Not every sketch, canvas, idea deserves the same amount of time in your studio. Yet, when you work professionally in the arts, I think here is a sort of pressure to make every moment count. A sketch? Well, hopefully you're using it as a study or set-up for the next piece you're doing (and maybe someone will want to even buy the concept sketch.) A painting study? Well, could you work a bit longer on it and make it better, more finished (I know it's just a study, but... shouldn't you?)
No. You shouldn't. *I* shouldn't.
But getting my brain wrapped around that fact is incredibly hard for some reason.
I used to think it was because I sell my work, file business taxes, marketing, etc. I'm a full on business (I know people think artists just sit around and create and that's all there is to it, but that's only a part of the business - with BUSINESS being the much harder part of the equation!) I have a business degree, and I actually use it. However, while having that business sense and know-how is helpful, I think it also brings along a sense of obligation to every stroke of my brush. All activity should be in the pursuit of finished product.
And that's just wrong. Not to mention, it's unfair to me as an artist!
With the commissions cleared from my schedule and shows pared down to the bare minimum, I've been able to play with different subject matter and techniques. I'm happy about that, but I'm also trying hard to do better with the art of LIAFCOL! (That's "Leave it ALONE, for Crying Out Loud!!!)
Not every piece should be "done". Not every painting will be sell-worthy, and shouldn't be because that shouldn't be the goal of every painting. Painting as a business has an obligation to sell, but painting as a complete business has an obligation for the artist (supplier) to grow and develop.
We do not learn by doing everything perfectly.
We learn by making mistakes, or half attempts, or just trying one little thing and getting it right (or wrong, and wrong again, and wrong AGAIN! Then right somehow... maybe) so we can add it to our toolboxes and use it on a piece that will be "product" one day.
But I haven't been letting myself do that. I see every canvas as a challenge to finish it, and finish it correctly. How shortsighted and silly of me, really! Or really, not silly enough. I need more silly, more relaxed, more "huh, tried that... didn't work out... moving on!" in my art-life.
So along with exercise, my goal is to work more on LIAFCOL this year!
Showing posts with label painting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label painting. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Friday, March 15, 2019
Chocolate and Wonderland and On!
I had to go and check my blog to see what I had and hadn't posted, and found that I just hadn't posted. UGH! Well, I have actually gotten some art done, so let me hit that right now!
The first painting I completed for 2019 is one that I had been dragging my heels on for a while. I have been wanting to close out Alice for a long time, but I had a special collector who wanted two last pieces done. The biggie is Queen Alice:
And then a small little piece for her collection of the drink and cakes from Wonderland. Forgive the photo, I only snapped this one with my phone - I don't know why I didn't get a proper scan - but perhaps it was because I knew I wasn't going to offer prints of it or anything, and it was just quickly on its way to its owner:
The reason I found this one so hard was because in order for it to fit the collection, I needed to paint in my old style. But artists evolve, and I definitely have. Here is most of the Alice series I did (missing only a couple little pieces):
My figures changed, my colors changed, etc. I didn't realize how MUCH until I was working on Queen Alice, and I just found it so hard to switch back. Still, I was happy to complete this series and leave Alice behind!
My next deadline was for a group show and the theme was "children's story reimagined". I chose the 12 Dancing Princesses. My take on it was that the princesses were often portrayed as unfeeling and awful creatures delighting in tricking everyone while they danced the night away. BUT... how happy and delighted would YOU be to be forced to dance every night, ALL night, until you had worn clean through your brand new dancing shoes?
People, there is no amount of coffee in the world that would help that situation. So, I painted five of them (because 12 in one painting looks more like a pile-up at a football game) quite exhausted, in the underground jeweled forest:
I knew from years past that I enjoy painting chocolate. It's so easy to make them look real (when they're square. The truffles were a nightmare.) However, I had such awful cravings! I ate boxes and boxes of strawberries after the top one. I also went out and bought a ton of clearance Valentine's Day chocolate to take my own reference photos (these were referenced from Pixabay.)
Do you know what multiple pounds of chocolate smells like under studio lights when you're snapping pictures? I think I gained five pounds just because of the aroma. Good grief!
Yeah, and then I ate them. *head*desk* Not helping me lose the 20lbs I have gained since I moved back to Vermont! Although, I feel like I could kinda get away with the strawberries. They're healthy! Oh sure, I know, I know... moderation is the key. *dramatic sigh*
I really liked painting the chocolates, and I have good reference photos, but I realized I'm kind of in the mood to do more still-lifes, so I bought some other produce and used some left over wine, and snapped a bunch of photos I plan on using soon as well. I've been thinking about that though.
While I am enjoying doing basic still-life paintings, I want to add a few elements that make them more *me*, and not just any old still-life. If you have any suggestions, let me know! At the moment, I'm contemplating small animals (Duckling? Bunny? I thought of a mouse, but people get freaked out by mice by food, so maybe not. Chipmunk, maybe?)
Lastly, this week I finished this piece:
I started this piece while staying in a hotel room during a family crisis a year ago. I set it aside and occasionally worked on it, but I never had a good vision with it. Over the last week, I picked it back up again and finally settled on this. It's strange that I finished it a year later, and being able to reflect on my life then and now. I won't say everything is better, because it's not. Life is forever changed.
But I'm here. Time did pass. Things have changed. And that means something!
Moving forward, I'm hoping to start producing more. But then, that's always my goal! PAINT FASTER!!! And better. Always trying to improve my techniques! I need to switch back over into my oils, but I think I've been waiting on the warmer weather so I can have the windows open.
Oh, lastly, I turned 44 in February.
That's me, on my birthday, just like I do every year. Next year, if life is good to me and my family and they're healthy and I am too, I should be an "empty nester". It'll be an interesting phase in my life! Gotta get there first, though!
Off to paint! I think I'm in the mood for landscape experimentation at the moment!
The first painting I completed for 2019 is one that I had been dragging my heels on for a while. I have been wanting to close out Alice for a long time, but I had a special collector who wanted two last pieces done. The biggie is Queen Alice:
 |
| Queen Alice, 18x24, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold) |
 |
| Drink me/Eat me, 8x10, acrylic on stretched canvas |
My figures changed, my colors changed, etc. I didn't realize how MUCH until I was working on Queen Alice, and I just found it so hard to switch back. Still, I was happy to complete this series and leave Alice behind!
My next deadline was for a group show and the theme was "children's story reimagined". I chose the 12 Dancing Princesses. My take on it was that the princesses were often portrayed as unfeeling and awful creatures delighting in tricking everyone while they danced the night away. BUT... how happy and delighted would YOU be to be forced to dance every night, ALL night, until you had worn clean through your brand new dancing shoes?
People, there is no amount of coffee in the world that would help that situation. So, I painted five of them (because 12 in one painting looks more like a pile-up at a football game) quite exhausted, in the underground jeweled forest:
 |
| "After the Dance" 14x18, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold, prints available) |
I think it's clear that my Alice painting mind-set had a bit of influence over this piece. Somewhere in between my old style and my current one.
I then was free of obligations, having said no to commissions and such so I could clear the decks, my mind, whatever else, and just PAINT for a while. It was around Valentine's Day, so I painted some small chocolates:
 |
| "Chocolates and Strawberries" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available |
 |
| "Truffles" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available |
I knew from years past that I enjoy painting chocolate. It's so easy to make them look real (when they're square. The truffles were a nightmare.) However, I had such awful cravings! I ate boxes and boxes of strawberries after the top one. I also went out and bought a ton of clearance Valentine's Day chocolate to take my own reference photos (these were referenced from Pixabay.)
Do you know what multiple pounds of chocolate smells like under studio lights when you're snapping pictures? I think I gained five pounds just because of the aroma. Good grief!
Yeah, and then I ate them. *head*desk* Not helping me lose the 20lbs I have gained since I moved back to Vermont! Although, I feel like I could kinda get away with the strawberries. They're healthy! Oh sure, I know, I know... moderation is the key. *dramatic sigh*
I really liked painting the chocolates, and I have good reference photos, but I realized I'm kind of in the mood to do more still-lifes, so I bought some other produce and used some left over wine, and snapped a bunch of photos I plan on using soon as well. I've been thinking about that though.
While I am enjoying doing basic still-life paintings, I want to add a few elements that make them more *me*, and not just any old still-life. If you have any suggestions, let me know! At the moment, I'm contemplating small animals (Duckling? Bunny? I thought of a mouse, but people get freaked out by mice by food, so maybe not. Chipmunk, maybe?)
Lastly, this week I finished this piece:
 |
| "Tempus" 11x14, acrylic on gallery deep wooden panel |
But I'm here. Time did pass. Things have changed. And that means something!
Moving forward, I'm hoping to start producing more. But then, that's always my goal! PAINT FASTER!!! And better. Always trying to improve my techniques! I need to switch back over into my oils, but I think I've been waiting on the warmer weather so I can have the windows open.
Oh, lastly, I turned 44 in February.
That's me, on my birthday, just like I do every year. Next year, if life is good to me and my family and they're healthy and I am too, I should be an "empty nester". It'll be an interesting phase in my life! Gotta get there first, though!
Off to paint! I think I'm in the mood for landscape experimentation at the moment!
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
New Directions
It's Tuesday and my youngest (17 yrs) is off taking his first of two finals in high school, so by the end of Thursday I will have a high school senior on my hands (which I am extremely grateful for, because it's been a very difficult year)! One more year and then he'll hopefully be off to college (wants to be a programmer) and I'll be an Empty Nester!
An Empty Nester at 44 (I'm 43 now), and yet I saw on the news that more and more women are choosing to have babies in their 50's. I cannot even imagine doing that, I'm so exhausted now as it is. I remember existing in a fog in my 20's because of baby-duty, but at least I had the energy of being young. I didn't think I actually had energy at the time, but looking back now I can see that I did. Sort of like a zombie shuffling forward on autopilot. (I think if I had kids now, my autopilot would just give up.)
My eldest turned 20 years old this past weekend. She finished up her second year at university in May, and then decided that's enough for now and that her path lies in another direction. For me, this was a bit hard to wrap my brain around. Isn't it funny how you want to give your kids what you didn't have and if it turns out it's not for them it can really set you back several paces? But the truth that every parent has to grasp is that they are not you and they have their own path to follow... you just hope it doesn't end up with them living in your basement until they're 40 (because apparently that is a thing now, too!)
My own direction is shifting quickly. I still cannot share everything, but I'm hoping it'll be very positive for everyone - albeit stressful! My hope is that I can start to really do some productive things in my studio. I feel left behind because I have been meaning to get a Patreon going for over two years now, among other things, but life has gotten in the way.
However, there have been some positive signs - glimmers of hope - that lead me to believe I can start investing in myself again, and my work. That being said, I have two new series that I have started. One is going to be all larger paintings (16x20" and up... I have some really big canvases, so who knows where this will end up) and the other will be smaller paintings (8x10" and under.) They are unrelated series, but both make my soul sing just enough to know THIS is what I want to be doing right now and I want to be in my studio all the time again.
The big series is in planning stages still. I have the first painting planned out, but not sketched out. I'm excited to work on it, but I have other commissions, shows and various deadlines to meet before I can start in on it. I'm looking forward to sharing it, though!
The smaller painting series is much easier for me to dive into in between projects, and here is the first:
The series is "My Favorite Things", and each painting will be 8x10 and smaller, with a subject posing with its most favorite thing! I painted this Great Grey Owl, and my son informed me that this one's favorite thing was most definitely a pocket watch! Once he said it, I knew my son was absolutely spot-on! I've called this painting "The Time Keeper", and he's in a special section of my shop just for this series.
I thought about holding the paintings back and doing a show, but there are reasons why I can't do that right now... that I'll share later. But perhaps the larger series will be one I can do a full physical show with!
My goal is going to be to hopefully paint one of these Favorite Things pieces a week, whenever possible. I'm not sure how many paintings my series will encompass, but I think I'll know when I'm done. As I am just starting, I believe I have a long way in front of me! If you have any particular animal you'd like to see, let me know! I love getting ideas, but I have no idea what their favorite thing will be until I've painted them in... they're all so individual! For example, I've painted multiple raccoons (and I will do at least one for this series) and I have to say I don't think a single one of them would have the same favorite thing.
It's so nice to find the joy in my studio again!
...Off to paint!
An Empty Nester at 44 (I'm 43 now), and yet I saw on the news that more and more women are choosing to have babies in their 50's. I cannot even imagine doing that, I'm so exhausted now as it is. I remember existing in a fog in my 20's because of baby-duty, but at least I had the energy of being young. I didn't think I actually had energy at the time, but looking back now I can see that I did. Sort of like a zombie shuffling forward on autopilot. (I think if I had kids now, my autopilot would just give up.)
My eldest turned 20 years old this past weekend. She finished up her second year at university in May, and then decided that's enough for now and that her path lies in another direction. For me, this was a bit hard to wrap my brain around. Isn't it funny how you want to give your kids what you didn't have and if it turns out it's not for them it can really set you back several paces? But the truth that every parent has to grasp is that they are not you and they have their own path to follow... you just hope it doesn't end up with them living in your basement until they're 40 (because apparently that is a thing now, too!)
My own direction is shifting quickly. I still cannot share everything, but I'm hoping it'll be very positive for everyone - albeit stressful! My hope is that I can start to really do some productive things in my studio. I feel left behind because I have been meaning to get a Patreon going for over two years now, among other things, but life has gotten in the way.
However, there have been some positive signs - glimmers of hope - that lead me to believe I can start investing in myself again, and my work. That being said, I have two new series that I have started. One is going to be all larger paintings (16x20" and up... I have some really big canvases, so who knows where this will end up) and the other will be smaller paintings (8x10" and under.) They are unrelated series, but both make my soul sing just enough to know THIS is what I want to be doing right now and I want to be in my studio all the time again.
The big series is in planning stages still. I have the first painting planned out, but not sketched out. I'm excited to work on it, but I have other commissions, shows and various deadlines to meet before I can start in on it. I'm looking forward to sharing it, though!
The smaller painting series is much easier for me to dive into in between projects, and here is the first:
 |
| "The Time Keeper" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available. |
The series is "My Favorite Things", and each painting will be 8x10 and smaller, with a subject posing with its most favorite thing! I painted this Great Grey Owl, and my son informed me that this one's favorite thing was most definitely a pocket watch! Once he said it, I knew my son was absolutely spot-on! I've called this painting "The Time Keeper", and he's in a special section of my shop just for this series.
I thought about holding the paintings back and doing a show, but there are reasons why I can't do that right now... that I'll share later. But perhaps the larger series will be one I can do a full physical show with!
My goal is going to be to hopefully paint one of these Favorite Things pieces a week, whenever possible. I'm not sure how many paintings my series will encompass, but I think I'll know when I'm done. As I am just starting, I believe I have a long way in front of me! If you have any particular animal you'd like to see, let me know! I love getting ideas, but I have no idea what their favorite thing will be until I've painted them in... they're all so individual! For example, I've painted multiple raccoons (and I will do at least one for this series) and I have to say I don't think a single one of them would have the same favorite thing.
It's so nice to find the joy in my studio again!
...Off to paint!
Saturday, May 26, 2018
In The Quiet
It's the end of May, and I fear I have little to show for 2018 in my studio thus far, but I have recently begun painting again and have a few pieces to show. The one I like the best, I just finished last week and it's off to La Bodega gallery in CA for a "Spirit Animal" show in early June:
It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!
What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.
It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)
I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)
Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):
Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.
I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.
And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."
So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.
A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.
My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)
I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!
So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!
 |
| "Rae" 8x10, Acrylic on Canvas Panel |
It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!
What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.
It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)
I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)
Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):
 |
| Parrot study, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel Available |
 |
| Raccoon, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (sold) |
 |
| "Party Crashers" 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, framed, available (on show currently at Thumbprint Gallery, CA) |
Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.
I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.
And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."
So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.
A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.
My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)
I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!
So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Awww, Come ON!
I have a cold.
Actually, to be more precise, I have my husband's cold. I had it settling in yesterday morning, and it was coming on strong last night. I didn't sleep well, because I had horrible nightmares, like my in-laws suddenly moved in with us and the only thing coming out the taps was mud, that I somehow caused by using those toilet-drop-in tablets. (Yeah, I dunno what's wrong with me either.)
The one upside to nightmares is that you are so relieved that it wasn't real, you can pretty much face anything else that's coming that day! And what was coming was... *gasp* a mammogram.
OK, I just cannot get over that word. I feel like it should be a ripped guy in very little clothing, cowboy hat, with balloons, showing up to sing something. They need a new word, because in my head it always looks like "Ma'am *wink* o-gram" and then I start giggling like a 12-year-old. Because I'm mature like that.
Speaking of maturity, I think they should have wine at mammogram places. It would really liven things up! I walked in to the windowless waiting room of gonna-get-squished doom, and they basically had an assembly line going of women who were all miserable to be there, and avoiding eye contact. That's no fun at all. I mean, we already know what's coming and there's no way to make that part fun, so why not liven up the waiting room?
Anyway, I survived. I feel like I chest-planted into cinder blocks, but I survived. WHILE I have a cold, mind you.
I bring this up, because my husband came down with this cold on Sunday and proceeded to basically... well, act like he's dying. He got the dreaded MAN-cold. I think I read somewhere that the man-cold is a real phenomenon and that they get sicker or feel worse than women do. I dunno. I kinda want to dispute that, but ok. Whatever.
The real kicker isn't that anyway, it's that apparently with this cold comes a whole bunch of water weight. It BETTER be water weight. Unless I'm sleep-donut-eating, it can't be real (and we don't have any donuts anyway... wait, maybe that's WHY we don't have any?!) But it's demoralizing just the same. Stupid scale. Stupid cold.
Ok, there's a slight chance I'm a wee bit grumpy. A small possibility.
On to brighter news! Yesterday, I didn't feel up to my daily painting, but I did do this one today:
I also managed to finish this little 5x7:
That one had been kicking around for a while, so it was good to get it done. I also finally photographed these three ultra-mini paintings:
It's kind of nice to get a few done, and then processed (have to take pictures, post them for sale in my shop, etc. It's more work than you would think!) Now I have deadlines to focus on, and stop procrastinating by doing other work... is it procrastinating if you're still working? Seems like a gray area to me. Just sayin'.
*sneeze*
Actually, to be more precise, I have my husband's cold. I had it settling in yesterday morning, and it was coming on strong last night. I didn't sleep well, because I had horrible nightmares, like my in-laws suddenly moved in with us and the only thing coming out the taps was mud, that I somehow caused by using those toilet-drop-in tablets. (Yeah, I dunno what's wrong with me either.)
The one upside to nightmares is that you are so relieved that it wasn't real, you can pretty much face anything else that's coming that day! And what was coming was... *gasp* a mammogram.
OK, I just cannot get over that word. I feel like it should be a ripped guy in very little clothing, cowboy hat, with balloons, showing up to sing something. They need a new word, because in my head it always looks like "Ma'am *wink* o-gram" and then I start giggling like a 12-year-old. Because I'm mature like that.
Speaking of maturity, I think they should have wine at mammogram places. It would really liven things up! I walked in to the windowless waiting room of gonna-get-squished doom, and they basically had an assembly line going of women who were all miserable to be there, and avoiding eye contact. That's no fun at all. I mean, we already know what's coming and there's no way to make that part fun, so why not liven up the waiting room?
Anyway, I survived. I feel like I chest-planted into cinder blocks, but I survived. WHILE I have a cold, mind you.
I bring this up, because my husband came down with this cold on Sunday and proceeded to basically... well, act like he's dying. He got the dreaded MAN-cold. I think I read somewhere that the man-cold is a real phenomenon and that they get sicker or feel worse than women do. I dunno. I kinda want to dispute that, but ok. Whatever.
The real kicker isn't that anyway, it's that apparently with this cold comes a whole bunch of water weight. It BETTER be water weight. Unless I'm sleep-donut-eating, it can't be real (and we don't have any donuts anyway... wait, maybe that's WHY we don't have any?!) But it's demoralizing just the same. Stupid scale. Stupid cold.
Ok, there's a slight chance I'm a wee bit grumpy. A small possibility.
On to brighter news! Yesterday, I didn't feel up to my daily painting, but I did do this one today:
 |
| 4x6 oil on loose canvas. I decided to focus more on his face, so there was a focal point. I really think it makes a big difference in the painting. |
 |
| 5x7 inches, oil on cradled wood panel. |
 |
| 2x2 inch, oil on stretched canvas |
 |
| 2x2 inch, oil on stretched canvas |
 |
| 2x4 inch, oil on stretched canvas |
*sneeze*
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Progress
Well, it's February. It's going to be about 75 degrees today, and I plan on opening the windows. Were this the weather in April, this would be excellent. But it's February. I want snow! On Friday it's supposed to be in the 40's. I'm going to shut all the blinds, pretend it's snowing outside, and bake cookies.
Speaking of cookies, or not eating them, I'm down 10 lbs since January 1st. Granted, some of that is water weight, but a chunk of that *IS* real weight loss! So, yay!
With that loss, I'm about 18 lbs from not being overweight by the BMI charts for my height, and another 10lbs beyond that from my final goal weight. Well, final as long as I get there and feel decent. But I'll decide once I am there. When I was younger and at that weight, I felt good and people actually called me thin. But your body changes when you're older so... we will see. I will say the bonus to being tall is gaining 10 lbs and there being very little difference in appearance or the way your clothes fit. The downside to being tall is that you work hard to lose 10 lbs and there's NO freaking difference!!! Good for holidays, bad for the ego I guess. *pout*
Anyway, my goal is to lose 6 lbs a month, and by summer I'll be at goal. I may not quite be able to pull that off for February given my stupidity with the super bowl party we had, and my birthday at the end of the month, but we shall see what I can pull off! I really want this weight off.
In other progress news, I have started daily exercise paintings for days I am in my studio (preferably five times a week.) I get roughly 20 minutes for the painting, and then I need to walk away. It's all about laying down values, and seeing what it is you're painting. I've been allowing myself some leeway, up to 30 minutes, because sometimes it just isn't even close to ok. I think it's working though. It's teaching me to lay down basic values without obsessing over details, and learning how to walk away.
The walking away part is what kills me. It's not right! I must fix it! GAH! But I'm doing it. What's more is that I'm listing the paintings for cheap ($20) and most of them are being snapped up right away. It pays for my practice session supplies, the canvas and the paint, so I literally have nothing to lose. No excuse not to get busy and start working.
So, I started with landscapes last year with this exercise, and then dropped it. Now that I have picked it up, I'm doing beta fish this week. I'm getting a little bored of them, but it's only one week. All paintings are 4x6 inches on loose canvas, and so far all oil. Here's how it's gone so far this week (I started a day early):
I can't figure out how to post the video here, so I'll link directly to it on my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQOM3aEgb7j/?taken-by=kyraart You will be able to see it whether you have an account or not, and it's only about 30 seconds long.
I have figured out I am in love with black gesso. I think it's just more me. I like working from a darker ground. Although, I have some other things I'm going to be practicing with (not for these, more involved) and they have various toned grounds. Maybe I'll fall in love with another color too. I just feel like white doesn't work as well for me anymore.
Anyway, these practice paintings do loosen me up and get me ready to face more in the studio. I'm hoping it'll yield other results as I carry on with it. I'm thinking about doing desserts next week (hey, they're calorie-free when they're just paintings!)
I have finished a few small paintings too, but I'll post those next time!
Speaking of cookies, or not eating them, I'm down 10 lbs since January 1st. Granted, some of that is water weight, but a chunk of that *IS* real weight loss! So, yay!
With that loss, I'm about 18 lbs from not being overweight by the BMI charts for my height, and another 10lbs beyond that from my final goal weight. Well, final as long as I get there and feel decent. But I'll decide once I am there. When I was younger and at that weight, I felt good and people actually called me thin. But your body changes when you're older so... we will see. I will say the bonus to being tall is gaining 10 lbs and there being very little difference in appearance or the way your clothes fit. The downside to being tall is that you work hard to lose 10 lbs and there's NO freaking difference!!! Good for holidays, bad for the ego I guess. *pout*
Anyway, my goal is to lose 6 lbs a month, and by summer I'll be at goal. I may not quite be able to pull that off for February given my stupidity with the super bowl party we had, and my birthday at the end of the month, but we shall see what I can pull off! I really want this weight off.
In other progress news, I have started daily exercise paintings for days I am in my studio (preferably five times a week.) I get roughly 20 minutes for the painting, and then I need to walk away. It's all about laying down values, and seeing what it is you're painting. I've been allowing myself some leeway, up to 30 minutes, because sometimes it just isn't even close to ok. I think it's working though. It's teaching me to lay down basic values without obsessing over details, and learning how to walk away.
The walking away part is what kills me. It's not right! I must fix it! GAH! But I'm doing it. What's more is that I'm listing the paintings for cheap ($20) and most of them are being snapped up right away. It pays for my practice session supplies, the canvas and the paint, so I literally have nothing to lose. No excuse not to get busy and start working.
So, I started with landscapes last year with this exercise, and then dropped it. Now that I have picked it up, I'm doing beta fish this week. I'm getting a little bored of them, but it's only one week. All paintings are 4x6 inches on loose canvas, and so far all oil. Here's how it's gone so far this week (I started a day early):
 |
| Beta Fish #1, I like his face the best |
 |
| Beta Fish #2, Whites were hard on this one. I feel like I learned a bit, but struggled far too much. A big part of this is because the canvases on this and the last started as white. |
 |
| Beta Fish #3. Now, this time I got smarter and gessoed the canvas black FIRST. SOOOOO much better, and I almost hit the time for 20 minutes, until I realized I hadn't painted in the black and that looked odd to me. I actually made a time lapse video, so you can see where I changed my mind. |
I have figured out I am in love with black gesso. I think it's just more me. I like working from a darker ground. Although, I have some other things I'm going to be practicing with (not for these, more involved) and they have various toned grounds. Maybe I'll fall in love with another color too. I just feel like white doesn't work as well for me anymore.
Anyway, these practice paintings do loosen me up and get me ready to face more in the studio. I'm hoping it'll yield other results as I carry on with it. I'm thinking about doing desserts next week (hey, they're calorie-free when they're just paintings!)
I have finished a few small paintings too, but I'll post those next time!
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Blurry Vision
You wouldn't think that art and eating would be connected, unless you're a chef, but for someone who uses food the wrong way it's absolutely linked. I found myself struggling with food today. Which is stupid, because today is the first day I got to be on a sorta-normal schedule.
I woke up at 5:45AM (just typing that makes me want to throw something) and made sure the dogs were taken care of, that my teenage son was up (this is like a game show, wondering each time if I've won or caught myself a whammy) and then managed to run a two mile HIIT before I saw out my son stumbling to the door moaning about the unfairness of it all as he headed off to school. By 7:15AM I was showered and dressed and making an on-plan breakfast. All was right with the world.
Well, maybe not all. The morning news is enough to send anyone to the doctor to beg for an antidepressant (or a sedative. I joke, but every time I turn on the TV the world outside my door seems to be getting worse and worse. I really honestly do struggle with being informed and being sucked down into a black hole of oblivion and wanting to crawl back into bed because of it.) Still, I pushed forward and eventually made it to my studio. I even had a healthy snack (as I was supposed to) before digging in.
Where I then accomplished next to nothing. I feel like I'm forcing it, but I managed to finish the underpainting on a polar bear (that I decided to paint because I'm not interested in any of the actual projects I am supposed to be working on.) It'll look better when I switch over to color and add depth and... well, color.
And then. Then I had lunch and ate leftovers I shouldn't have, totally bypassing my plans. It kinda went downhill from there, and I honestly just didn't understand WHY.
My daughter still hasn't gone back to college yet, so my routine is not totally normal. But... while I have mixed emotions about that, I realize that's not it. The house isn't clean, the laundry isn't done, the weather is warm and all the snow is gone (and that's depressing to me - I'll even have the windows open tomorrow because it's going to be 70.) Those aren't the reason, either. I'm not thrilled about the world, or certain aspects of my life... everything feels wrong, just slightly off of right, and that's infuriating. But, still NOT it.
Plus, I was on plan until I went into my studio. Heck, I did an ab workout yesterday with my lower body weights that has left my stomach aching like it hasn't in a very long time. I have BEEN ON PLAN even feeling like things aren't right. So what happened?
My studio. I know my art career is bugging me. I know I have ideas of what might make me feel better. But, I realize now that I lack vision. I feel like I want someone to hand me a project, a big all-consuming project that will focus me entirely on it for the whole year. As a self-employed business owner, the only person who can do that is, well, me. And as a responsible employer, I have to say that the employee in question just isn't ready for a big project like that. I don't think she could pull it off right now, she simply isn't there with her skill level.
Just look at this:
These are in-progress paintings that absolutely need to be finished. I have learned that as artists, we sometimes start paintings that will never be finished and they need to be thrown out or reused. These are the survivors of that process that need to be finished, rather than tossed. And I just keep adding to the damn pile!
Some are old. The planets? Yep, that sucker is from way back in Vermont, a few years I think, but I know exactly how it's going to be finished (and I haven't done a thing about it yet.) There is a big commission piece in the center. There are other pieces I dearly want to finish and just haven't. And the polar bears are NEW additions that I have added to the pile.
I lack vision. I'm creating and starting work, but not actually finishing anything because I lack vision. No amount of cleaning my house, or organizing my studio, or stuffing my face will change that. (Although, to be fair, I didn't try cleaning. Because, cleaning.)
So, I ate today. Did I go crazy and knock back a take-out pizza? No (also, calling a stranger and having them show up with food kind of freaks me out.) I did hit the left over Christmas candy, but probably not to the tune of major damage. Just enough damage. Damage to cause a halt in progress, maybe a backslide ever so slightly. And that doesn't feel good either. Not irreparable, but hurtful to me.
I realize that I ate because I am uncomfortable feeling lost. Like a hiker in the wilderness with her trusty backpack packed with a compass, flashlight, food, water, tent and more - I have all the tools. I just didn't bring the magic wand. I have to work this problem myself, put the tools to work, suck it up and figure it out on my own.
I ate because I am uncomfortable with me. My art is me, and I'm lost and have been for a very long while now. My original plan was to just paint. That's it. Just paint new things, try new things, and voila! New me!
As much as structure makes me itch... oh for the love of sugared squirrels, I NEED structure. Dagnabbit. Worse, I have to give it to myself!
So, I'm taking myself on as a client/artist to mentor. I have mentored several artists over the years, and now I need that myself... even if it's just from me to me. I'm putting together a plan with a schedule, and working out the details. I need to be working toward a goal, and while I don't have a specific goal yet, I can at least put the starting pieces into place.
My hope is that with more clarity and focus (and STRUCTURE) on this aspect of my life, I'll stop trying to eat my way through my kitchen like an 1980's escaped pac-man.
I can do this. I can make things better for myself.
I can do this.
I woke up at 5:45AM (just typing that makes me want to throw something) and made sure the dogs were taken care of, that my teenage son was up (this is like a game show, wondering each time if I've won or caught myself a whammy) and then managed to run a two mile HIIT before I saw out my son stumbling to the door moaning about the unfairness of it all as he headed off to school. By 7:15AM I was showered and dressed and making an on-plan breakfast. All was right with the world.
Well, maybe not all. The morning news is enough to send anyone to the doctor to beg for an antidepressant (or a sedative. I joke, but every time I turn on the TV the world outside my door seems to be getting worse and worse. I really honestly do struggle with being informed and being sucked down into a black hole of oblivion and wanting to crawl back into bed because of it.) Still, I pushed forward and eventually made it to my studio. I even had a healthy snack (as I was supposed to) before digging in.
Where I then accomplished next to nothing. I feel like I'm forcing it, but I managed to finish the underpainting on a polar bear (that I decided to paint because I'm not interested in any of the actual projects I am supposed to be working on.) It'll look better when I switch over to color and add depth and... well, color.
 |
| 8x10, underpainting in acrylic, switching to oils for the good stuff! |
And then. Then I had lunch and ate leftovers I shouldn't have, totally bypassing my plans. It kinda went downhill from there, and I honestly just didn't understand WHY.
My daughter still hasn't gone back to college yet, so my routine is not totally normal. But... while I have mixed emotions about that, I realize that's not it. The house isn't clean, the laundry isn't done, the weather is warm and all the snow is gone (and that's depressing to me - I'll even have the windows open tomorrow because it's going to be 70.) Those aren't the reason, either. I'm not thrilled about the world, or certain aspects of my life... everything feels wrong, just slightly off of right, and that's infuriating. But, still NOT it.
Plus, I was on plan until I went into my studio. Heck, I did an ab workout yesterday with my lower body weights that has left my stomach aching like it hasn't in a very long time. I have BEEN ON PLAN even feeling like things aren't right. So what happened?
My studio. I know my art career is bugging me. I know I have ideas of what might make me feel better. But, I realize now that I lack vision. I feel like I want someone to hand me a project, a big all-consuming project that will focus me entirely on it for the whole year. As a self-employed business owner, the only person who can do that is, well, me. And as a responsible employer, I have to say that the employee in question just isn't ready for a big project like that. I don't think she could pull it off right now, she simply isn't there with her skill level.
Just look at this:
These are in-progress paintings that absolutely need to be finished. I have learned that as artists, we sometimes start paintings that will never be finished and they need to be thrown out or reused. These are the survivors of that process that need to be finished, rather than tossed. And I just keep adding to the damn pile!
Some are old. The planets? Yep, that sucker is from way back in Vermont, a few years I think, but I know exactly how it's going to be finished (and I haven't done a thing about it yet.) There is a big commission piece in the center. There are other pieces I dearly want to finish and just haven't. And the polar bears are NEW additions that I have added to the pile.
I lack vision. I'm creating and starting work, but not actually finishing anything because I lack vision. No amount of cleaning my house, or organizing my studio, or stuffing my face will change that. (Although, to be fair, I didn't try cleaning. Because, cleaning.)
So, I ate today. Did I go crazy and knock back a take-out pizza? No (also, calling a stranger and having them show up with food kind of freaks me out.) I did hit the left over Christmas candy, but probably not to the tune of major damage. Just enough damage. Damage to cause a halt in progress, maybe a backslide ever so slightly. And that doesn't feel good either. Not irreparable, but hurtful to me.
I realize that I ate because I am uncomfortable feeling lost. Like a hiker in the wilderness with her trusty backpack packed with a compass, flashlight, food, water, tent and more - I have all the tools. I just didn't bring the magic wand. I have to work this problem myself, put the tools to work, suck it up and figure it out on my own.
I ate because I am uncomfortable with me. My art is me, and I'm lost and have been for a very long while now. My original plan was to just paint. That's it. Just paint new things, try new things, and voila! New me!
As much as structure makes me itch... oh for the love of sugared squirrels, I NEED structure. Dagnabbit. Worse, I have to give it to myself!
So, I'm taking myself on as a client/artist to mentor. I have mentored several artists over the years, and now I need that myself... even if it's just from me to me. I'm putting together a plan with a schedule, and working out the details. I need to be working toward a goal, and while I don't have a specific goal yet, I can at least put the starting pieces into place.
My hope is that with more clarity and focus (and STRUCTURE) on this aspect of my life, I'll stop trying to eat my way through my kitchen like an 1980's escaped pac-man.
I can do this. I can make things better for myself.
I can do this.
Monday, January 9, 2017
They're Heeeeeeereeeee!
It's Monday... and they're here. ALL of them. ALL. Of. Them. It snowed a little bit in North Carolina on Saturday (stopped snowing by noon), and the whole state lost its mind. They have called off school for Monday and Tuesday, and the roads are a disaster because no one seems to know how to deal with it. Coming from Vermont, this is kind of shocking, but I suppose if you only get snow once a year, maybe it makes sense. I miss snow. Anyway, the family is here and no one is getting out.
I love my family. Adore them. Yet, for some reason when they are here and I decide to go work in my studio, I feel as though I am being selfish or letting someone down.
I know this feeling is irrational, and maybe it's just a mom-thing. (Do guys have this problem? They don't seem like they do.) I remember having trouble even taking a moment for myself when my children were really young. In those days, even a closed bathroom door seemed to cause upset if you didn't sneak off successfully beforehand.
I remember one day clearly where my husband said "Go take a bath! Enjoy yourself!" So, I did! My husband was going to watch the kids and I was going to sit in a tub of hot water with a book and enjoy just sitting there. It was going to be awesome! Me. A Bath. A book! Maybe I'd even light a candle! JUST ME! I was going to make sure I pruned up before I even considered getting out.
Not five minutes later, while the water was running, the door started rattling. One of the kids had figured out where I had gone off to. Then the meowing started, because the cat figured it out too. Had camera phones existed back then, I would have taken a picture or a video. Instead, all I can do is say that I distinctly remember looking at the door and watching little fingers and paws come under the door and swipe at the air on my side, while my daughter loudly cooed "mooooooooooom?" under the door, and my toddler son slapped his hand on it and called out "MOM!" repeatedly.
I resisted for a few minutes, but finally I grabbed my towel and opened the door. Both kids, the cat, and the dog were all at the door waiting for me (and my husband was nowhere to be seen.) When I went downstairs, like a parade with everyone following me, I found my husband watching soccer in the family room. He looked up and said "Did you have a nice bath?"
You know those moments that leave you speechless, and yet you have so much to say at the same time? This was one of those. It was probably good that I momentarily lost my capability to speak, because most of what I would have said would have been... less than appropriate.
I did get my bath, eventually, but I realized that in order to get any "me" time, I was going to have to fight for it and guard it. As the children got older, things like privacy became something I didn't have to fight for because it became more natural and they needed me less. But when I started painting again... well, that was different.
My painting started back up, not as a business, but something I had always done. A hobby, maybe, except it never felt like a hobby to me. If you aren't connected on a visceral level to something, I don't know if I can explain it. I have hobbies, but it's the difference between having something to do, and doing something because you HAVE to and it's just who you are (and without it, you're a half-self, never really all the way "here"). Unfortunately, painting was always the very last thing I could do in a day. Everything else had to be done first, and it was the lowest priority to everyone else.
I realize, looking back, that I allowed my art to come last. I could have fought harder. I also realize that when you have young children, there are only so many minutes of the day and so many battles you can fight. I brought the art more and more into my life as I could, and I went professional with it when my son (youngest) was two years old. I would say it was part-time professional though, because raising children is a full time job and there were always so many things to do just being mom. Never mind when I went back to school and got my business degree, or went to work full time.
Fast forward to now, and I still feel like I'm not allowed to "go work" when the rest of the family is here, especially during the day. I feel like I am disappointing them. (It doesn't mean I don't work, necessarily, but I feel bad when I do.) One of my daughter's first posts on Facebook was that she felt like I was always painting when she had a question. That makes me both feel awful, like I have let her down somehow, and also good because she sees me working and she should see me working. She did get to ask her question though. I wonder what she thought I should have been doing instead when she wanted to ask a question? I may ask her that...
I want both my kids to see that a strong work ethic and that being true to yourself is important. But it still makes me feel bad to not achieve the super-mom status they way you want to when you have to choose and sometimes choose yourself instead.
Anyway, what this all means is that when the family is home, I feel like I can't work. Or, shouldn't work. I feel like now that they're all older, that if they're all home with nothing to really do (a rarity, usually), it means that I'm being selfish if I run off to my studio to work as I had planned. Because they all have their own lives now and I'm at the tail-end of our family being just us, I feel the need to grab these moments like the last fragments of the family I used to have before they glitter and dim into nothingness.
That's not exactly true, though, is it? Yes, this time is fleeting. But it all has been, since they were so little they couldn't exist without me, to now when I just want a moment of their time to tell them I'll always love them, even though they're practically adults. My painting time is fleeting too, though. My time to create something is dwindling every day, too. It matters, too. I matter too, and I shouldn't be the one doing all the accommodation.
Ahh, balance. Still searching for you, aren't I?
Well, on the positive, I compromised and did tax stuff for my business today. So, it was a necessary evil, I felt like I was being punished while accomplishing something (because, taxes), and I could pause what I was doing to accommodate my family as needed.
If I did taxes, is that a win? I think it's a win. Maybe. Stupid business taxes... but I'll take it as a win anyway!
They'll still be here tomorrow, but my plans are to accomplish more in the studio than I did today. I have polar bears that I need to paint! I hope to do that while I still see snow outside!
I love my family. Adore them. Yet, for some reason when they are here and I decide to go work in my studio, I feel as though I am being selfish or letting someone down.
I know this feeling is irrational, and maybe it's just a mom-thing. (Do guys have this problem? They don't seem like they do.) I remember having trouble even taking a moment for myself when my children were really young. In those days, even a closed bathroom door seemed to cause upset if you didn't sneak off successfully beforehand.
I remember one day clearly where my husband said "Go take a bath! Enjoy yourself!" So, I did! My husband was going to watch the kids and I was going to sit in a tub of hot water with a book and enjoy just sitting there. It was going to be awesome! Me. A Bath. A book! Maybe I'd even light a candle! JUST ME! I was going to make sure I pruned up before I even considered getting out.
Not five minutes later, while the water was running, the door started rattling. One of the kids had figured out where I had gone off to. Then the meowing started, because the cat figured it out too. Had camera phones existed back then, I would have taken a picture or a video. Instead, all I can do is say that I distinctly remember looking at the door and watching little fingers and paws come under the door and swipe at the air on my side, while my daughter loudly cooed "mooooooooooom?" under the door, and my toddler son slapped his hand on it and called out "MOM!" repeatedly.
I resisted for a few minutes, but finally I grabbed my towel and opened the door. Both kids, the cat, and the dog were all at the door waiting for me (and my husband was nowhere to be seen.) When I went downstairs, like a parade with everyone following me, I found my husband watching soccer in the family room. He looked up and said "Did you have a nice bath?"
You know those moments that leave you speechless, and yet you have so much to say at the same time? This was one of those. It was probably good that I momentarily lost my capability to speak, because most of what I would have said would have been... less than appropriate.
I did get my bath, eventually, but I realized that in order to get any "me" time, I was going to have to fight for it and guard it. As the children got older, things like privacy became something I didn't have to fight for because it became more natural and they needed me less. But when I started painting again... well, that was different.
My painting started back up, not as a business, but something I had always done. A hobby, maybe, except it never felt like a hobby to me. If you aren't connected on a visceral level to something, I don't know if I can explain it. I have hobbies, but it's the difference between having something to do, and doing something because you HAVE to and it's just who you are (and without it, you're a half-self, never really all the way "here"). Unfortunately, painting was always the very last thing I could do in a day. Everything else had to be done first, and it was the lowest priority to everyone else.
I realize, looking back, that I allowed my art to come last. I could have fought harder. I also realize that when you have young children, there are only so many minutes of the day and so many battles you can fight. I brought the art more and more into my life as I could, and I went professional with it when my son (youngest) was two years old. I would say it was part-time professional though, because raising children is a full time job and there were always so many things to do just being mom. Never mind when I went back to school and got my business degree, or went to work full time.
Fast forward to now, and I still feel like I'm not allowed to "go work" when the rest of the family is here, especially during the day. I feel like I am disappointing them. (It doesn't mean I don't work, necessarily, but I feel bad when I do.) One of my daughter's first posts on Facebook was that she felt like I was always painting when she had a question. That makes me both feel awful, like I have let her down somehow, and also good because she sees me working and she should see me working. She did get to ask her question though. I wonder what she thought I should have been doing instead when she wanted to ask a question? I may ask her that...
I want both my kids to see that a strong work ethic and that being true to yourself is important. But it still makes me feel bad to not achieve the super-mom status they way you want to when you have to choose and sometimes choose yourself instead.
Anyway, what this all means is that when the family is home, I feel like I can't work. Or, shouldn't work. I feel like now that they're all older, that if they're all home with nothing to really do (a rarity, usually), it means that I'm being selfish if I run off to my studio to work as I had planned. Because they all have their own lives now and I'm at the tail-end of our family being just us, I feel the need to grab these moments like the last fragments of the family I used to have before they glitter and dim into nothingness.
That's not exactly true, though, is it? Yes, this time is fleeting. But it all has been, since they were so little they couldn't exist without me, to now when I just want a moment of their time to tell them I'll always love them, even though they're practically adults. My painting time is fleeting too, though. My time to create something is dwindling every day, too. It matters, too. I matter too, and I shouldn't be the one doing all the accommodation.
Ahh, balance. Still searching for you, aren't I?
Well, on the positive, I compromised and did tax stuff for my business today. So, it was a necessary evil, I felt like I was being punished while accomplishing something (because, taxes), and I could pause what I was doing to accommodate my family as needed.
If I did taxes, is that a win? I think it's a win. Maybe. Stupid business taxes... but I'll take it as a win anyway!
They'll still be here tomorrow, but my plans are to accomplish more in the studio than I did today. I have polar bears that I need to paint! I hope to do that while I still see snow outside!
Monday, December 5, 2016
Back to the Art-side
A long absence has certainly given me a lot to share, both personally and art-wise! I'm going to go a bit lighter today.
This is one of the paintings that has got me thinking about my studio and "voice" which I'll touch on in another post. Until then, here is more art from this year that I haven't shared:
I have been playing with abstracts again:
As it's December, I thought I would share my official 2016 Holiday painting (this is a different painting that I create each year with the intent to release as a holiday card for myself and others to order, etc.) I got my neighbor's daughter to be my model, and I actually think it turned out rather well:
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| "Sequor" (original is sold, prints and LE canvas prints available) 11x14 Oil on Canvas Panel |
I was happy I completed this painting this year, as I sort of failed that goal last year what with only moving into the house in October and not being settled at all. This year, my studio is set-up very nicely. In fact, I recently was able to attend Art of the Carolinas for the first time ever! I didn't participate in any workshops, but the art supply trade show is a DREAM.
I was able to get my hands on all sorts of things at a huge discount. One of the people there told me that many artists save up all year and then do all their buying at the show. I can see why, and I'll likely start doing that myself.
I was able to purchase HUGE canvas panels for the first time ever. I always had to order stuff in Vermont and the shipping was often the same or more than the panel, and the panel was pricey too so I never went for a big one! At the show I was able to get canvases over 60 inches for less than $60. If you know your canvas, you know that's a big savings! I was giddy at the trade show! I even got a new easel. It's an art supply wonderland for me!
My poor husband endured it pretty well. I figure it's payback for all that time spent in fishing stores, or in the home improvement stores when he's "just browsing" and I get to the point where I'm eyeing the stacks of plywood and thinking "I could nap on that, right? No one would notice..."
I was also able to paw through wood panels. I have started painting on these now and again. I'm kind of on the fence with them. The ones I had were plate-smooth and this actually made it hard to paint on. I felt like the paint was slipping off, and this surprised me because I often feel like I'm fighting the tooth of normal canvases. Still, I got this one to turn out when others had failed me (or I failed them):
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| "Sunset" 5x7x1" oil on cradled wooden panel, available |
I found some gessoed panels at the show that actually had some texture to them, and I'm going to try them and see how they work. I like the idea of painting on wood, but I have a lot of canvas to use up if that's the way I go. I also, a few months ago, found gesso (Prima) that reduces the tooth without sanding and this was a huge find for me.
Let's see. More art that has happened, and has started me really thinking about my studio and my direction:
I painted "Dawn" on a black ground, and this was a new experience for me. One that I really liked, and intend to explore more. It took me longer than necessary because I was new to it, but here is a time-lapse I shot on my phone of the painting:
This is one of the paintings that has got me thinking about my studio and "voice" which I'll touch on in another post. Until then, here is more art from this year that I haven't shared:
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| I just finished "Ringmaster" on 12/1. I had to turn him around in about 24 hours. I'm pleased with how he turned out! He's another little one: 5x7" oil on canvas panel. |
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| Envy, oil on 6x6 canvas panel (available) |
I have been playing with abstracts again:
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| "Stardust" is a large piece at 24x36x1.5, acrylic/silver leafing/gems on stretched canvas (available) |
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| "Lark" is 9x12, acrylic/gold leafing on stretched canvas (framed, 14x17, available) |
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| Didn't name this one, but same dimensions and info except I used silver leafing (sold) |
I've completed other paintings, but that's probably enough for now. And honestly, I haven't been creating a lot this year. I know I originally had this huge plan, but I will say that I failed that. I've been thinking a lot about why, but that is for yet another day!
Friday, January 29, 2016
Buy-Bye January!
It's almost February. I cannot believe that 2016 is already flying by at light speed (although, when trying to lose weight, the time seems much slower. It's only everything else that seems to be whipping by!)
My goal was five paintings for the month of January. Unfortunately, January nailed me with another nasty cold and a lot of time off for the teens from school, which just fed into my frustration in the studio. I only managed 3 paintings for this month. I'm really going to need to pull out all the stops and catch up if I'm going to be back on schedule!
I finished this Rocking Horse Fly:
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| 6x6 inches, acrylic on stretched canvas, sold |
This oil painting:
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| "Love is Blind" 9x12 oil on stretched canvas, Sold |
...and this small oil painting also:
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| "Love Child" 6x8, oil on canvas panel, available |
The rocking horse fly is a part of my Alice in Wonderland series, and part of a line of commissions I'm working my way through. I'm actually sketching out the largest of them (18x24), Queen Alice, right now:
She (Queen Alice) was supposed to have been completed on January 23rd according to my schedule. *sigh* I'm so far behind. If I can just get in a groove though, I might just be able to catch up.
However, you see that blindfolded girl painting? Well, I was doing some research on the rococo technique, and that was my first experiment. I can't say it's a successful one, because I had to give up on the technique and just rush to finish it because I ran out of time for my deadline. Still, even so, the result is fairly pleasing. I'm a bit unsure about how "warm" it is, but at the same time it has that old-timey feel to it, and I think I want to use that in my Fairy Tale series that I ALSO didn't get started this month but was supposed to have finished one 9x12 of. (*head*desk*head*desk*)
The rococo technique is fairly involved, though. Lots of layers (i.e. drying time) and such. That's made me think about my schedule of about 60 paintings and whether I'm biting off more than I can chew. I'm going to try to move forward and see what I think, but I feel like I can't make a real decision about it until I get the Alice in Wonderland series closed out completely. It's a different medium (Alice is all acrylic) than I want to go forward in right now, and it's also a different style. I feel that I'm evolving, and I'm actually having to almost physically hold myself back in order to finish these paintings properly.
With that in mind, Alice has become my #1 priority so I can finally move forward and not mess her up as I do. I worry about jumping between my old style and new, and I don't want it to mess things up on either end.
We did get some snow down here in NC. I felt a bit conflicted, as it finally looked like winter but it had ice which made playing in it rather pointless. Still, it was white for a little while (and now we're headed back to the 60's for temperatures which feels very wrong.) The schools and everyone shut down in a panic for several days longer than I would have expected.
So, here is my "first storm expected in NC" report: people really are nuts when it comes to winter weather. (You should know it was 43 degrees and sunny out when I took these pictures below the day before the storm.)
I went to the grocery store the day before because I needed a few things. There weren't too many people in the store, but this is what was left at 3:20pm. I checked out easily, but getting OUT of the doors of the store was hard because people were just streaming into the store. Some people had parked in the fire lane to run in and ask a manager standing in front if they had milk. I heard the "no" and the woman I was eavesdropping on as I was trying to leave turned on her heel and bolted out the door to her waiting car and said to her companion "no, they don't have any either!"
The lady at the checkout said she had people buying 5 gallons at a go. She said "you know, if you have kids, maybe it makes sense... But a lot of these people don't. I asked."
I did bake cookies though. Bad for my weight loss efforts, good for my peace of mind. Kinda. (Double chocolate-chocolate-chip.)
Anyway, I'm speeding ahead and trying to catch up as we head into February! I hope you have all had a good January!
Friday, August 28, 2015
Art in Transit
My original intention while moving was to just take a break from my business. I had been painting flat out for a very long time, lots of assignments and projects galore!
My thought was that we were supposed to be in our new house by the end of August, and that I could simply wait until I had my full studio with me! Of course, I have all my paints with me because the movers weren't allowed to touch them (something about hazardous materials. One guy who came out to estimate moving needs beforehand actually suggested that I just toss out all my art supplies and buy new stuff in NC. Obviously that guy had no idea how much art supplies cost! I set him straight on that one very quickly. Good grief!) But my canvases are all stored away with other studio equipment. If it isn't flammable or likely to explode, it's in storage.
And then we were informed that our house MIGHT be ready by mid-October (instead of August 21st.) Oh, and hey, the temporary apartment lease is up before the end of September, so we have no idea where we're going to be staying. And hey, the house still hasn't sold in Vermont. And hey, all sorts of scary things are starting to swirl... and hey I'm SO BORED, and we can't even go anywhere (although, I'm currently contemplating a trip to the Raleigh museum of natural history sometime here. Everything has to be short trips because of the dogs in the apartment.)
I need to paint.
Not want.
NEED.
NEED.
Even though my "studio" is a corner in the apartment that looks like this:
I have projects that are due anyway by the end of September, so I don't have the luxury of putting off working any longer. Plus, I'm going a bit batty. I tried painting at one point, but the painting ended up trashed. I don't know why, it just went sideways. I tried two more, again, sideways. I put away the paints at that point, but now I need to push through.
SO! I ordered canvas, since I can't access it in storage. Actually, first I went in person to the Jerry's Artarama in Raleigh, and when I asked about portrait fine (or super fine weave) canvas, the clerk said "I have been working here for years and I have never even heard of such a thing. No, we don't carry it."
OK, that's just weird. Maybe out here everyone doing fine work has switched to boards? I almost grabbed those instead, but I have several and some other samples that I have yet to play with in storage, so I don't know what my preference is and the marked up prices in the store was no time to experiment. So, I went home, logged onto Jerry's online and ordered what I needed there.
When the box showed up, I was actually super excited! YAY! ART STUFF!
I had a couple quick sketches I needed to do for Thrice Fiction Magazine's upcoming issue, and I figured that was a good ice breaker. Only one of the sketches am I really in love with. It might not make sense without the written piece I was assigned for it, but here is a beagle puppy with a banana peel on his head:
I actually really like him. Have you ever taken time off from something and then worried maybe you lost your touch? It was nice to see not everything had rusted up on me. Artist insecurity, I suppose.
After I finished what needed to be sent into the magazine, I started on some of the other work I needed to do. However, one of the things I forgot to share was a painting I started in Vermont, depicting our move to NC. I just started painting in the piece when we packed up and moved and here is where it sits today:
I'm the elephant, and I asked the family what they saw themselves as. My husband is the falcon, my son a polar bear cub, and my daughter is a tiger. The pets are represented by the turtle and three birds. Vermont is behind us with the mountains and hot air balloons, and... well we're just going forward. I still don't know how to represent North Carolina, so I'm just leaving it as the unknown.
I tied my house to my foot because it was giving me anxiety, but I'm contemplating removing it entirely. Yes, the house was weighing us down, but you know... we'll figure this out somehow. Heck, part of me doesn't want to let it go. I know we have to, but I just yearn for that view and the sweet air and open spaces. I miss it. I feel less dragged down by the house and more wistful now.
Plus it might make a nicer picture without it. So, there's that!
That is a personal painting, but here is the first of my many to come projects. This is for the upcoming auction La Luna in the Rabbit Hole Artist Collective:
I know, I have an elephant theme going on, but I have always loved them.
I'm really excited about this painting, because it's one I would have painted without the prompt (and maybe that's why the connection to the moon is so light.) I had been doing a lot of thinking about my art recently, which I think the break contributed to. You see, our time here in finite. I'm lucky enough to be doing something I love. But if I am doing something I love but not what I had in mind to leave behind me as what I want out there in the world (i.e. always painting what someone else commissions when it's not my vision, or painting "for the market because it's what sells") I am wasting my precious time on this earth.
If you only got to paint one painting, sing one song, write one book, etc... what would it be? What would it look, sound, read like? THAT is what I need to get back to doing. More, when I do it, it still sells. My heart is in it, and the circle feels complete. I get off track because I get distracted, I just need to work harder to keep my eye on the ball.
So, I'm on the ball now. I have my little star-girl elephant painting on my easel. I have my moving painting on the side. I have a monster painting (just wait!) coming up, and more! And best of all, I'm going to love all of it.
My thought was that we were supposed to be in our new house by the end of August, and that I could simply wait until I had my full studio with me! Of course, I have all my paints with me because the movers weren't allowed to touch them (something about hazardous materials. One guy who came out to estimate moving needs beforehand actually suggested that I just toss out all my art supplies and buy new stuff in NC. Obviously that guy had no idea how much art supplies cost! I set him straight on that one very quickly. Good grief!) But my canvases are all stored away with other studio equipment. If it isn't flammable or likely to explode, it's in storage.
And then we were informed that our house MIGHT be ready by mid-October (instead of August 21st.) Oh, and hey, the temporary apartment lease is up before the end of September, so we have no idea where we're going to be staying. And hey, the house still hasn't sold in Vermont. And hey, all sorts of scary things are starting to swirl... and hey I'm SO BORED, and we can't even go anywhere (although, I'm currently contemplating a trip to the Raleigh museum of natural history sometime here. Everything has to be short trips because of the dogs in the apartment.)
I need to paint.
Not want.
NEED.
NEED.
Even though my "studio" is a corner in the apartment that looks like this:
I have projects that are due anyway by the end of September, so I don't have the luxury of putting off working any longer. Plus, I'm going a bit batty. I tried painting at one point, but the painting ended up trashed. I don't know why, it just went sideways. I tried two more, again, sideways. I put away the paints at that point, but now I need to push through.
SO! I ordered canvas, since I can't access it in storage. Actually, first I went in person to the Jerry's Artarama in Raleigh, and when I asked about portrait fine (or super fine weave) canvas, the clerk said "I have been working here for years and I have never even heard of such a thing. No, we don't carry it."
OK, that's just weird. Maybe out here everyone doing fine work has switched to boards? I almost grabbed those instead, but I have several and some other samples that I have yet to play with in storage, so I don't know what my preference is and the marked up prices in the store was no time to experiment. So, I went home, logged onto Jerry's online and ordered what I needed there.
When the box showed up, I was actually super excited! YAY! ART STUFF!
I had a couple quick sketches I needed to do for Thrice Fiction Magazine's upcoming issue, and I figured that was a good ice breaker. Only one of the sketches am I really in love with. It might not make sense without the written piece I was assigned for it, but here is a beagle puppy with a banana peel on his head:
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| About 2 1/2 inches high to the top of the banana, so he's a little guy, pencil on sketch paper |
I actually really like him. Have you ever taken time off from something and then worried maybe you lost your touch? It was nice to see not everything had rusted up on me. Artist insecurity, I suppose.
After I finished what needed to be sent into the magazine, I started on some of the other work I needed to do. However, one of the things I forgot to share was a painting I started in Vermont, depicting our move to NC. I just started painting in the piece when we packed up and moved and here is where it sits today:
 |
| 16x20 |
I'm the elephant, and I asked the family what they saw themselves as. My husband is the falcon, my son a polar bear cub, and my daughter is a tiger. The pets are represented by the turtle and three birds. Vermont is behind us with the mountains and hot air balloons, and... well we're just going forward. I still don't know how to represent North Carolina, so I'm just leaving it as the unknown.
I tied my house to my foot because it was giving me anxiety, but I'm contemplating removing it entirely. Yes, the house was weighing us down, but you know... we'll figure this out somehow. Heck, part of me doesn't want to let it go. I know we have to, but I just yearn for that view and the sweet air and open spaces. I miss it. I feel less dragged down by the house and more wistful now.
Plus it might make a nicer picture without it. So, there's that!
That is a personal painting, but here is the first of my many to come projects. This is for the upcoming auction La Luna in the Rabbit Hole Artist Collective:
 |
| 16x20 |
I'm really excited about this painting, because it's one I would have painted without the prompt (and maybe that's why the connection to the moon is so light.) I had been doing a lot of thinking about my art recently, which I think the break contributed to. You see, our time here in finite. I'm lucky enough to be doing something I love. But if I am doing something I love but not what I had in mind to leave behind me as what I want out there in the world (i.e. always painting what someone else commissions when it's not my vision, or painting "for the market because it's what sells") I am wasting my precious time on this earth.
If you only got to paint one painting, sing one song, write one book, etc... what would it be? What would it look, sound, read like? THAT is what I need to get back to doing. More, when I do it, it still sells. My heart is in it, and the circle feels complete. I get off track because I get distracted, I just need to work harder to keep my eye on the ball.
So, I'm on the ball now. I have my little star-girl elephant painting on my easel. I have my moving painting on the side. I have a monster painting (just wait!) coming up, and more! And best of all, I'm going to love all of it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Thawing Out
My goodness, I certainly slacked off on my blog! I didn't realize that the last time I had posted was New Year's. Today, I spent time getting my website back together, because I was told I needed to get my "public face back in place." I had been avoiding my website for quite some time, as it never seemed like the right time to work on it. I could always find something I'd rather do... like advance mathematics or scrubbing the bathroom.
Still, my site, www.KWilsonStudio.com, is finally done!
Life, well, life is about the same as it was around New Year's. We are still waiting on an offer for our house. While we didn't get slammed with snow like the folks in Boston did, we got plenty along with just awful temperatures. There were mornings it was -33F with -60F windchill. One such morning, I had to go out and use the snowblower on the driveway at 4AM. Within minutes, even through thick gloves, my fingers started burning and aching! That kind of cold is a whole other kettle of fish when it comes to winter. So, with the weather being so hostile, it's not really a shock that people haven't been looking at houses for sale. No one was. Heck, going to the grocery store was tough!
We finally had a showing last weekend, but they wanted a one-level house. *sigh* Oh well, Spring is around the corner and people WILL be out and about again! We've also signed a contract to build a house, which means I know where I'll be living in August! Yay! (plus it didn't require that we sell this one yet, so we have time.)
My husband had been gone since New Year's also, but he flew back to surprise me for my 40th birthday at the end of February. I took this picture on my birthday, because I took one last year too:
But you know, while I like the picture... I'm a lot goofier (and more wrinkled) in person. I think these "selfies" really don't represent how we really are (translation: I can be kind of pretty if I'm not breathing and the camera is juuuuust right - but that's not real life.) My daughter takes pictures of herself all the time, and I just don't get it (but she's goofier in real life too, so that makes me feel a little better!)
Well, at least I've been getting some work done in the studio.
Still, my site, www.KWilsonStudio.com, is finally done!
Life, well, life is about the same as it was around New Year's. We are still waiting on an offer for our house. While we didn't get slammed with snow like the folks in Boston did, we got plenty along with just awful temperatures. There were mornings it was -33F with -60F windchill. One such morning, I had to go out and use the snowblower on the driveway at 4AM. Within minutes, even through thick gloves, my fingers started burning and aching! That kind of cold is a whole other kettle of fish when it comes to winter. So, with the weather being so hostile, it's not really a shock that people haven't been looking at houses for sale. No one was. Heck, going to the grocery store was tough!
We finally had a showing last weekend, but they wanted a one-level house. *sigh* Oh well, Spring is around the corner and people WILL be out and about again! We've also signed a contract to build a house, which means I know where I'll be living in August! Yay! (plus it didn't require that we sell this one yet, so we have time.)
My husband had been gone since New Year's also, but he flew back to surprise me for my 40th birthday at the end of February. I took this picture on my birthday, because I took one last year too:
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| me, 40! |
But you know, while I like the picture... I'm a lot goofier (and more wrinkled) in person. I think these "selfies" really don't represent how we really are (translation: I can be kind of pretty if I'm not breathing and the camera is juuuuust right - but that's not real life.) My daughter takes pictures of herself all the time, and I just don't get it (but she's goofier in real life too, so that makes me feel a little better!)
Well, at least I've been getting some work done in the studio.
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| "Barry" 3x3 inches |
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| I gave this one to my son. |
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| "Hush" based off the Grimm tale, the Six Swans (12x18 inches) |
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| My valentine's day, digital painting |
I'm also working on the White Queen from Through the Looking Glass, a commission piece for a client. I admit, I've been struggling with a touch of avoidance here too, but it's finally going.
All sketched out (16x20):
Where I was at as of last night:
I'm really looking forward to my new studio in our next house, rather than working wherever I can here because my studio is filled to the brim with supplies and NO room for me. I think it'll help my productivity to have it all sorted like that, rather than my easel next to my bed, or a painting on the kitchen table and always in the way. Life gets in the way, true, but the way things are now I seem to be getting in Life's way as well!
I hope everyone is well!
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