Life Got Busy

I feel like I am in the final stretch of... something. I haven't done much in my studio but these:

"Twinkle" 8x10, acrylic, Available

"Sky 1", 6x6 acrylic, Available 

"Halo" 6x6, acrylic, SOLD

I find that I am disappointed in myself for not having accomplished more. I have started a few pieces, but in truth I've just been completely buried in my life. We have been remodeling, and it's getting to a desperate point since we have my parents and my son's girlfriend coming out for his high school graduation shortly (to see some remodeling pictures and such, you can pop over to my other more life oriented blog here) I've been painting walls instead of canvas!

My son is graduating high school in two weeks, company is coming (so we have to finish our master bedroom at the very least, so the guest room is open for guests again), my daughter is turning 21 and also moving back to North Carolina... AND we adopted my daughter's roommate's kitten that the roommate wasn't taking care of. Meet Cleopatra (Cleo for short, because it's super embarrassing to say that in person at the veterinarian - even though after meeting her the doctor agreed the name totally fits her!)

I just couldn't let her go to a shelter (even though they're all no-kill here in Vermont.) She's the sweetest, cutest, tiny little thing with six toes on each paw so she's a polydactyl, and suspected Maine Coon, but we shall see. My old boy, Socrates (also a Maine Coon, and about 16 years old) is a little huffy about having THREE extra cats after being the only one for so long. However, he's a gentle giant and just moping rather than acting out. I'm trying to snuggle him when I can. He's still my boy (even though Cleo sleeps every night curled into my neck or on my chest at the moment. Cuteness overload, people!)

But I miss my studio. I miss feeling like I have done something with my time that was for ME but also productive in a way that I have something to show for myself. I want to become someone who is producing something almost every day (or at least making great headway!) I have found my self-worth is tied heavily to my art, and I feel a bit of pain not having anything to show for months having passed. Maybe that's silly, given so much is going on, but it's my truth. I NEED to paint.

We all have things that are tied to our self-worth, what are yours?

Life will be crazy for the month of June, which also includes actual contractors showing up and ripping out our kitchen (the only project that's just too much for us to do it ourselves) in addition to company, graduation, birthday parties, and my daughter moving away. I'm hoping that July brings an opening into my being able to work again. If my son successfully attends college in September, and the remodeling is done by then as well, and nothing else bad happens (as has been for the past couple of years) I will finally have the house and my LIFE back to myself for the first time in over two decades. I'm really looking forward to what that will bring, and hoping to take advantage of it!

A New Blog

I used to blog a lot. I had two other popular blogs back in the day and I eventually shut them down. Thinking it over, I think it really did have a lot to do with Facebook. When I finally did join, 10 years ago, I felt like I was crossing a line I had been fighting for a long time... but everyone was vanishing!

It's hard to remember, but Facebook used to be about people. Actual people posted about their days and what was going on, and it was interesting to check in with folks and say "Hi! Me too!" or whatnot. Then Facebook lost it's ever-loving marbles and turned into an advertising machine. More, memes and political posts became how people chose to check in with one another.

People stopped talking to each other, or about themselves.

Facebook became funny cats and anti-whatevers jammed in between ads all over the place. I don't know how you all feel, but when I go on Facebook now I feel like I'm walking down the Vegas Strip. Everyone is selling something, stuff is flashing in your face, you can't hear the person you're with because everyone is talking - not even caring if anyone else is listening. Ugh.

I miss the days of blogging.

I went out there and looked around in the blogosphere and it is pretty quiet. The majority of blogs out there are about business and marketing, or trying to become mini-Buzzfeeds. The people are missing. *sigh* Remember people? Even the art bloggers have slowly drifted off.

I drifted for a bit too.

Well, it turns out I wasn't the only one feeling this way. A resurgence has started to trickle in with people starting back up blogs (or starting new ones.) I decided to join in, and while I will still have this as my primary art blog, for more general content about life and other things I will be here: http://lifeartchocolate.com (it redirects to https://lifechocolate.art.blog/ if that one doesn't work. Still working out the kinks with this.) I'll touch briefly on art there, but mostly it'll be about my life and thoughts. NO business, selling, opinions masquerading as a news story, etc.

Just me.

So if you're interested, I'm over there now too with the intention to post at least once a week.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled programming! I sat with a blank canvas a couple days ago, wanting to just play. I didn't know how it would go - maybe abstract? But I ended up with this:

"Winter Still", 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

It's interesting that no direction led me back to something that is far closer to my old style. Hmm. Still, it was nice to finish another piece!

Hope everyone else is up to all sorts of creative things!

In The Quiet

It's the end of May, and I fear I have little to show for 2018 in my studio thus far, but I have recently begun painting again and have a few pieces to show. The one I like the best, I just finished last week and it's off to La Bodega gallery in CA for a "Spirit Animal" show in early June:

"Rae" 8x10, Acrylic on Canvas Panel

It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!

What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.

It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)

I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)

Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):

Parrot study, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel Available

Raccoon, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (sold)

"Party Crashers" 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, framed, available (on show currently at Thumbprint Gallery, CA)

Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.

I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.

And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."

So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.

A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.

My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)

I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!

So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!

Hello?

Every time I see "Hello" I hear Adele's song. Does anyone else have that problem? I blame my daughter for that, playing it incessantly this year while she was here and every time she visits.

I have to say, I don't know why photos from earlier posts are vanishing? I'm not going to go back and re-add them, it's just too much work. Maybe they'll show up again eventually?

You may have noticed that I disappeared for a while. I even deleted my blog there for a bit. Fortunately, blogger hangs onto it for a period of time so you can change your mind. I did, but then I still didn't post.

So much has been going on, and so little at the same time. I'm not sure if I did any clearing of my blog before I deleted it or not, so I'm not sure if I posted about life changes. As I have a draft in my folder, but it doesn't look like it was posted, I'll just assume I never said anything at all from May onward. 

I have a lot to say (and art to share), so this is going to take a few posts over the next week or two. Some might not seem art-related, but my life affects my art, so it really is!

There were big changes in my world, because my daughter graduated from High School and went off to college:

My daughter, on Graduation Day from High School

My daughter, in a painting I did of her this year. 9x12 inches, oil on stretched canvas.
(This one, I didn't sell. I have it on my wall.)

I now have an 18-year-old daughter, in college. An adult. This is a very strange marker to cross. I'm having a lot of thoughts, still, along the lines of "How did I get here?!" 

My youngest just turned 16 about a week ago. I have so little time left with "kids", and an unknown stretch in front of me with "adult children".  Also, my daughter felt it was a good time to mention that I could be a grandma in a few years. So, SO not helpful. I mean, I'll be a good grandma I think, but in my head I'm somewhere between 16-22 years old. I know I'm 41 logically... but I'm not on the inside. 

Facing this family phase of my life being over is proving unbelievably difficult for me. I suddenly understand why some people start over with more kids. Technically, I started my family at 23, so it wasn't that early. Yet, my peers/friends, people my age are actually just starting their families NOW. 

I know of very few friends who are in my position, and I know of so many who had a baby this year or a year or two past. Their houses are filled with that young laughter and energy. Mine has become remarkably changed. I noticed it when we had a neighborhood gathering here and I realized my house isn't kid-safe and it's boring for children. No more toys in any rooms or on floors (upside; no Lego's to step on at 2AM and almost die, so silver lining! Wait, is that why they call it a "silver" lining?)

I have a grown-up house now. Yikes!

We moved from Vermont to this house in North Carolina (over that long and horrible process) and we've only been here just over a year. When we moved, we purged a lot of old things. Old furniture (that it was safe to spill stuff on because after 14 years we weren't even sure WHAT color the couches were anymore), scratched and broken tables, toys that hadn't been played with in years, and so on. We got to buy new furniture here and we picked out stuff that went with the new house and our lives now. But it's grown-up stuff, most especially because the interior of the house is different... colder. It's not that we don't like it, but it's just, well, very adult-like instead of family-kids-like.

Having a child become an adult and seeing this phase of my life coming to a close is a difficult thing to face. Life really IS short. It seems so long when you're young, but it's not. 

Oh, and we're definitely not starting over with more kids. I can barely handle my husband's snoring ruining my sleep, I cannot even fathom getting up with a baby! Not NOW! I don't know how my peers are doing it. *yawn* My husband and I are both firm on that point, but I'm so sad about this part being over too. It's good my kids are successfully flying the nest, but it's heartbreaking too. 

I'm wondering what this means for me going forward. Finding my new normal. I'm not sure what that is, exactly. This is especially true when it comes to my studio and art. But, more on that later...

Welcome Autumn!

It's the first day of Autumn here, and I have to tell you it's just perfect outside! I typed that sentence, then ran outside to snap a picture from the back deck:

Now, it's harder to see in the photo, but trees are just starting to turn. Some orange and red ones are scattered about! I'm told that's one thing I won't lose in North Carolina, the brilliant autumns! That's good, because it really is my favorite time of the year. The air turns crisp and the world lights up with color! It's something I never experienced in Colorado. We drove up into the mountains to see the aspens change sometimes (all yellow), but in general autumn in Colorado was all about trees starting to change, a sudden major snowstorm, and then all the leaves were gone. This subtle meandering through color and raining leaves, it's something I've grown to adore! I don't think I'd do well living without it.

I am a bit nervous to be living without snow, however. We'll see how I handle that transition.

Speaking of, we finally got our house on the market. There has been some interest from a couple different parties, but it's one of those things that simply may not work out (I'm an optimistic pessimist; I don't think things are going to go well but I really, really hope they will!) We hope it does, but I am also preparing myself for being here until next summer when the real estate season comes back around (it's very seasonal here with most people buying in the Spring and Summer.) We could sell our house for far less than it is worth and leave now, of course, but that would hurt my family financially and there is no bonus for doing that on any level. So, perhaps I won't miss out on snow this year. Maybe I'll get one more season in my pretty house in the Vermont mountains after all? 

It actually doesn't bother me all that much, if we sell fast or not. I see positives in going now if we can, but also for staying. I suppose that's a good place to be in! The panic has faded, the urgency. The only fly in my wine (wine sounds better than ointment, really) is keeping the house clean for showings! Seriously, people who live in spotless houses naturally, how does that even work?

In other news, I FINALLY got back to painting. Really painting. I missed two auction deadlines for the Rabbit Hole Artist Collective. *head*desk*

BUT! This month's prompt is The Lovely Bones. Now, I don't know if the group meant the prompt to be from the book or movie, but I remember it clearly (a girl who was murdered, watching over the people in her life.) It was hard, and sad, and... well, anyway. Many of the collective went a very different way with the prompt, and I decided to fall somewhere halfway between the two.

I decided on an 8x10 fine tooth canvas panel:

All sketched out

Adding in the background...

Night sky and moon in, body in, working on dress

Now, her dress morphs into a bone-boat. I debated the color of the dress being red, because it creates a blood and bone image that might be too much. Yet, I don't think it could have been any other color. Not only would another color blend too much, but frankly? The blood and bone boat makes a significant metaphorical point if you know the story. This is about journey, personal sorrow, and transition.

I'm already in love with this painting. I've been meaning to paint a series where the hair or dress of my figure is causing a shift (from day to night, spring to fall, etc) for about two years now. This prompt and where I went with it gave me my excuse. 

This is definitely more surreal than fairytale, so this is coming from my Abstract and Surreal art page, rather than my Fairy Tale one. I have a yearning to paint more and more of these as I've been working on them in my mind for a very long time, but I also have a strong desire (and a client) to finish off my Queen of Hearts and her companion piece (the white queen) along with the secondary characters I had meant to paint as well (i.e. humpty dumpty, etc.) And then there is the urge to get on the holiday stuff too! I never finished my kittens with the stockings last year either!

Basically, while I didn't intend to take this long off from painting (it's been months now if I add up my parents living here and getting the house ready until now), but I'm charged up to make things happen! PAINT! PAINT! PAINT!

I expect this current painting to be finished today, and up for auction this week at the collective, so pop by if you are interested! I also expect I'll have a lot more painting progress to share next week!

Tightening Up

The business of art is a tricky proposition. Art is seriously undervalued in our society, and as an artist we not only have to work very hard at creating, we also have to market and sell and ship and manage all on our own. Are we chasing our dreams or working for our clientele? Isn't there some middle ground?

What's become more and more evident as I work my way through things, is that the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" has become a very real thing. I can do a lot. A LOT. I work in watercolor, acrylic, oil. I can use pastels, sculpt, and throw on a wheel. I'm good at all of those things, I've sold from all of those mediums. Then you have genres further widening what you can do (abstract, portrait, fantasy, fairy tale, still life, realistic, etc) and suddenly you realize you could completely populate a gallery with every medium and style all on your own. Which is really cool, except... Except it simply doesn't work as a business model.

I've had to come to grips with the reality that it doesn't matter that I can paint in the abstract and throw a set of dishes and sculpt a dancing lady for the front lawn while painting a dragon. It might matter to me, but when it comes to business... well, business is business. In business, your clientele NEEDS to know what you offer. They need you to be a master at what you do and know exactly what they're getting when they come to look at your work. They need some idea of expectations.

More, when you are branching out with all those other mediums and styles, you can find that you have stopped growing. Sure, you may get better at one aspect or another, but "good at" is not "mastering" anything. I have come to realize and accept that as a business I need to focus on a few mediums that all have something in common with one another (and this is easy for me: oil, acrylic and watercolor is my answer), and one style with a focused subject.

I thought that doing my Fairy Tale art would allow for me to just throw a random dragon or fairy down (aren't they all part of the fantasy realm after all?), but that turns out to not be the case. It's too broad a category. I realize that now, and I'm accepting it. I realize that my art business needs to be tightened up. I need to be the master in it, and you cannot be a master in anything if you keep moving on to new things.

This all sounds depressing, but I'm actually very excited! I realize that I derive a deep satisfaction from certain paintings, and next to nothing from others. I realize that when I work on my actual Fairy Tale paintings, I feel fulfilled. 

This painting took me months, but I'm beyond proud of it!

When I do a random dragon or Christmas tree or mouse, I realize... I'm playing. That's not business, but it's nice to understand that I AM still able to play. It's something I thought I had forgotten how to do, and now realize that I was actually doing too much of it. Yes, I've been selling my playful results, but I realize that may actually be a mistake business-wise. 

I did this painting for a special friend, but it only took one afternoon. I like it, but it's not something I'm going to look back on in 30 years and feel like my life's work was well spent. This, I realize, is me playing. Play is important, but it's not work.

I had a dream the other night, and in it I saw my business as it needed to be set up. I woke up feeling like "I've got it. I've really got it now. I understand!" I saw my art booth set up exactly as I plan to do it. I realized that my major originals (like the White Rabbit) are undervalued, and under and misrepresented in my offerings. But I know how to fix it. I've finally GOT IT.

So, my new focus is similar to what I've been saying, but... it isn't. My love is of Fairy Tales. I will continue to paint my Fairy Tales, but all my professional work will be directly related to that topic, with a deeper meaning and more going on within the paintings. My paintings need to be a story. The ones that have a story, a deeper process, those are the ones that make me feel like I am doing what I am here for. Maybe painting fairy tales isn't curing cancer, but it makes me feel like I have a place in this world, as silly as that may sound.

Part of this is also accepting that I am not a fast painter. The reason my bigger fairy tale paintings take longer is because I spend a lot of time thinking them through.

This video is of Tea Time, but it took me months and months to paint it. The physical act? Probably 120 hours, maybe more... but the thinking through it? More. Even though it was all mapped out, it took more. Plus, I was also doing what I have been doing - extra little side art that doesn't mean as much to me, but I thought was all a part of my larger business. 

I feel good. My business has a focus. More, I know that if I want to play, I need to NOT do it during business hours. Those hours need to be focused on my bigger paintings, and I feel that with that focus will actually come more productivity even though my process is a slow one. I still plan on writing my own fairy tale and painting a series to go with it, because that's all still part of the correct path.

The little art, the playing, the "daily art" will stop and find it's correct place - my play time. I'll still sell it, but it won't be the backbone of my business anymore and it won't be the bulk of my offerings. I had inadvertently set the balance there, and I'm realizing my mistake and fixing it. 

So, I'm excited. A bit frustrated that it took this long for me to get what I pretty much already knew, but excited nonetheless.

My Queen of Hearts is on my easel, and I'm working my way through her. I don't know if I'll be done with Alice after her, or start working on a new Fairy Tale. I haven't decided yet, but I think I want to move on to something new. I can always come back and add to the series if something gets stuck in my head that simply must be painted!

Working out the garden area, inching closer to the rabbit behind her.

And a tree with wisteria! I love purple! I hope we move somewhere that I can grow these in my yard in reality!

So that's where I am at. Tightening up my focus and buckling down. It actually feels really good to not be casting about and wondering what to do! 

Distracted

I have been very distracted lately. Children have been ill, my mother has moved in for a couple weeks... I've been slacking and I really have no excuse... *ahem*

I'm slowly working on my queen. You can see that I have blocked in a few areas:

In progress!

I have blocked in certain color combinations (like her dress) just to see what I think of it (I'm going with it, a red/black/white and gold.) Her hair was going to be black, but painting black hair is a bit tricky with a warmer skin tone, so I'm switching to a deep brunette with copper highlights. I got frustrated with it the other day and had to walk away before I ruined something. 

Oh, and the canvas has loosened. Now, I don't know if everyone knows this trick, but if that happens, spray some clean water on the back and blow it dry with a blow dryer on warm. Not too hot, and if there is paint on the other side, be VERY careful (if it's all painted, I don't do that anymore.) Tightens that canvas right back up like a drum!

I also finally,  finally took updated head shots for my business photos. I've been putting it off for years.  I'm just not a fan of being in front of a camera. But, for some reason I decided to do it. I hadn't planned on it, I had actually planned on making a little video showing how to tighten up the canvas instead, but I realized all my photo lights were set up, and so I went that way instead. I figure I won't have to take pictures for another five years, right?

The static in the air was a bit high today... but I figured now or never!

This is the one I went with for my business shot. I don't know WHY I have a perpetual smirk when I half-smile like that. No wonder I got grounded so much!

I think I prefer the black and white on this one.

Actually, I just love black and white better in almost every portrait I've ever taken (of myself or others when I had a photography business.)

Well, now that I got that done, I hope I'll actually get some real painting in!