Life Got Busy

I feel like I am in the final stretch of... something. I haven't done much in my studio but these:

"Twinkle" 8x10, acrylic, Available

"Sky 1", 6x6 acrylic, Available 

"Halo" 6x6, acrylic, SOLD

I find that I am disappointed in myself for not having accomplished more. I have started a few pieces, but in truth I've just been completely buried in my life. We have been remodeling, and it's getting to a desperate point since we have my parents and my son's girlfriend coming out for his high school graduation shortly (to see some remodeling pictures and such, you can pop over to my other more life oriented blog here) I've been painting walls instead of canvas!

My son is graduating high school in two weeks, company is coming (so we have to finish our master bedroom at the very least, so the guest room is open for guests again), my daughter is turning 21 and also moving back to North Carolina... AND we adopted my daughter's roommate's kitten that the roommate wasn't taking care of. Meet Cleopatra (Cleo for short, because it's super embarrassing to say that in person at the veterinarian - even though after meeting her the doctor agreed the name totally fits her!)

I just couldn't let her go to a shelter (even though they're all no-kill here in Vermont.) She's the sweetest, cutest, tiny little thing with six toes on each paw so she's a polydactyl, and suspected Maine Coon, but we shall see. My old boy, Socrates (also a Maine Coon, and about 16 years old) is a little huffy about having THREE extra cats after being the only one for so long. However, he's a gentle giant and just moping rather than acting out. I'm trying to snuggle him when I can. He's still my boy (even though Cleo sleeps every night curled into my neck or on my chest at the moment. Cuteness overload, people!)

But I miss my studio. I miss feeling like I have done something with my time that was for ME but also productive in a way that I have something to show for myself. I want to become someone who is producing something almost every day (or at least making great headway!) I have found my self-worth is tied heavily to my art, and I feel a bit of pain not having anything to show for months having passed. Maybe that's silly, given so much is going on, but it's my truth. I NEED to paint.

We all have things that are tied to our self-worth, what are yours?

Life will be crazy for the month of June, which also includes actual contractors showing up and ripping out our kitchen (the only project that's just too much for us to do it ourselves) in addition to company, graduation, birthday parties, and my daughter moving away. I'm hoping that July brings an opening into my being able to work again. If my son successfully attends college in September, and the remodeling is done by then as well, and nothing else bad happens (as has been for the past couple of years) I will finally have the house and my LIFE back to myself for the first time in over two decades. I'm really looking forward to what that will bring, and hoping to take advantage of it!

A New Blog

I used to blog a lot. I had two other popular blogs back in the day and I eventually shut them down. Thinking it over, I think it really did have a lot to do with Facebook. When I finally did join, 10 years ago, I felt like I was crossing a line I had been fighting for a long time... but everyone was vanishing!

It's hard to remember, but Facebook used to be about people. Actual people posted about their days and what was going on, and it was interesting to check in with folks and say "Hi! Me too!" or whatnot. Then Facebook lost it's ever-loving marbles and turned into an advertising machine. More, memes and political posts became how people chose to check in with one another.

People stopped talking to each other, or about themselves.

Facebook became funny cats and anti-whatevers jammed in between ads all over the place. I don't know how you all feel, but when I go on Facebook now I feel like I'm walking down the Vegas Strip. Everyone is selling something, stuff is flashing in your face, you can't hear the person you're with because everyone is talking - not even caring if anyone else is listening. Ugh.

I miss the days of blogging.

I went out there and looked around in the blogosphere and it is pretty quiet. The majority of blogs out there are about business and marketing, or trying to become mini-Buzzfeeds. The people are missing. *sigh* Remember people? Even the art bloggers have slowly drifted off.

I drifted for a bit too.

Well, it turns out I wasn't the only one feeling this way. A resurgence has started to trickle in with people starting back up blogs (or starting new ones.) I decided to join in, and while I will still have this as my primary art blog, for more general content about life and other things I will be here: http://lifeartchocolate.com (it redirects to https://lifechocolate.art.blog/ if that one doesn't work. Still working out the kinks with this.) I'll touch briefly on art there, but mostly it'll be about my life and thoughts. NO business, selling, opinions masquerading as a news story, etc.

Just me.

So if you're interested, I'm over there now too with the intention to post at least once a week.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled programming! I sat with a blank canvas a couple days ago, wanting to just play. I didn't know how it would go - maybe abstract? But I ended up with this:

"Winter Still", 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

It's interesting that no direction led me back to something that is far closer to my old style. Hmm. Still, it was nice to finish another piece!

Hope everyone else is up to all sorts of creative things!

Chocolate and Wonderland and On!

I had to go and check my blog to see what I had and hadn't posted, and found that I just hadn't posted. UGH! Well, I have actually gotten some art done, so let me hit that right now!

The first painting I completed for 2019 is one that I had been dragging my heels on for a while. I have been wanting to close out Alice for a long time, but I had a special collector who wanted two last pieces done. The biggie is Queen Alice:

Queen Alice, 18x24, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold)

 And then a small little piece for her collection of the drink and cakes from Wonderland. Forgive the photo, I only snapped this one with my phone - I don't know why I didn't get a proper scan - but perhaps it was because I knew I wasn't going to offer prints of it or anything, and it was just quickly on its way to its owner:

Drink me/Eat me, 8x10, acrylic on stretched canvas

 The reason I found this one so hard was because in order for it to fit the collection, I needed to paint in my old style. But artists evolve, and I definitely have. Here is most of the Alice series I did (missing only a couple little pieces):

 My figures changed, my colors changed, etc. I didn't realize how MUCH until I was working on Queen Alice, and I just found it so hard to switch back. Still, I was happy to complete this series and leave Alice behind!

My next deadline was for a group show and the theme was "children's story reimagined". I chose the 12 Dancing Princesses. My take on it was that the princesses were often portrayed as unfeeling and awful creatures delighting in tricking everyone while they danced the night away. BUT... how happy and delighted would YOU be to be forced to dance every night, ALL night, until you had worn clean through your brand new dancing shoes?

People, there is no amount of coffee in the world that would help that situation. So, I painted five of them (because 12 in one painting looks more like a pile-up at a football game) quite exhausted, in the underground jeweled forest:

"After the Dance" 14x18, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold, prints available)

I think it's clear that my Alice painting mind-set had a bit of influence over this piece. Somewhere in between my old style and my current one.

I then was free of obligations, having said no to commissions and such so I could clear the decks, my mind, whatever else, and just PAINT for a while. It was around Valentine's Day, so I painted some small chocolates:

"Chocolates and Strawberries" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

"Truffles" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

I knew from years past that I enjoy painting chocolate. It's so easy to make them look real (when they're square. The truffles were a nightmare.) However, I had such awful cravings! I ate boxes and boxes of strawberries after the top one. I also went out and bought a ton of clearance Valentine's Day chocolate to take my own reference photos (these were referenced from Pixabay.)

Do you know what multiple pounds of chocolate smells like under studio lights when you're snapping pictures? I think I gained five pounds just because of the aroma. Good grief!

Yeah, and then I ate them. *head*desk* Not helping me lose the 20lbs I have gained since I moved back to Vermont! Although, I feel like I could kinda get away with the strawberries. They're healthy! Oh sure, I know, I know... moderation is the key. *dramatic sigh*

I really liked painting the chocolates, and I have good reference photos, but I realized I'm kind of in the mood to do more still-lifes, so I bought some other produce and used some left over wine, and snapped a bunch of photos I plan on using soon as well. I've been thinking about that though.

While I am enjoying doing basic still-life paintings, I want to add a few elements that make them more *me*, and not just any old still-life. If you have any suggestions, let me know! At the moment, I'm contemplating small animals (Duckling? Bunny? I thought of a mouse, but people get freaked out by mice by food, so maybe not. Chipmunk, maybe?)

Lastly, this week I finished this piece:

"Tempus" 11x14, acrylic on gallery deep wooden panel

I started this piece while staying in a hotel room during a family crisis a year ago. I set it aside and occasionally worked on it, but I never had a good vision with it. Over the last week, I picked it back up again and finally settled on this. It's strange that I finished it a year later, and being able to reflect on my life then and now. I won't say everything is better, because it's not. Life is forever changed.

But I'm here. Time did pass. Things have changed. And that means something!

Moving forward, I'm hoping to start producing more. But then, that's always my goal! PAINT FASTER!!! And better. Always trying to improve my techniques! I need to switch back over into my oils, but I think I've been waiting on the warmer weather so I can have the windows open.

Oh, lastly, I turned 44 in February.

That's me, on my birthday, just like I do every year. Next year, if life is good to me and my family and they're healthy and I am too, I should be an "empty nester". It'll be an interesting phase in my life! Gotta get there first, though!

Off to paint! I think I'm in the mood for landscape experimentation at the moment!

Hello 2019!

I have to admit that I sat down to write out a post several times over the past months, and I just couldn't do it. I think part of the reason behind that was that every time I posted, something else would go wildly wrong, and it all just became too overwhelming.

I think a lot of people had a rough, or even awful 2018. I didn't see any posts on social media expressing how much they didn't want to see 2018 go, and rather it was a lot more "don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2018!"

As always, I use the end of the year to review. Some years, I feel pretty good about my year even with the knocks. This year, like so many other people, I was just over it.

At the tail end of the year, I tried to knock out some challenge paintings... that I then went and got too complicated with and only managed two of the 12 I should have done. One is a raccoon, and even though the prompt was "cookie", I'm pretty sure I channeled my own issues which led to me gaining 15 lbs since I moved back to Vermont...

"MY Cookie" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (available)

Do you see it? I totally see it.

Man, I wish my pants fit right now. I'm trying to tell myself that making my jeans tight just made them into compression stockings... right? *sigh* I need a button that let's me zip my mouth shut. I still haven't hopped back onto the healthy eating train either. I was going to, I totally was going to! And then I tried to give up coffee, my son blew out his knee trying yoga with me, and... cookie.

The other painting prompt was "Ribbon":

Red Ribbon, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

Earlier, I got this one done for a deadline that I actually missed... but I liked him so much I had to finish him anyway. He's my "Twitterphant"!

"Twitterphant" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

And then lastly, working with Thrice Fiction, I was given a story by someone I think Christmas doesn't bring good feelings for (that's putting it mildly.) I'm a holiday freak, as I'm sure you all know, so this was actually a challenge. I read the story to my kids and we came up with a zombie hand, but festive-style!

Zombie Christmas Tree, 5x7, Acrylic... my son is thinking of keeping it

I have to say I LOVE painting twinkle lights. There's something about being able to use paint to make you think something is glowing in real life. It's funny, because it's just paint... but your brain says "those are lights, and they are on" - I've never been able to paint a candle with the same effect, but I have seen it in some paintings and always marveled over it. I CAN pull it off with twinkle lights, though! HA! (Mental note: practice painting more candles this year.)

I'm kicking myself for missing the holiday season and having a reason to paint twinkle lights. Maybe Christmas 2019 will let me go wild with the lights in all the paintings! Here's hoping I get a chance to actually get a shot at that!

As always, I put together my painting quilt. This is EVERY single painting of 2019. I wish I had done more, but the ones I did, not so bad! My color choices continued to shift to more earthy (natural) tones, and I'm really enjoying that.

I have goals for 2019... not the least of which is to fit into my clothing again. I know, I know... no cookie. Sigh. 

I plan on painting. As always, that is my goal. My hope is to rebuild and bulk up my portfolio and start laying down artistic roots once again now that I am back in Vermont and it really feels like home. This year has the potential to yield big and wonderful things, and I truly hope that is what is actually in store for me.

I really hope you all had a decent 2018, but if not, at least it's over. I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone!

Going Back Home

When last I popped in, it was June in North Carolina. It was hot, humid, and just icky. I have to say it's a wonderful relief to sit here and tell you that there is a cool, crisp breeze outside and it'll be getting down to the low 40's tonight. If we were in NC still, that kind of weather would cause an all out panic (which makes me giggle a little, I admit.)

We have relocated back to Vermont!

This has been a very interesting experience, going back. When I left, I was angry. I felt like I had been driven out with the cost of living, solar panels going up all around us (a neighbor had a huge field of them go up on two sides of her property, and there wasn't a thing she or the town could do about it.) I was upset about the cost of college for my kids, and the thought that there was nothing they'd be able to do for work here. When given a second chance to rethink our relocation to NC at the last minute, we wavered, but in the end we decided it was the right thing to do to leave VT. I was convinced I was never going back.

I think a lot of my anger stemmed from the fact that when we first moved here, we thought that was it! Vermont was where we would retire, and everything would be wonderful! It wasn't - there were some negative/strange interactions that I let affect me, lots of hitches and snags (although, surmountable, had I tried harder), and in the end I think I just felt betrayed that I had to leave for my kids' future, when I thought I would be staying forever.

Life's lessons come in some funny forms. This one for me was a pretty big lesson. North Carolina was the biggest mistake we ever made. I won't go into the why's and what happened, because most of it is intensely personal. I think it's enough to say that it was life changing, and perspective altering. Your priorities shift on some major levels when things get really, really bad.

The opportunity came up for us to move back, and we realized how much we actually wanted to. On some level, I was aware that it was likely we were yearning for the life we had before some truly horrible things happened to us... and that's delusional, because you don't get to go backwards. I look back now, and realize that we really did love the land and we should have tried to find other solutions. Some things have also shifted and it turns out that what my children want to do IS supported here; there is a real path forward. Some things haven't shifted, but we have solutions now. Being aware of all of that, we were able to make the decision in a balanced way, and we chose to go home. 

I thought I would have to eat a lot of crow, having left in such a huff. But do you know, the only person who snapped back at me is someone who isn't even from Vermont at all? Instead, the people here welcomed me back with warmth and caring - leaving me practically tearful with gratitude. We were lucky enough to move back to our same town, which wasn't something we even tried to do (in VT, that's pretty tricky because the housing market is not such that you pick the town you want to live in, but rather that you look for a house that will work and THEN discover what town you will be living in.) That means the community we left is still mostly here, and that has been a huge blessing.

We have gone from a shiny "perfect" house in NC, to a house that needs a LOT of work - the kitchen is from the 1980's and my son cracked me up when he confessed to being afraid to use the oven because it's all dials and the only way to tell the temperature is an actual gauge you set inside on the rack (yeah, the kitchen is on our renovate list first, right after replacing the 25 year old boiler that's making really scary sounds right now!) But a big, shiny, perfect house doesn't mean anything if it doesn't feel like home. When I got here, I felt like I could breath after three years of holding my breath. I never relaxed in NC, but I did here, even in the midst of a crazy move.

My new backyard is about 100 acres, and this is the view from my new studio (it has a little balcony) and this is my husband (just celebrated our 23rd anniversary!) who is also thrilled beyond belief to be back

I wake up every morning and there are deer, and often a "rafter" of turkeys (no idea why they don't just call it a flock.) I have squirrels, and birds, and breezes that flow through my OPEN windows, and cool crisp air that smells of honey and clover. I have quiet, and butterflies, and I have peace. It took a bad turn to realize we really did need to be back, and it has been a lot of work - will continue to be a lot of work on multiple levels, but I really feel like we're on the right path for the first time in a long time.

sunset, in our backyard a week ago

I also have two new fluffy members of the family! We just adopted them a few days ago and are in the process of slowly introducing them to the other animals in the house. Meet Merlin:

and Stratus:

They're total snuggle-bugs, small kittens (especially compared to Socrates who is about 10 times their size) and they also like watching Disney movies.

Merlin and Stratus, snuggled up with me

Side note: I found a bathrobe covered in shiny silver stars!

I think I only have two new paintings to share, even though so much time has passed since I last wrote. The first is a painting that is currently on the Liberty Orchard's Halloween box!

"Halloween Kittens" 9x12 inches, acrylic on canvas, sold

The ad from Liberty Orchards

The next painting is the second in my Favorite Things series:

"Georgette" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas, available 

I have my kitchen unpacked, and my studio completely unpacked. That's it. The rest of the house is in complete disarray. I'll get there with the rest of the house, but I am ready to start painting again.

I tried working on an in-progress piece - but I feel out of sync. So, I think like after not exercising for a while, I need to warm up and do some smaller, faster work to get back into my groove. I'm going to try to do daily paintings again, at least for a little while, to break in my new studio area! Hopefully, I'll have a lot more to share, and check in more often!

Things may still be hard right now, but there is light. There is positivity. I didn't expect any of these turns, and I'm as surprised as anyone else that this is where I sit tonight... but I'm oh, so glad that this is where I am. Home.

Back To Your Roots

Today, I'm in my PJ's sitting in my studio contemplating the coffee I haven't brewed and am supposed to give up... but I'm totally going to finish out the coffee I have in the house before I give it up. Seems like a fiscally responsible thing to do, right? It's not like I have someone to donate it to, it would be a waste otherwise... *ahem*

I have two paintings to share for my online art collective's auction that opens up on Friday on Facebook. The theme is "Seasons". I had all sorts of ideas for this one, because I feel that something like seasons is right in my wheelhouse. I sketched out a bunch of ideas... honestly, I ended up having too many ideas, rather than too few, and it actually messed me up. I had this elaborate one with three elephants and on the head of each was different seasonal effects (like snow, flowers, etc) - I actually have the elephants mostly painted, but when it came down to it I just wasn't feeling it and I set it aside to be completed later (and perhaps differently.)

Instead, as I was on an owl streak and that's all I wanted to paint lately, I put these two together:

"Lilac" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, will be available on Friday

"Mistle" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, will be available on Friday

Lilac for Spring, and Mistle for my Winter/Yule season. They actually look better in person, my scanner really pics up variances that you just don't see in reality that make it look a bit choppier. I haven't figured out how to adjust that yet (any pointers from people who know? I use an Epson v39 scanner with it's software for 8x10's and under, everything else I have professional photography equipment but I use the scanner because it seems like too much effort to bust out all the stuff for a little painting! I use Lightroom3 or PSE to adjust if needed, but that's the extent of my photoshopping skills, and I'm probably missing most of the stuff I can do with those programs.)

Anyway, I really like how these owls turned out. I met my deadline by getting them done before the show opens (yay!) and now I am working on an old commission (as in, it's been going on for two years...)

My collector is dedicated and lovely. She's been so understanding, but it has been hard to work on this piece. I think the biggest reason is that I just don't paint like this anymore. My collector loves my Alice in Wonderland series, like this piece from 2012:

"Tea Time"

There is a whole series of paintings, including the cheshire cat, Alice, the Queen of Hearts, etc:

There are lots more, even. Anyway, it's a bigger series, lots in it, and the collector wanted a "Queen Alice". I could already feel my style shifting pretty dramatically, but I felt it would be ok.

Unfortunately, embarrassingly, it has taken me forever to work on. After I finally got it sketched out, it sat for a long time. Life blew up, so that is partly responsible for a lot of the time too. I just didn't paint at all - anything - for months and months. Then, I found I wanted to paint other things and when I tried to work on Queen Alice it would go sideways on me. I just wasn't feeling it. 

Because I am all caught up on my other deadlines, I am trying to work on this commission and I am finally feeling it a lot more. It is really hard to paint in a way you don't anymore. Those of you who have evolved your style, have you tried painting like you once did? I feel like my brain and fingers get confused.

Anyway, here is the work in progress as of this morning - it is messy and has a loooooooong way to go, but I am working on it. I spent Friday only on the stack of books. That should have taken very little time, and instead because I'm all upside down and backwards about this, it took ages!

Queen Alice, Work In Progress

I'm determined though. My poor collector, I cannot believe she has been so patient with me over this. So, this is my focus right now. I MUST get this one done. 

In a lot of ways, it'll be cathartic too. It'll be the final piece that links back to that whole period of my art-life. My art roots (after the abstracts where I really started.) I still do some specific fairytale stuff (and I always will because I love the stories), but it's not my focus anymore. I have new focus, new direction... I just need to do this, and maybe it's really all about closure? Do we need closure on art-periods and phases we go through? Hmm. Well, in either case, it's what I am getting!

Off to paint!

New Directions

It's Tuesday and my youngest (17 yrs) is off taking his first of two finals in high school, so by the end of Thursday I will have a high school senior on my hands (which I am extremely grateful for, because it's been a very difficult year)! One more year and then he'll hopefully be off to college (wants to be a programmer) and I'll be an Empty Nester!

An Empty Nester at 44 (I'm 43 now), and yet I saw on the news that more and more women are choosing to have babies in their 50's. I cannot even imagine doing that, I'm so exhausted now as it is. I remember existing in a fog in my 20's because of baby-duty, but at least I had the energy of being young. I didn't think I actually had energy at the time, but looking back now I can see that I did. Sort of like a zombie shuffling forward on autopilot. (I think if I had kids now, my autopilot would just give up.)

My eldest turned 20 years old this past weekend. She finished up her second year at university in May, and then decided that's enough for now and that her path lies in another direction. For me, this was a bit hard to wrap my brain around. Isn't it funny how you want to give your kids what you didn't have and if it turns out it's not for them it can really set you back several paces? But the truth that every parent has to grasp is that they are not you and they have their own path to follow... you just hope it doesn't end up with them living in your basement until they're 40 (because apparently that is a thing now, too!)

My own direction is shifting quickly. I still cannot share everything, but I'm hoping it'll be very positive for everyone - albeit stressful! My hope is that I can  start to really do some productive things in my studio. I feel left behind because I have been meaning to get a Patreon going for over two years now, among other things, but life has gotten in the way.

However, there have been some positive signs - glimmers of hope - that lead me to believe I can start investing in myself again, and my work. That being said, I have two new series that I have started. One is going to be all larger paintings (16x20" and up... I have some really big canvases, so who knows where this will end up) and the other will be smaller paintings (8x10" and under.) They are unrelated series, but both make my soul sing just enough to know THIS is what I want to be doing right now and I want to be in my studio all the time again.

The big series is in planning stages still. I have the first painting planned out, but not sketched out. I'm excited to work on it, but I have other commissions, shows and various deadlines to meet before I can start in on it. I'm looking forward to sharing it, though!

The smaller painting series is much easier for me to dive into in between projects, and here is the first:

"The Time Keeper" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available.

The series is "My Favorite Things", and each painting will be 8x10 and smaller, with a subject posing with its most favorite thing! I painted this Great Grey Owl, and my son informed me that this one's favorite thing was most definitely a pocket watch! Once he said it, I knew my son was absolutely spot-on! I've called this painting "The Time Keeper", and he's in a special section of my shop just for this series.

I thought about holding the paintings back and doing a show, but there are reasons why I can't do that right now... that I'll share later. But perhaps the larger series will be one I can do a full physical show with!

My goal is going to be to hopefully paint one of these Favorite Things pieces a week, whenever possible. I'm not sure how many paintings my series will encompass, but I think I'll know when I'm done. As I am just starting, I believe I have a long way in front of me! If you have any particular animal you'd like to see, let me know! I love getting ideas, but I have no idea what their favorite thing will be until I've painted them in... they're all so individual! For example, I've painted multiple raccoons (and I will do at least one for this series) and I have to say I don't think a single one of them would have the same favorite thing.

It's so nice to find the joy in my studio again!

...Off to paint!

In The Quiet

It's the end of May, and I fear I have little to show for 2018 in my studio thus far, but I have recently begun painting again and have a few pieces to show. The one I like the best, I just finished last week and it's off to La Bodega gallery in CA for a "Spirit Animal" show in early June:

"Rae" 8x10, Acrylic on Canvas Panel

It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!

What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.

It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)

I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)

Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):

Parrot study, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel Available

Raccoon, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (sold)

"Party Crashers" 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, framed, available (on show currently at Thumbprint Gallery, CA)

Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.

I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.

And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."

So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.

A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.

My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)

I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!

So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!

A Hard Road

Time seems to move fast and slow at the same time for me. Do you ever feel that way?

As I said before, life has gotten hard again. I wish I could share more, but owing to privacy issues and our judgmental society, I can't. I can say that I am back to being a full-time caretaker in a scary situation, and it's taking its toll on me... and possibly my hair (I've lost about half of my volume of hair over the last year and it hasn't come back. I hope it will, I miss it and my husband has even notices, which freaks me out even more.)

All that being said, I am trying really hard to paint. Art is who I am, and I lose something vital when I don't work. I don't have a lot to show for myself for these past weeks, but I have the following to share:

Nude 1, 5x7 acrylic on canvas panel

Nude 2, 5x7 acrylic on canvas panel

These two nude studies are 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. I did them because I really want to start improving my figure painting, AND I wanted to try to work with a local gallery here who I like. They had an open call for artists to submit nude works, and I managed to finish these two right on the deadline and submit them.

I don't know when I'll hear back, but hopefully they'll accept them. If not, they'll be available in my shop! The back-facing one was easy! It just flowed. I felt good about it and it went great, especially for acrylic when I prefer oils for people. The second one... what a headache! It got bad enough that I had to ditch the reference photo and just make it up as I went along. It turned out ok once I did that, but it looks less like a real person and more like I made it up... which I did.

I have figured out that while I respect people who can paint with hyper-realism, I don't want to paint that way... but I want to paint in a painterly realistic way, if that makes sense. The top one isn't bad for that goal, as a starting point. The second one, not so much. I suppose it's all a journey figuring my art-self out as I go!

This next piece, well I'm technically not supposed to post it until the 15th, but I wanted to share it (because it'll likely be a while before I blog again, given my history!):

Three-Eyed Fox (I can't figure out a good name yet) 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, available on auction on facebook, https://www.facebook.com/StrangeDreamsSurrealArtCollective/

The theme is "Mystic Animals" and this was what I came up with. I had a lot of thoughts, but weirdly when it came time to sit down and do something I kinda hit a blank until a three-eyed fox. I know I'll have a million ideas later and kick myself for it, but hey, at least I made this deadline too!

I'm going to be 43 in about two weeks. I feel 16 and 80 at the same time right now. I tweak my knee by getting ready to stand up - not actually STANDING up, but just tensing to get ready to stand. Who does that?! Yet, if I buy something like a bottle of wine (which is rare, I don't really drink) I feel like I'm going to get busted like some sort of teenager. I'm in a weird place, yup.

I'm working on trying to take care of myself in between everything going on. Trying to get in workouts, trying to cut back on the chocolate (ha, yeah... there's a losing battle right there), and trying to get sleep and find time to just breath. I really wonder if moving to NC was a good choice. I was so frustrated with VT on many levels, but the main reason we moved here was because college is so unaffordable up there. One year up there at a main university is the cost of a whole bachelor's degree at a main/state university in NC. That's insane, not to mention the job market is dead for new adults as my children would be.

I'm hoping that getting more involved with the art scene here will help. I've submitted to that local gallery, and I also plan on attending some artist gatherings when they start back up in a few weeks... as much as I am a hermit, keeping myself apart isn't helping me settle in. I'm trying, though.

About comments on my post, I can't seem to comment back to folks, so I want you to know I REALLY appreciate your comments, and I'm sorry I haven't figured out how to easily respond!

And... now I'm off to paint for another gallery deadline that I haven't started! EEK!

Monkey Business

I haven't accomplished too much in my studio, yet again. I do have this lemur to share:

4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas, Available

He is only 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (he's available.) I actually want to do another one. I didn't know how he was going to turn out, and at one point I thought I might have to scrap it.

That's part of the problem I have been having. It's almost like I feel like I forget how to paint on some days. Have you ever felt that? It's so weird! I'm wondering if perhaps I am feeling it because I keep painting things I haven't ever painted before... like a lemur. Really, I haven't painted a lot of animals in general, so I'm figuring out a lot of fur techniques as I go. In truth though, I think I just blindly figure my way through each painting. Eventually it does get there! Well, usually.

I'm still doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my art. I know that I want it to be more than small $50 paintings being completed over and over. I want to "paint big" (as in speak loudly.) I also know I want to include human subjects, and I have a LONG way to go to reach the skill level I want to have to be comfortable in my art.

The only way to get there is to start doing it, repeatedly, and consistently. So, that's my goal - to be trite - Just DO it (already!) I can plan and wish all I want, but if I want to get better I need to make the effort and suck it up when it feels crappy. And it will.

Jumping the gun a little bit, I am going to do a nude study for (hopefully) a submission to a local gallery I would like to get involved with. That's coming up fast, so I hope to start that in the next day or two.

Life-wise, things are getting tough again. I wish I could say more, but in short I knew this was coming and it's just very unsettling. Unsettling I can handle, my real fear is it getting scary and life-and-death as it was last year. It's entirely possible. I'm just trying to keep a positive outlook and eyes on the goal of life getting better eventually.

I hope you are all well! I read all your comments on my posts, and I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier!

Half-Price Chocolate Day

It's the day after Valentine's day, and that means major sales on chocolate! Not that I'm buying any, but I AM going to go hunt stuffed animals with my son later this afternoon (it's likely HE will be the one scoping out the chocolate.)

My husband and I went to Walmart on Sunday, and I have to say that I have never, in all my life, seen that much stuff in one place for Valentine's Day. Maybe it's a bigger deal here in North Carolina than in Vermont?

They had these red bins of stuffed animals as far as the eye could see. I'm not kidding, they were set up two-deep in front of every register like you see in the photo I snapped, but also down every larger walkway, and in the back of the store. Never have I wanted to take a running leap more than I did when I first caught sight of all these giant red bins. Forget ball-pits, I want a pit of stuffed animals!

That wasn't even the tip of the iceberg though! There were so many aisles full of candy and decorations and crafts... good grief! Balloons everywhere! Pink baked stuff on every corner. Flowers shoved into huge shelves that bracketed the doors... Actually, that is something I'm going back to see if I can snag a few of. I don't like getting flowers, unless they're potted. I always feel bad when the cut ones die, because they were so expensive. If they're gonna die, let it be me that accidentally killed them instead of paying an arm and a leg for ones guaranteed to die in a vase.

Now, you might be thinking I'm a grown woman with stuffed animals all over her house after my obvious fixation on them in the store, but that's actually not true. I was that kid who collected (far too many) stuffed animals, but I did eventually get rid of them as an adult. Probably because I had children, and I got to live vicariously through their stuffed animal collections. Now, both of my kids don't really have many anymore, but they still like getting one at Christmas.

I have a few small stuffies, all given to me by my children throughout the years sitting in my studio, and a new one this Valentine's day from my husband (a small purple unicorn. He also gave me a Reese's heart, but I haven't gotten into it. I really am trying to lose weight! I just visit it, and tell it I love it, but I leave it in its box. I can't even smell it like that. I know. I have issues.) Likely, I'll go and just stand there in Walmart and imagine how great it would be to buy a giant bear for 65% off, but not actually do it. A sort of vicarious discount experience. I'll probably do the same with the chocolate.

In order to stay out of the chocolates, I decided my fast painting for Valentine's day would actually BE chocolates. That might sound like I was torturing myself, but it was kinda neat. It turns out chocolates are a lot more complicated than you would think. Instead of spending only 20 minutes on it like I am supposed to, I went the better part of an hour. I was frustrated it wasn't moving faster and I was determined to finish it. I do like the results though:

Chocolates, 4x6 acrylic on loose canvas

A lot of people have complimented it and say it looks like a photo. This is flattering, but also interesting to me. The reason being is that I think I have finally learned, I mean really let it click for once, that even when you don't paint it perfectly that the viewer's brain will correct or even fill in the details to make it look the way it's "supposed" to in real life. As long as you're not too far off, the viewer's brain will do the rest.

If you get close up to this painting, there are mistakes. There are areas where it's so very clearly painted, and maybe even wrong. I've been working with my nose so close to the canvas and being mad I can't get it perfect on all my bigger paintings, but the truth is... it doesn't need to be. This might help me speed up my bigger painting projects and hopefully improve them overall. All a part of my growth. Working on it!

I also finished a little daily 20-minute last week, the last of my Betta's for that week:

4.5x6, oil on loose canvas

I'm working on some larger paintings at the moment, but the in-progress shots would be a mess to show! But at least I'm working! It's forward progress for where I want to go with my studio, I just need to create enough space between assignments and deadlines to start changing things for myself and growing. It's hard to push back, but I'm trying.

A lot of it is my own fault, too though. Tripping all over myself, boxing myself in. It's that way in all areas of my life that have problems, I think. Whether it's my studio, or my weight, or what have you... why am I always in my own way? Oh well, a thought for another day.

For now, paint, and later... hunting unicorns!

Back to the Art-side

A long absence has certainly given me a lot to share, both personally and art-wise! I'm going to go a bit lighter today.

As it's December, I thought I would share my official 2016 Holiday painting (this is a different painting that I create each year with the intent to release as a holiday card for myself and others to order, etc.) I got my neighbor's daughter to be my model, and I actually think it turned out rather well:

"Sequor" (original is sold, prints and LE canvas prints available)
11x14 Oil on Canvas Panel

I was happy I completed this painting this year, as I sort of failed that goal last year what with only moving into the house in October and not being settled at all. This year, my studio is set-up very nicely. In fact, I recently was able to attend Art of the Carolinas for the first time ever! I didn't participate in any workshops, but the art supply trade show is a DREAM.

I was able to get my hands on all sorts of things at a huge discount. One of the people there told me that many artists save up all year and then do all their buying at the show. I can see why, and I'll likely start doing that myself. 

I was able to purchase HUGE canvas panels for the first time ever. I always had to order stuff in Vermont and the shipping was often the same or more than the panel, and the panel was pricey too so I never went for a big one! At the show I was able to get canvases over 60 inches for less than $60. If you know your canvas, you know that's a big savings! I was giddy at the trade show! I even got a new easel. It's an art supply wonderland for me!

My poor husband endured it pretty well. I figure it's payback for all that time spent in fishing stores, or in the home improvement stores when he's "just browsing" and I get to the point where I'm eyeing the stacks of plywood and thinking "I could nap on that, right? No one would notice..."

I was also able to paw through wood panels. I have started painting on these now and again. I'm kind of on the fence with them. The ones I had were plate-smooth and this actually made it hard to paint on. I felt like the paint was slipping off, and this surprised me because I often feel like I'm fighting the tooth of normal canvases. Still, I got this one to turn out when others had failed me (or I failed them):

"Sunset" 5x7x1" oil on cradled wooden panel, available

I found some gessoed panels at the show that actually had some texture to them, and I'm going to try them and see how they work. I like the idea of painting on wood, but I have a lot of canvas to use up if that's the way I go. I also, a few months ago, found gesso (Prima) that reduces the tooth without sanding and this was a huge find for me.

Let's see. More art that has happened, and has started me really thinking about my studio and my direction:

I painted "Dawn" on a black ground, and this was a new experience for me. One that I really liked, and intend to explore more. It took me longer than necessary because I was new to it, but here is a time-lapse I shot on my phone of the painting:

This is one of the paintings that has got me thinking about my studio and "voice" which I'll touch on in another post. Until then, here is more art from this year that I haven't shared:

I just finished "Ringmaster" on 12/1. I had to turn him around in about 24 hours. I'm pleased with how he turned out! He's another little one: 5x7" oil on canvas panel.

Envy, oil on 6x6 canvas panel (available)

I have been playing with abstracts again:

"Stardust" is a large piece at 24x36x1.5, acrylic/silver leafing/gems on stretched canvas (available)

"Lark" is 9x12, acrylic/gold leafing on stretched canvas (framed, 14x17, available)

Didn't name this one, but same dimensions and info except I used silver leafing (sold)

I've completed other paintings, but that's probably enough for now. And honestly, I haven't been creating a lot this year. I know I originally had this huge plan, but I will say that I failed that. I've been thinking a lot about why, but that is for yet another day!