Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Hello?

Every time I see "Hello" I hear Adele's song. Does anyone else have that problem? I blame my daughter for that, playing it incessantly this year while she was here and every time she visits.

I have to say, I don't know why photos from earlier posts are vanishing? I'm not going to go back and re-add them, it's just too much work. Maybe they'll show up again eventually?

You may have noticed that I disappeared for a while. I even deleted my blog there for a bit. Fortunately, blogger hangs onto it for a period of time so you can change your mind. I did, but then I still didn't post.

So much has been going on, and so little at the same time. I'm not sure if I did any clearing of my blog before I deleted it or not, so I'm not sure if I posted about life changes. As I have a draft in my folder, but it doesn't look like it was posted, I'll just assume I never said anything at all from May onward. 

I have a lot to say (and art to share), so this is going to take a few posts over the next week or two. Some might not seem art-related, but my life affects my art, so it really is!

There were big changes in my world, because my daughter graduated from High School and went off to college:

My daughter, on Graduation Day from High School

My daughter, in a painting I did of her this year. 9x12 inches, oil on stretched canvas.
(This one, I didn't sell. I have it on my wall.)

I now have an 18-year-old daughter, in college. An adult. This is a very strange marker to cross. I'm having a lot of thoughts, still, along the lines of "How did I get here?!" 

My youngest just turned 16 about a week ago. I have so little time left with "kids", and an unknown stretch in front of me with "adult children".  Also, my daughter felt it was a good time to mention that I could be a grandma in a few years. So, SO not helpful. I mean, I'll be a good grandma I think, but in my head I'm somewhere between 16-22 years old. I know I'm 41 logically... but I'm not on the inside. 

Facing this family phase of my life being over is proving unbelievably difficult for me. I suddenly understand why some people start over with more kids. Technically, I started my family at 23, so it wasn't that early. Yet, my peers/friends, people my age are actually just starting their families NOW. 

I know of very few friends who are in my position, and I know of so many who had a baby this year or a year or two past. Their houses are filled with that young laughter and energy. Mine has become remarkably changed. I noticed it when we had a neighborhood gathering here and I realized my house isn't kid-safe and it's boring for children. No more toys in any rooms or on floors (upside; no Lego's to step on at 2AM and almost die, so silver lining! Wait, is that why they call it a "silver" lining?)

I have a grown-up house now. Yikes!

We moved from Vermont to this house in North Carolina (over that long and horrible process) and we've only been here just over a year. When we moved, we purged a lot of old things. Old furniture (that it was safe to spill stuff on because after 14 years we weren't even sure WHAT color the couches were anymore), scratched and broken tables, toys that hadn't been played with in years, and so on. We got to buy new furniture here and we picked out stuff that went with the new house and our lives now. But it's grown-up stuff, most especially because the interior of the house is different... colder. It's not that we don't like it, but it's just, well, very adult-like instead of family-kids-like.

Having a child become an adult and seeing this phase of my life coming to a close is a difficult thing to face. Life really IS short. It seems so long when you're young, but it's not. 

Oh, and we're definitely not starting over with more kids. I can barely handle my husband's snoring ruining my sleep, I cannot even fathom getting up with a baby! Not NOW! I don't know how my peers are doing it. *yawn* My husband and I are both firm on that point, but I'm so sad about this part being over too. It's good my kids are successfully flying the nest, but it's heartbreaking too. 

I'm wondering what this means for me going forward. Finding my new normal. I'm not sure what that is, exactly. This is especially true when it comes to my studio and art. But, more on that later...

Queen's Rule

I think we're at a stopping point for taking pictures of the back view... everything is just sort of dead and ugly right now. Once we get a pretty snow, I'll snap a picture of that! Autumn was fun while it lasted!

I finished my queen earlier this week, finally!

"Queen of Hearts" 16x20 inches, acrylic on stretched canvas.

She came out well, even though there were times I worried. It's funny, because I feel like this painting really fought me. I'm not sure why. It certainly took forever, if we look at actual time from the drawing to the completion... but that's mostly because I walked away frequently, frustrated with her.

I'm going to paint a companion piece to her, The White Queen, and I'm actually looking forward to that one! She lives backwards, so I'm working on coming up with things that express that!

I also finished two little pieces:

I named this one Bunk-bed, can you see why? I'm in love with this one because of the tiny mouse. I have this urge to paint all sorts of tiny mice and kittens on tiny canvases!
4x4 inches, acrylic on stretched canvas
This one is now available in my shop

I painted that little mouse, and he's smaller than an earring:

it's a bad picture, late at night off my phone, but you can see how tiny he is.

I realize I need to fins tinier brushes for a lot of the things I want to do. The ones I have, they're simply not small enough!

And then I finished this kitty too:

The moon and leaves are iridescent. I've started adding in jade to the edges of my moons and I just love it! 
3x6 inches, acrylic on stretched canvas
This painting is now up for sale in my shop

And then I didn't get any work done because everything got a bit crazy here between house showings and other things. I'm back to work now, and working on a piece for the Black and White November auction on facebook:

it's messy, I know. My idea is do paint everything in black and white, except for the moon, her, and the wolf/dog's eyes (which will match the moon somehow.) I've forgotten how tricky it is to paint in just black and white. This is funny really, because I used to be afraid of color! Black and white (and all the grays) were so easy! Color was tricky. Now, it's the other way around!

So, I'm a bit uncertain if the piece will turn out. I'm hopeful, though! And Christmas paintings are on the way too. I must get my holiday painting in! And with that, I'm also putting up one of my Christmas trees today. I know it's early, but normally I decorate on November 1st, so technically I'm late. Since we're showing the house, I wasn't going to put anything up until Thanksgiving, but the truth is that I need my twinkle lights!

I hope you all had a wonderful week! Anyone else have holiday decor up yet?

Going Digital... A little bit

Yay, my first on-time Monday post!

I started using my iPad to start off with the daily sketches goal. I'm alternating between ArtRage and ArtStudio, and I'm finding there are benefits to each. But I'm sticking more with ArtStudio. I have also found that I love layers. Layers always bothered me before, because as traditional artists we work with one surface and pile it on (in layers or not, but that's the way it works.) Digitally, if you do that it becomes like finishing a painting in one solid go without letting anything dry (which can get muddy.) Thus, layers is like letting the layers of paint dry so you don't mess them up! I suddenly LOVE layers! Plus, you can go back and add things later, and you certainly cannot do that in the real world!

Anyway, I think I finally hit on a good exercise for me to get my art brain cells up-n-at-'em! So, I'm definitely going to be shooting for a daily sketch. That being said, I'm casting about trying to figure out a character. I was leaning towards a griffin, but then I ended up with a dragon for my first one:

"Hanging"

I really like the way he came out, but I'm not certain that this is going to be my main little character. We'll see what develops of course...

Another dragon for the second, but different:

"Little Spring Shower"

I'm not too thrilled with the dragon in this one, but I love how the water all came out. It was SO easy to draw it, and I actually thought it was going to be trickier for some reason. I'm not sure why.

I'm noticing that everything is brighter on my iPad, but the finished image comes out darker online. I have this problem with my paintings too. I'll paint them so they're great under a light, but far too dark in normal lighting conditions. I was surprised to have this same problem in the digital world.

Third day:

"New Neighbor"

I fell in LOVE with the bumblebee. I don't know why, but I just love him. Maybe it's because they're outside in droves right now:

My lilac bush. Butterfly and Bumble hanging out.

So, I did another with a bumblebee!

I'm calling this one "...What?"

I think it's clear I'm doing a dragon character. But now, I know I'm definitely doing a bumblebee too!

I guess I need names for the two of them...

Anyway, for my first digital paintings/drawings, I think they came out pretty good! I think I'm going to switch to paper for a bit to see if I can't get myself to move faster. I've spent hours and hours on each of these, and the real intention was to really spend a maximum of up to two.  Ooops. But I learned a lot!

I hope everyone has a great week!