Chocolate and Wonderland and On!

I had to go and check my blog to see what I had and hadn't posted, and found that I just hadn't posted. UGH! Well, I have actually gotten some art done, so let me hit that right now!

The first painting I completed for 2019 is one that I had been dragging my heels on for a while. I have been wanting to close out Alice for a long time, but I had a special collector who wanted two last pieces done. The biggie is Queen Alice:

Queen Alice, 18x24, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold)

 And then a small little piece for her collection of the drink and cakes from Wonderland. Forgive the photo, I only snapped this one with my phone - I don't know why I didn't get a proper scan - but perhaps it was because I knew I wasn't going to offer prints of it or anything, and it was just quickly on its way to its owner:

Drink me/Eat me, 8x10, acrylic on stretched canvas

 The reason I found this one so hard was because in order for it to fit the collection, I needed to paint in my old style. But artists evolve, and I definitely have. Here is most of the Alice series I did (missing only a couple little pieces):

 My figures changed, my colors changed, etc. I didn't realize how MUCH until I was working on Queen Alice, and I just found it so hard to switch back. Still, I was happy to complete this series and leave Alice behind!

My next deadline was for a group show and the theme was "children's story reimagined". I chose the 12 Dancing Princesses. My take on it was that the princesses were often portrayed as unfeeling and awful creatures delighting in tricking everyone while they danced the night away. BUT... how happy and delighted would YOU be to be forced to dance every night, ALL night, until you had worn clean through your brand new dancing shoes?

People, there is no amount of coffee in the world that would help that situation. So, I painted five of them (because 12 in one painting looks more like a pile-up at a football game) quite exhausted, in the underground jeweled forest:

"After the Dance" 14x18, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold, prints available)

I think it's clear that my Alice painting mind-set had a bit of influence over this piece. Somewhere in between my old style and my current one.

I then was free of obligations, having said no to commissions and such so I could clear the decks, my mind, whatever else, and just PAINT for a while. It was around Valentine's Day, so I painted some small chocolates:

"Chocolates and Strawberries" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

"Truffles" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

I knew from years past that I enjoy painting chocolate. It's so easy to make them look real (when they're square. The truffles were a nightmare.) However, I had such awful cravings! I ate boxes and boxes of strawberries after the top one. I also went out and bought a ton of clearance Valentine's Day chocolate to take my own reference photos (these were referenced from Pixabay.)

Do you know what multiple pounds of chocolate smells like under studio lights when you're snapping pictures? I think I gained five pounds just because of the aroma. Good grief!

Yeah, and then I ate them. *head*desk* Not helping me lose the 20lbs I have gained since I moved back to Vermont! Although, I feel like I could kinda get away with the strawberries. They're healthy! Oh sure, I know, I know... moderation is the key. *dramatic sigh*

I really liked painting the chocolates, and I have good reference photos, but I realized I'm kind of in the mood to do more still-lifes, so I bought some other produce and used some left over wine, and snapped a bunch of photos I plan on using soon as well. I've been thinking about that though.

While I am enjoying doing basic still-life paintings, I want to add a few elements that make them more *me*, and not just any old still-life. If you have any suggestions, let me know! At the moment, I'm contemplating small animals (Duckling? Bunny? I thought of a mouse, but people get freaked out by mice by food, so maybe not. Chipmunk, maybe?)

Lastly, this week I finished this piece:

"Tempus" 11x14, acrylic on gallery deep wooden panel

I started this piece while staying in a hotel room during a family crisis a year ago. I set it aside and occasionally worked on it, but I never had a good vision with it. Over the last week, I picked it back up again and finally settled on this. It's strange that I finished it a year later, and being able to reflect on my life then and now. I won't say everything is better, because it's not. Life is forever changed.

But I'm here. Time did pass. Things have changed. And that means something!

Moving forward, I'm hoping to start producing more. But then, that's always my goal! PAINT FASTER!!! And better. Always trying to improve my techniques! I need to switch back over into my oils, but I think I've been waiting on the warmer weather so I can have the windows open.

Oh, lastly, I turned 44 in February.

That's me, on my birthday, just like I do every year. Next year, if life is good to me and my family and they're healthy and I am too, I should be an "empty nester". It'll be an interesting phase in my life! Gotta get there first, though!

Off to paint! I think I'm in the mood for landscape experimentation at the moment!

Hello 2019!

I have to admit that I sat down to write out a post several times over the past months, and I just couldn't do it. I think part of the reason behind that was that every time I posted, something else would go wildly wrong, and it all just became too overwhelming.

I think a lot of people had a rough, or even awful 2018. I didn't see any posts on social media expressing how much they didn't want to see 2018 go, and rather it was a lot more "don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2018!"

As always, I use the end of the year to review. Some years, I feel pretty good about my year even with the knocks. This year, like so many other people, I was just over it.

At the tail end of the year, I tried to knock out some challenge paintings... that I then went and got too complicated with and only managed two of the 12 I should have done. One is a raccoon, and even though the prompt was "cookie", I'm pretty sure I channeled my own issues which led to me gaining 15 lbs since I moved back to Vermont...

"MY Cookie" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (available)

Do you see it? I totally see it.

Man, I wish my pants fit right now. I'm trying to tell myself that making my jeans tight just made them into compression stockings... right? *sigh* I need a button that let's me zip my mouth shut. I still haven't hopped back onto the healthy eating train either. I was going to, I totally was going to! And then I tried to give up coffee, my son blew out his knee trying yoga with me, and... cookie.

The other painting prompt was "Ribbon":

Red Ribbon, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

Earlier, I got this one done for a deadline that I actually missed... but I liked him so much I had to finish him anyway. He's my "Twitterphant"!

"Twitterphant" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

And then lastly, working with Thrice Fiction, I was given a story by someone I think Christmas doesn't bring good feelings for (that's putting it mildly.) I'm a holiday freak, as I'm sure you all know, so this was actually a challenge. I read the story to my kids and we came up with a zombie hand, but festive-style!

Zombie Christmas Tree, 5x7, Acrylic... my son is thinking of keeping it

I have to say I LOVE painting twinkle lights. There's something about being able to use paint to make you think something is glowing in real life. It's funny, because it's just paint... but your brain says "those are lights, and they are on" - I've never been able to paint a candle with the same effect, but I have seen it in some paintings and always marveled over it. I CAN pull it off with twinkle lights, though! HA! (Mental note: practice painting more candles this year.)

I'm kicking myself for missing the holiday season and having a reason to paint twinkle lights. Maybe Christmas 2019 will let me go wild with the lights in all the paintings! Here's hoping I get a chance to actually get a shot at that!

As always, I put together my painting quilt. This is EVERY single painting of 2019. I wish I had done more, but the ones I did, not so bad! My color choices continued to shift to more earthy (natural) tones, and I'm really enjoying that.

I have goals for 2019... not the least of which is to fit into my clothing again. I know, I know... no cookie. Sigh. 

I plan on painting. As always, that is my goal. My hope is to rebuild and bulk up my portfolio and start laying down artistic roots once again now that I am back in Vermont and it really feels like home. This year has the potential to yield big and wonderful things, and I truly hope that is what is actually in store for me.

I really hope you all had a decent 2018, but if not, at least it's over. I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone!

Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Hello?

Every time I see "Hello" I hear Adele's song. Does anyone else have that problem? I blame my daughter for that, playing it incessantly this year while she was here and every time she visits.

I have to say, I don't know why photos from earlier posts are vanishing? I'm not going to go back and re-add them, it's just too much work. Maybe they'll show up again eventually?

You may have noticed that I disappeared for a while. I even deleted my blog there for a bit. Fortunately, blogger hangs onto it for a period of time so you can change your mind. I did, but then I still didn't post.

So much has been going on, and so little at the same time. I'm not sure if I did any clearing of my blog before I deleted it or not, so I'm not sure if I posted about life changes. As I have a draft in my folder, but it doesn't look like it was posted, I'll just assume I never said anything at all from May onward. 

I have a lot to say (and art to share), so this is going to take a few posts over the next week or two. Some might not seem art-related, but my life affects my art, so it really is!

There were big changes in my world, because my daughter graduated from High School and went off to college:

My daughter, on Graduation Day from High School

My daughter, in a painting I did of her this year. 9x12 inches, oil on stretched canvas.
(This one, I didn't sell. I have it on my wall.)

I now have an 18-year-old daughter, in college. An adult. This is a very strange marker to cross. I'm having a lot of thoughts, still, along the lines of "How did I get here?!" 

My youngest just turned 16 about a week ago. I have so little time left with "kids", and an unknown stretch in front of me with "adult children".  Also, my daughter felt it was a good time to mention that I could be a grandma in a few years. So, SO not helpful. I mean, I'll be a good grandma I think, but in my head I'm somewhere between 16-22 years old. I know I'm 41 logically... but I'm not on the inside. 

Facing this family phase of my life being over is proving unbelievably difficult for me. I suddenly understand why some people start over with more kids. Technically, I started my family at 23, so it wasn't that early. Yet, my peers/friends, people my age are actually just starting their families NOW. 

I know of very few friends who are in my position, and I know of so many who had a baby this year or a year or two past. Their houses are filled with that young laughter and energy. Mine has become remarkably changed. I noticed it when we had a neighborhood gathering here and I realized my house isn't kid-safe and it's boring for children. No more toys in any rooms or on floors (upside; no Lego's to step on at 2AM and almost die, so silver lining! Wait, is that why they call it a "silver" lining?)

I have a grown-up house now. Yikes!

We moved from Vermont to this house in North Carolina (over that long and horrible process) and we've only been here just over a year. When we moved, we purged a lot of old things. Old furniture (that it was safe to spill stuff on because after 14 years we weren't even sure WHAT color the couches were anymore), scratched and broken tables, toys that hadn't been played with in years, and so on. We got to buy new furniture here and we picked out stuff that went with the new house and our lives now. But it's grown-up stuff, most especially because the interior of the house is different... colder. It's not that we don't like it, but it's just, well, very adult-like instead of family-kids-like.

Having a child become an adult and seeing this phase of my life coming to a close is a difficult thing to face. Life really IS short. It seems so long when you're young, but it's not. 

Oh, and we're definitely not starting over with more kids. I can barely handle my husband's snoring ruining my sleep, I cannot even fathom getting up with a baby! Not NOW! I don't know how my peers are doing it. *yawn* My husband and I are both firm on that point, but I'm so sad about this part being over too. It's good my kids are successfully flying the nest, but it's heartbreaking too. 

I'm wondering what this means for me going forward. Finding my new normal. I'm not sure what that is, exactly. This is especially true when it comes to my studio and art. But, more on that later...

Itchy Feet

I really thought that I would finally be getting back into the swing of things in the studio once the kids got back into school. Unfortunately, my husband reminded me that he had a forced vacation the entire Labor Day week, and then my son came down with some sort of stomach bug.

To be fair, I suppose I should have seen the stomach bug coming. Back to school, if you have kids you know this, is filled with buying pencils and paper, and everyone getting sick for the first couple of months. Its inevitable. The children are just walking petri dishes waiting to unleash their biological warfare upon one another. I guess I just secretly hoped that since my youngest just started Junior High (7th grade), that this would be behind us.

*sigh*

The forced vacation my husband had to take (the company is forcing employees to burn their vacation time) is at a bad time because he's also coaching for the local high school and the children are obviously in school, so really we cannot go anywhere fun and he has obligations by 2 PM. That means we are here, and here means house projects. Lots and lots of house projects.

Instead of painting.

Yesterday, I dug holes for trees and shrubs. Even with gloves, I have blisters all over my hands. I am glad they're planted though!

We also went and looked at some houses that are on the market. For a while we thought that maybe we needed to totally change where we live, move states perhaps? That looks to be unfeasible at this time, so we thought that perhaps we don't need to change everything. Maybe we just need to change the here and now.

The truth is that we've outgrown our house. It isn't a small abode, but it's... crowded. Rooms just need to be a couple of feet bigger (especially the bedrooms, the poor kids. But even our bedroom doesn't have enough room.) I need more space in the kitchen. And when it comes to my studio? Forget it! The studio space is just storage for my studio, with things crammed in every corner. I've been painting in my kitchen or living room, or even on my bed. There simply is NO space here anymore.

This was a good house when we moved in with an almost 3-year-old and another on the way, me just being mom. Now, I have essentially two teenagers, and TWO businesses. Don't even get me started on the pets (three dogs, two rabbits, one giant cat, 20+ chickens, and two fish. Granted, the fish don't take up much room.) The cars don't fit in the garage, the landscaping is insane with this much open space, and everyone is on top of each other.

There aren't many houses on the market out here, so there hasn't been much cause to actually look. However, I found a couple that we were interested in and we poked through them on Tuesday. One of them might actually work. It's much bigger than our house is now (I would even say it's perhaps too big, which is a problem we're considering as we work through this.) Everyone would have their own room and I would actually have a dream studio. Maybe not the one I pictured nestled into the trees, it's very own building... but let's face it, I'd need to win the lottery to make that a reality! It would be on the top floor, a sort of finished attic with skylights and a couple windows, but it's big enough. It's perfect.

The house has privacy too, something I want more of (I'm a hermit!) It needs work, maybe more than is reasonable... we'll have to see. We're actually at the point where we're weighing the pros and cons quite seriously while we're waiting to hear back from our realtor what she's ferreted out about the property (which is currently rented to a bunch of college students, so it's one step shy of a frat house right now. It's not in horrible condition, but it's not great either.)

We basically have itchy feet. We need something to change, something major. I have felt this brewing for a long while, but I think seeing a house that could solve many of our problems (and probably create all new ones) really triggered the idea that we could actually change things.

And that, folks, is scary as all get out! I've been having nightmares, and I'm not sleeping much. I didn't realize how scary the reality of possibly uprooting everything we've built these last 14 years would actually be. When did I get so set in my ways and afraid of change?

Sheesh!