "I'm fine" with that twist in my gut... because I'm not.

I cannot be completely open with what's going on, but no one's deathly ill or anything like that. No one has lost their job, no one has died. But at the same time, it's big. It keeps me up at night with tearful worries, watchful and always on the alert. Which is exhausting, it's flat out exhausting! Having this sort of soul-deep worry all the time is... I don't even know how to explain how awful it is. 

And it's totally out of my control. I'm doing what I can to make things better, but it's like throwing pebbles at a mountain and hoping it'll move. It's just not in my power to make any more of a difference than I already do, and instead I get to spend my time fearfully. 

So, I'm sharing. I'm saying things are not OK. That I would break down and have a sob-fest, but that would just further exhaust me, so what's the point?

I cannot say that I have a silver lining, but I can say that apart from that mess things are not so awful. It doesn't cheer me up, because it's not enough, but at least I have some positive things to report.

The first is that I worked and worked, and I finally got my new website up and running! This is a big deal because I had to move providers and work on the layouts, and everything. More, I can finally offer prints and other merchandise (like fine art magnets, cards and more) directly from me - AND it's easy to add new products instead of a major exercise in web design every time I finished a new painting. I just didn't realize how wide an inventory I had until I did this though, wow.

Greeting Cards

Postcard sized magnets

So, YAY! And it's at www.KWilsonStudio.com or www.KyraWilson.net, just like before.  It's nice and clean, and works wonderfully!

I finished the last of my Halloween minis for the year:

sold

sold

White Owl, mini 2x4 inches acrylic on stretched canvas $35

Screech, ultra-mini 2x2 inches acrylic on stretched canvas $25

And then I felt I was done with Autumn and Halloween. I'm now in a distinctly wintry mood. I sometimes put artwork on Facebook in the art auction forums, and this week there is a theme for a snow queen. I had been thinking about doing one anyway, so it was perfect. I decided to pull out my watercolors and I sketched this out on a block:

The block for her is 9x12. I'm putting in little snowflakes and such all over. 

And then I got scared about painting her in. Totally irrationally, but it's been a little while since I did watercolors. So, I decided this morning to do a super fast sketch and painting just to remind myself how I do it. The result is this:

I'm calling her Jess. I think she'll be up in the art auction group tomorrow. It looks better than this in person. I snapped a quick pic with my cellphone, and well... there ya go.

I'm relatively pleased with how she came out. Her eyes and the highlights on her lips and hair are iridescent. Shiny, I can't stop making things shiny. It's still not up to what I'd want it to be, but it was good practice. I think I need to work on pushing some areas farther back, and of course I see all sorts of errors... but I still like her!

So, with that picture behind me, I've started on my snow queen. I'm layering in the shadows right now, working the skin and face first. I hope she comes out nicely! I also have a painting rolling around for my holiday card. I'm still working on the composition, but I'm leaning towards a row of stockings with mice and a cat... and maybe a squirrel. We'll see. 

Lastly, there are mice living in my car. Yes, mice. They're even in my ceiling (it's very creepy to be sitting at a stop light and hear scrabbling from above you.) It's turning into a full scale war right now, and they're winning. I'm waiting to see my car drive off one of these morning with a mouse at the wheel!

So, that's where things are at. Hard. Exhausting. Just moving forward, because progress still needs to happen. I sure hope things get better.

Monday, Monday

Hello all! I've done another vlog for my Video Monday, and I've got a slew of stuff cookin' today!

First, let me clarify this after the video: you try to cover it with your thumb, and then whichever one shows the object covered when you close the other is the dominate eye.

Moving on, here is my finished Caterpillar painting:

"Cool Cat" 9x12" acrylic on stretched canvas

I like him! He's very laid back, something I'm not. I always wish that I could be more Zen about stuff, but I'm a lot more like the white rabbit than the caterpillar.

Today, minus working on the video and getting my caterpillar all squared away, I'm working on those watercolors I showed in the video. This is an earlier in progress sketch:

A friend mentioned she'd be interested in just a sketch some time, that she prefers the medium. I, once upon a time, was afraid of color and ONLY did black and white sketches (I clearly have gone whole hog on the color now, though. It's an addiction at this point. Color, and the shiny color. Shiny!) So, I'm contemplating making a nice sketch. You know, all back to my roots and all! I may try that a bit down the road when I don't have so many deadlines on me!

Have a fabulous Monday!

Closing the Year

2012 is fast headed out the door, and 2013 looms before us!

This has been a large year for me on the art front because, while I've been selling professionally since 2001, I shut down every other business and idea outside of art this year and committed to it 100% by June. I shut the doors on my photography business in May when it became clear that both businesses were heating up and requiring too much to allow both to survive, and that's when I made the final decision to finally say yes to the paint.  (Want to know more about my art-business path? I was invited to talk about it in a guest post here.)

I even figured out how to make a time-lapse video of my paintings (I made three, actually!)

I also learned that I can make a video blog (vlog?) from my phone, and tried it out:

I plan on actually doing more of those vlogs (and decorating my studio a bit more, because it looks depressingly stark on the video! I should add that my house is vibrant everywhere else, and I think I removed the color from everything in there so mine would be the focus when I added it to the canvases!) And I hear tell that some artists are trying art-meet-ups via Skype or other video chatting, and I'm interested in giving that a go... if I can get over my shyness, and find others who want to chat while we work!

I have a lot of goals for 2013, and I'm looking forward to a year filled with paint and opportunities! I'm going to make it a goal to finish a painting a week. Sure, my larger paintings take more time (months and months in some cases) but I promise to take the time to work on some smaller, faster ones as well. Allowing for some sick and vacation time, that means about 48-50 new paintings next year!

I'm going to tighten back up my sketching skills so I jump forward in other ways. I used to work solely in pencil, not even color. I remember working so hard in high school on detail that I made a picture of my hand that looked like a black and white photograph when I was finished (boring, but all about the detail - composition didn't matter then.) Once I achieved that, I wanted a new challenge, and that was color. I slid first to acrylics and I didn't like the results, so I backtracked and went heavy with chalk pastels. For some reason, color meant more about expression than detail, and I loosened up in order to allow for that.

Eventually I conquered the paint, and my tight detail rendering slid into the shadows as I learned I just needed the basic outlines for painting, and the detail came from the paint instead. It's time to revisit the detail and work on crossing it with the color - in particular with watercolors, where the details count in the pencil rendering. This will make my "painting a week" more achievable, because watercolor just works a bit faster than acrylic or oils for me.

Speaking of oils, they're coming out this year. I miss the depth! I plan on using them for any people I paint, because it just looks better to me. It's going to be tough waiting for the oils to try as the trade-off, but it'll be worth it. I'll still work in acrylics as well, though.

Lastly, I'm going to continue working on my fairytale series, but I'm also resurrecting my abstracts and surreal body of work (I had pulled them from my site when I did a major revamp almost two years ago, I think.) I'm going to be offering some prints of the older ones, and new ones are already lining up for the easel! Also, this work dovetails nicely with THRICE Fiction Magazine, where I have been lucky enough to be asked contribute artistically, along with other talented artists and writers.

I'm thankful to all who have supported my art, as well as those who have found a piece they like and took it into their homes! It's been a huge 2012 for me, and I'm looking forward to 2013! I hope you had a wonderful year, and have a fabulous 2013!

Winter Wishes

Tonight, I finished a mini-painting (while piles of cookies and remnants of wrapping paper lay all around me):

"Flurry" 4x6" watercolor, available for purchase on my main site.

I really love the snow queens lately, but even more than that I love the luminance that watercolors give to the "skin" of the people I paint. It's something I guess I never really paid attention to before. I remember watercoloring figures and faces about a decade ago (maybe a few here and there since, but mostly about 10 years ago) and I always felt like I was fighting the paper. I was always trying to add layers all over, the way one does with oils when building the skin. You under-paint, and build, and build, and that's how you create a depth and luminance with paint and canvas.

However, with watercolor? I finally - finally - got it. I stopped fighting it. I learned to let the light shine through it and I'm simply in LOVE with it. It's almost like capturing light with the slightest of cages of your paint, and shaping it into something else. I'm a hard contrast type of painter though, I can't live without the vibrancy that the colors bring, so when I get the chance to use color I go hard and heavy with it. The resulting contrast and "glow" is something I'm a wee bit obsessed with at the moment. I just love it... I sort of crave it, like I would a piece of chocolate cake. (I'm rather grateful for the calorie-free satisfaction of it all!)

I believe I'll not only be painting more snow queens, but more figures in general with my watercolors, as I work through this newest obsession. I'm working on a Santa that I started at the same time as my snow queen, but my hopes are dwindling that he'll turn out:

You can see my snow queen was in progress. They're smaller paintings, so I needed to be able to switch between the two to allow for drying time and making myself walk away from the paper!

My Santa just looks a bit... feminine. I paint women for the most part, so it's understandable I suppose. We'll see. I still have a ways to go, and there's always the chance it'll work out in the end!

I'm going to try to finish him, but I may walk away for a bit. I have a strong desire to paint some abstracts right now. I have one in progress, and another one on my mind. I've also been playing with the theme of angels. I plan on playing tomorrow by combining the two and seeing where it leads.

I recently was able to watch the whole documentary Who Does She Think She Is? I found it to be both inspiring and depressing at the same time. If you're a woman artist, I think it's worth the watch. I've been thinking a lot about it over the past few days, and I realized that the disconnect with my abstract side needs to be remedied. I've been starting to do so already, but I'm going to make a bigger effort to allow that to happen.

My best selling print, even to this day, is an abstract/surreal work that I painted many years ago:

"Tempest", 16x20, Oil

There is a reason for that, and I'm realizing where the connection is for me personally. It's not about selling, it's about feeling complete. My abstracts seem to be more steeped in emotion, and I miss painting that way. However, I also enjoy painting the ones I do now, like my Alice in Wonderland Series that I'm in the middle of, and others like the snow queens and fun holiday themed paintings. Just like with the watercolors and learning to embrace the light within them as well as applying my heavy hand with contrasting color, I realize that I crave the balance between my emotional abstracts with my story telling and playful paintings.

Balance.

I am both, and I'm going to allow for that to flourish! That is my gift this year to myself. I thought it was taking time off to just play in the studio, but really that was just my stocking stuffer. My real gift is allowing myself the room to learn how to embrace all of me as an artist, and it will likely be a lifelong endeavor!

On a side note, when my facebook art page is up to 300 likes, I'm going to give away a free 5x7 panel painting (or a watercolor if the winner so chooses). So stop by and say hello!

In Order to See You Better!

Today, I get to go pick out my first pair of glasses. Granted, they're only for when I paint, but it's a big change for me!

I started noticing I was having some trouble with close up work a bit ago, but I muddled through it. Then, one day I couldn't. I simply couldn't work as close as I needed to and be able to see what I was working on at the same time. Oh, the horror!

So, yesterday I went and got my eyes checked out. While I'm mostly fine, for that up close work I need a little something, and apparently I'm just now developing slight astigmatisms in both eyes. Which makes it sound like my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head, couldn't they have come up with a better name than that? If it's just about shape, why do they have to make it sound like a deadly disease?

Anyway, I'm off to go try on frames and see if I can pull off the librarian look! I don't know how long it takes to have glasses made, so I'm not sure if I'll actually receive them today or not, but here's hoping!

I'm getting closer to finishing my white rabbit painting:

I keep looking at his eye though, and I think I need to drop his lid a bit. I know the white rabbit was generally an excitable fellow, but the paranoid look is a little disconcerting after a while!