Life Got Busy

I feel like I am in the final stretch of... something. I haven't done much in my studio but these:

"Twinkle" 8x10, acrylic, Available

"Sky 1", 6x6 acrylic, Available 

"Halo" 6x6, acrylic, SOLD

I find that I am disappointed in myself for not having accomplished more. I have started a few pieces, but in truth I've just been completely buried in my life. We have been remodeling, and it's getting to a desperate point since we have my parents and my son's girlfriend coming out for his high school graduation shortly (to see some remodeling pictures and such, you can pop over to my other more life oriented blog here) I've been painting walls instead of canvas!

My son is graduating high school in two weeks, company is coming (so we have to finish our master bedroom at the very least, so the guest room is open for guests again), my daughter is turning 21 and also moving back to North Carolina... AND we adopted my daughter's roommate's kitten that the roommate wasn't taking care of. Meet Cleopatra (Cleo for short, because it's super embarrassing to say that in person at the veterinarian - even though after meeting her the doctor agreed the name totally fits her!)

I just couldn't let her go to a shelter (even though they're all no-kill here in Vermont.) She's the sweetest, cutest, tiny little thing with six toes on each paw so she's a polydactyl, and suspected Maine Coon, but we shall see. My old boy, Socrates (also a Maine Coon, and about 16 years old) is a little huffy about having THREE extra cats after being the only one for so long. However, he's a gentle giant and just moping rather than acting out. I'm trying to snuggle him when I can. He's still my boy (even though Cleo sleeps every night curled into my neck or on my chest at the moment. Cuteness overload, people!)

But I miss my studio. I miss feeling like I have done something with my time that was for ME but also productive in a way that I have something to show for myself. I want to become someone who is producing something almost every day (or at least making great headway!) I have found my self-worth is tied heavily to my art, and I feel a bit of pain not having anything to show for months having passed. Maybe that's silly, given so much is going on, but it's my truth. I NEED to paint.

We all have things that are tied to our self-worth, what are yours?

Life will be crazy for the month of June, which also includes actual contractors showing up and ripping out our kitchen (the only project that's just too much for us to do it ourselves) in addition to company, graduation, birthday parties, and my daughter moving away. I'm hoping that July brings an opening into my being able to work again. If my son successfully attends college in September, and the remodeling is done by then as well, and nothing else bad happens (as has been for the past couple of years) I will finally have the house and my LIFE back to myself for the first time in over two decades. I'm really looking forward to what that will bring, and hoping to take advantage of it!

A New Blog

I used to blog a lot. I had two other popular blogs back in the day and I eventually shut them down. Thinking it over, I think it really did have a lot to do with Facebook. When I finally did join, 10 years ago, I felt like I was crossing a line I had been fighting for a long time... but everyone was vanishing!

It's hard to remember, but Facebook used to be about people. Actual people posted about their days and what was going on, and it was interesting to check in with folks and say "Hi! Me too!" or whatnot. Then Facebook lost it's ever-loving marbles and turned into an advertising machine. More, memes and political posts became how people chose to check in with one another.

People stopped talking to each other, or about themselves.

Facebook became funny cats and anti-whatevers jammed in between ads all over the place. I don't know how you all feel, but when I go on Facebook now I feel like I'm walking down the Vegas Strip. Everyone is selling something, stuff is flashing in your face, you can't hear the person you're with because everyone is talking - not even caring if anyone else is listening. Ugh.

I miss the days of blogging.

I went out there and looked around in the blogosphere and it is pretty quiet. The majority of blogs out there are about business and marketing, or trying to become mini-Buzzfeeds. The people are missing. *sigh* Remember people? Even the art bloggers have slowly drifted off.

I drifted for a bit too.

Well, it turns out I wasn't the only one feeling this way. A resurgence has started to trickle in with people starting back up blogs (or starting new ones.) I decided to join in, and while I will still have this as my primary art blog, for more general content about life and other things I will be here: http://lifeartchocolate.com (it redirects to https://lifechocolate.art.blog/ if that one doesn't work. Still working out the kinks with this.) I'll touch briefly on art there, but mostly it'll be about my life and thoughts. NO business, selling, opinions masquerading as a news story, etc.

Just me.

So if you're interested, I'm over there now too with the intention to post at least once a week.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled programming! I sat with a blank canvas a couple days ago, wanting to just play. I didn't know how it would go - maybe abstract? But I ended up with this:

"Winter Still", 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

It's interesting that no direction led me back to something that is far closer to my old style. Hmm. Still, it was nice to finish another piece!

Hope everyone else is up to all sorts of creative things!

Chocolate and Wonderland and On!

I had to go and check my blog to see what I had and hadn't posted, and found that I just hadn't posted. UGH! Well, I have actually gotten some art done, so let me hit that right now!

The first painting I completed for 2019 is one that I had been dragging my heels on for a while. I have been wanting to close out Alice for a long time, but I had a special collector who wanted two last pieces done. The biggie is Queen Alice:

Queen Alice, 18x24, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold)

 And then a small little piece for her collection of the drink and cakes from Wonderland. Forgive the photo, I only snapped this one with my phone - I don't know why I didn't get a proper scan - but perhaps it was because I knew I wasn't going to offer prints of it or anything, and it was just quickly on its way to its owner:

Drink me/Eat me, 8x10, acrylic on stretched canvas

 The reason I found this one so hard was because in order for it to fit the collection, I needed to paint in my old style. But artists evolve, and I definitely have. Here is most of the Alice series I did (missing only a couple little pieces):

 My figures changed, my colors changed, etc. I didn't realize how MUCH until I was working on Queen Alice, and I just found it so hard to switch back. Still, I was happy to complete this series and leave Alice behind!

My next deadline was for a group show and the theme was "children's story reimagined". I chose the 12 Dancing Princesses. My take on it was that the princesses were often portrayed as unfeeling and awful creatures delighting in tricking everyone while they danced the night away. BUT... how happy and delighted would YOU be to be forced to dance every night, ALL night, until you had worn clean through your brand new dancing shoes?

People, there is no amount of coffee in the world that would help that situation. So, I painted five of them (because 12 in one painting looks more like a pile-up at a football game) quite exhausted, in the underground jeweled forest:

"After the Dance" 14x18, acrylic on stretched canvas. (sold, prints available)

I think it's clear that my Alice painting mind-set had a bit of influence over this piece. Somewhere in between my old style and my current one.

I then was free of obligations, having said no to commissions and such so I could clear the decks, my mind, whatever else, and just PAINT for a while. It was around Valentine's Day, so I painted some small chocolates:

"Chocolates and Strawberries" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

"Truffles" 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available

I knew from years past that I enjoy painting chocolate. It's so easy to make them look real (when they're square. The truffles were a nightmare.) However, I had such awful cravings! I ate boxes and boxes of strawberries after the top one. I also went out and bought a ton of clearance Valentine's Day chocolate to take my own reference photos (these were referenced from Pixabay.)

Do you know what multiple pounds of chocolate smells like under studio lights when you're snapping pictures? I think I gained five pounds just because of the aroma. Good grief!

Yeah, and then I ate them. *head*desk* Not helping me lose the 20lbs I have gained since I moved back to Vermont! Although, I feel like I could kinda get away with the strawberries. They're healthy! Oh sure, I know, I know... moderation is the key. *dramatic sigh*

I really liked painting the chocolates, and I have good reference photos, but I realized I'm kind of in the mood to do more still-lifes, so I bought some other produce and used some left over wine, and snapped a bunch of photos I plan on using soon as well. I've been thinking about that though.

While I am enjoying doing basic still-life paintings, I want to add a few elements that make them more *me*, and not just any old still-life. If you have any suggestions, let me know! At the moment, I'm contemplating small animals (Duckling? Bunny? I thought of a mouse, but people get freaked out by mice by food, so maybe not. Chipmunk, maybe?)

Lastly, this week I finished this piece:

"Tempus" 11x14, acrylic on gallery deep wooden panel

I started this piece while staying in a hotel room during a family crisis a year ago. I set it aside and occasionally worked on it, but I never had a good vision with it. Over the last week, I picked it back up again and finally settled on this. It's strange that I finished it a year later, and being able to reflect on my life then and now. I won't say everything is better, because it's not. Life is forever changed.

But I'm here. Time did pass. Things have changed. And that means something!

Moving forward, I'm hoping to start producing more. But then, that's always my goal! PAINT FASTER!!! And better. Always trying to improve my techniques! I need to switch back over into my oils, but I think I've been waiting on the warmer weather so I can have the windows open.

Oh, lastly, I turned 44 in February.

That's me, on my birthday, just like I do every year. Next year, if life is good to me and my family and they're healthy and I am too, I should be an "empty nester". It'll be an interesting phase in my life! Gotta get there first, though!

Off to paint! I think I'm in the mood for landscape experimentation at the moment!

Hello 2019!

I have to admit that I sat down to write out a post several times over the past months, and I just couldn't do it. I think part of the reason behind that was that every time I posted, something else would go wildly wrong, and it all just became too overwhelming.

I think a lot of people had a rough, or even awful 2018. I didn't see any posts on social media expressing how much they didn't want to see 2018 go, and rather it was a lot more "don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2018!"

As always, I use the end of the year to review. Some years, I feel pretty good about my year even with the knocks. This year, like so many other people, I was just over it.

At the tail end of the year, I tried to knock out some challenge paintings... that I then went and got too complicated with and only managed two of the 12 I should have done. One is a raccoon, and even though the prompt was "cookie", I'm pretty sure I channeled my own issues which led to me gaining 15 lbs since I moved back to Vermont...

"MY Cookie" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (available)

Do you see it? I totally see it.

Man, I wish my pants fit right now. I'm trying to tell myself that making my jeans tight just made them into compression stockings... right? *sigh* I need a button that let's me zip my mouth shut. I still haven't hopped back onto the healthy eating train either. I was going to, I totally was going to! And then I tried to give up coffee, my son blew out his knee trying yoga with me, and... cookie.

The other painting prompt was "Ribbon":

Red Ribbon, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

Earlier, I got this one done for a deadline that I actually missed... but I liked him so much I had to finish him anyway. He's my "Twitterphant"!

"Twitterphant" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

And then lastly, working with Thrice Fiction, I was given a story by someone I think Christmas doesn't bring good feelings for (that's putting it mildly.) I'm a holiday freak, as I'm sure you all know, so this was actually a challenge. I read the story to my kids and we came up with a zombie hand, but festive-style!

Zombie Christmas Tree, 5x7, Acrylic... my son is thinking of keeping it

I have to say I LOVE painting twinkle lights. There's something about being able to use paint to make you think something is glowing in real life. It's funny, because it's just paint... but your brain says "those are lights, and they are on" - I've never been able to paint a candle with the same effect, but I have seen it in some paintings and always marveled over it. I CAN pull it off with twinkle lights, though! HA! (Mental note: practice painting more candles this year.)

I'm kicking myself for missing the holiday season and having a reason to paint twinkle lights. Maybe Christmas 2019 will let me go wild with the lights in all the paintings! Here's hoping I get a chance to actually get a shot at that!

As always, I put together my painting quilt. This is EVERY single painting of 2019. I wish I had done more, but the ones I did, not so bad! My color choices continued to shift to more earthy (natural) tones, and I'm really enjoying that.

I have goals for 2019... not the least of which is to fit into my clothing again. I know, I know... no cookie. Sigh. 

I plan on painting. As always, that is my goal. My hope is to rebuild and bulk up my portfolio and start laying down artistic roots once again now that I am back in Vermont and it really feels like home. This year has the potential to yield big and wonderful things, and I truly hope that is what is actually in store for me.

I really hope you all had a decent 2018, but if not, at least it's over. I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone!

New Directions

It's Tuesday and my youngest (17 yrs) is off taking his first of two finals in high school, so by the end of Thursday I will have a high school senior on my hands (which I am extremely grateful for, because it's been a very difficult year)! One more year and then he'll hopefully be off to college (wants to be a programmer) and I'll be an Empty Nester!

An Empty Nester at 44 (I'm 43 now), and yet I saw on the news that more and more women are choosing to have babies in their 50's. I cannot even imagine doing that, I'm so exhausted now as it is. I remember existing in a fog in my 20's because of baby-duty, but at least I had the energy of being young. I didn't think I actually had energy at the time, but looking back now I can see that I did. Sort of like a zombie shuffling forward on autopilot. (I think if I had kids now, my autopilot would just give up.)

My eldest turned 20 years old this past weekend. She finished up her second year at university in May, and then decided that's enough for now and that her path lies in another direction. For me, this was a bit hard to wrap my brain around. Isn't it funny how you want to give your kids what you didn't have and if it turns out it's not for them it can really set you back several paces? But the truth that every parent has to grasp is that they are not you and they have their own path to follow... you just hope it doesn't end up with them living in your basement until they're 40 (because apparently that is a thing now, too!)

My own direction is shifting quickly. I still cannot share everything, but I'm hoping it'll be very positive for everyone - albeit stressful! My hope is that I can  start to really do some productive things in my studio. I feel left behind because I have been meaning to get a Patreon going for over two years now, among other things, but life has gotten in the way.

However, there have been some positive signs - glimmers of hope - that lead me to believe I can start investing in myself again, and my work. That being said, I have two new series that I have started. One is going to be all larger paintings (16x20" and up... I have some really big canvases, so who knows where this will end up) and the other will be smaller paintings (8x10" and under.) They are unrelated series, but both make my soul sing just enough to know THIS is what I want to be doing right now and I want to be in my studio all the time again.

The big series is in planning stages still. I have the first painting planned out, but not sketched out. I'm excited to work on it, but I have other commissions, shows and various deadlines to meet before I can start in on it. I'm looking forward to sharing it, though!

The smaller painting series is much easier for me to dive into in between projects, and here is the first:

"The Time Keeper" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. Available.

The series is "My Favorite Things", and each painting will be 8x10 and smaller, with a subject posing with its most favorite thing! I painted this Great Grey Owl, and my son informed me that this one's favorite thing was most definitely a pocket watch! Once he said it, I knew my son was absolutely spot-on! I've called this painting "The Time Keeper", and he's in a special section of my shop just for this series.

I thought about holding the paintings back and doing a show, but there are reasons why I can't do that right now... that I'll share later. But perhaps the larger series will be one I can do a full physical show with!

My goal is going to be to hopefully paint one of these Favorite Things pieces a week, whenever possible. I'm not sure how many paintings my series will encompass, but I think I'll know when I'm done. As I am just starting, I believe I have a long way in front of me! If you have any particular animal you'd like to see, let me know! I love getting ideas, but I have no idea what their favorite thing will be until I've painted them in... they're all so individual! For example, I've painted multiple raccoons (and I will do at least one for this series) and I have to say I don't think a single one of them would have the same favorite thing.

It's so nice to find the joy in my studio again!

...Off to paint!

In The Quiet

It's the end of May, and I fear I have little to show for 2018 in my studio thus far, but I have recently begun painting again and have a few pieces to show. The one I like the best, I just finished last week and it's off to La Bodega gallery in CA for a "Spirit Animal" show in early June:

"Rae" 8x10, Acrylic on Canvas Panel

It's funny, really, because I felt I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I also felt that even if I did, it wasn't going to be very good. In the middle, it felt like nothing was coming together, and then... it just did. I actually LOVE this painting. Love it!

What tripped me up, as it did with the little nudes earlier this year, is that I put in a colorful background and it was just wrong - WRONG! I had to use Payne's Grey and Unbleached Titanium to flip it to more neutral/earthy tones, and then I was able to move forward. It seems my personal art evolution is leading me to a more grounded background/subject, but with color pops in other areas, whereas before it was color all over the place.

It's not a conscious thing, rather more like a personal subconscious drive and new preference that brings me here. Even without actively painting like I wish I had been able to, I have evolved. Art is so much more than what we put down on canvas/paper, so much exists on the inside, but it's hard to explain that to someone if they haven't experienced it (and it sounds fruit-loopy, too. For an analytical sort like me, that's a bit annoying. I hate when I sound fruity!)

I also learned that I have to paint the eyes in a painting as soon as I can, so I can connect with it. Otherwise, I feel like I am fumbling in the dark. It's strange, kind of a mind game I suppose, but it's these landmarks and preferences that help me go in the right direction with my painting rather than fighting it (in other words, I need to get out of my own way and do the things that help me paint, and I should know better than to try to do it differently.)

Here are the only others I have managed (and most of them are recent, it's been a long slog in real life which led to no time in studio-life):

Parrot study, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel Available

Raccoon, 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (sold)

"Party Crashers" 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, framed, available (on show currently at Thumbprint Gallery, CA)

Now, about the quiet. I've been silent, and it's because my life blew up again as I stated in my last post. Not me, personally, but people more dear to me than any other on this earth. Life or death, without exaggeration.

I wish I could explain what is going on, but due to our society's pattern of shaming, stigmatizing, harming, and subsequently silencing... I can't. In order to protect, I cannot share, and that leaves me all alone. I have written, and deleted what it has been like. I have written, and deleted what I have felt and feared. It's not my tale to tell, not really.

And if one more person tells me to "paint the feelings" as a way to manage the stress of it all, I may give them a black eye. Or two. Perhaps the issue lies in the fact that it is not my angst that I would paint, but the suffering of another experienced from the outside - and that is what silences me more than anything else in the studio. Art is a place of joy for me, and when there is no joy I cannot create art. Art does not come from active fear, for me. Maybe painters of old were able to lock themselves away and explore their angst in paint, but in my dynamic circumstances I have neither the desire, irresponsible nature, nor the ability to shut everything else out and "just paint."

So, instead there has simply been quiet. I watched my paint dry up on my pallets. Heck, MOLD grew on one (the ever-wet pallet? Yeah, distilled water didn't stop that from happening. So, there's one marketing claim debunked.) Dust gathered on my easels. I missed deadlines and commitments, and I was embarrassed. I began to wonder if I even could paint anymore.

A little bit of hope worked its way in with some changes (that I yet again cannot mention), and as soon as the glimmer was there, I was able to at least go sit in my studio for a few minutes here and there. I've held onto that little light, and I'm working on making it grow. That nurturing of hope is what yielded these few paintings. I have more in progress now.

My Owl painting, Rae, is what really made me feel better. That made me think that maybe I haven't forgotten everything, or maybe I actually have something of worth as an artist still... You start to doubt everything, especially when you aren't painting and you see all your peers posting more and more work while you post nothing. You are effectively left behind, even if that's not true - art does not leave people behind. (But sometimes, oftentimes, it feels that way.)

I am currently in the midst of trying to cling to the glimmers of hope, trying to be more than barely existing, and some big changes coming soon (that I will be able to talk about, but not quite yet.) I am in my studio now, and I will be painting in a few minutes. Little paintings right now, because I can finish them and give myself a small sense of accomplishment. I need that right now. I feel like it's the starting walk, that leads to a slow jog, then a fast one, and then a run in my studio. I want to run again!

So that's where I have been. That is the quiet I am living in. I have probably said more than I should have in this post, and yet left it vague enough to be irritating (sorry about both.) I hope to have a lot more positive things to share in the future!

A Hard Road

Time seems to move fast and slow at the same time for me. Do you ever feel that way?

As I said before, life has gotten hard again. I wish I could share more, but owing to privacy issues and our judgmental society, I can't. I can say that I am back to being a full-time caretaker in a scary situation, and it's taking its toll on me... and possibly my hair (I've lost about half of my volume of hair over the last year and it hasn't come back. I hope it will, I miss it and my husband has even notices, which freaks me out even more.)

All that being said, I am trying really hard to paint. Art is who I am, and I lose something vital when I don't work. I don't have a lot to show for myself for these past weeks, but I have the following to share:

Nude 1, 5x7 acrylic on canvas panel

Nude 2, 5x7 acrylic on canvas panel

These two nude studies are 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel. I did them because I really want to start improving my figure painting, AND I wanted to try to work with a local gallery here who I like. They had an open call for artists to submit nude works, and I managed to finish these two right on the deadline and submit them.

I don't know when I'll hear back, but hopefully they'll accept them. If not, they'll be available in my shop! The back-facing one was easy! It just flowed. I felt good about it and it went great, especially for acrylic when I prefer oils for people. The second one... what a headache! It got bad enough that I had to ditch the reference photo and just make it up as I went along. It turned out ok once I did that, but it looks less like a real person and more like I made it up... which I did.

I have figured out that while I respect people who can paint with hyper-realism, I don't want to paint that way... but I want to paint in a painterly realistic way, if that makes sense. The top one isn't bad for that goal, as a starting point. The second one, not so much. I suppose it's all a journey figuring my art-self out as I go!

This next piece, well I'm technically not supposed to post it until the 15th, but I wanted to share it (because it'll likely be a while before I blog again, given my history!):

Three-Eyed Fox (I can't figure out a good name yet) 8x10, acrylic on canvas panel, available on auction on facebook, https://www.facebook.com/StrangeDreamsSurrealArtCollective/

The theme is "Mystic Animals" and this was what I came up with. I had a lot of thoughts, but weirdly when it came time to sit down and do something I kinda hit a blank until a three-eyed fox. I know I'll have a million ideas later and kick myself for it, but hey, at least I made this deadline too!

I'm going to be 43 in about two weeks. I feel 16 and 80 at the same time right now. I tweak my knee by getting ready to stand up - not actually STANDING up, but just tensing to get ready to stand. Who does that?! Yet, if I buy something like a bottle of wine (which is rare, I don't really drink) I feel like I'm going to get busted like some sort of teenager. I'm in a weird place, yup.

I'm working on trying to take care of myself in between everything going on. Trying to get in workouts, trying to cut back on the chocolate (ha, yeah... there's a losing battle right there), and trying to get sleep and find time to just breath. I really wonder if moving to NC was a good choice. I was so frustrated with VT on many levels, but the main reason we moved here was because college is so unaffordable up there. One year up there at a main university is the cost of a whole bachelor's degree at a main/state university in NC. That's insane, not to mention the job market is dead for new adults as my children would be.

I'm hoping that getting more involved with the art scene here will help. I've submitted to that local gallery, and I also plan on attending some artist gatherings when they start back up in a few weeks... as much as I am a hermit, keeping myself apart isn't helping me settle in. I'm trying, though.

About comments on my post, I can't seem to comment back to folks, so I want you to know I REALLY appreciate your comments, and I'm sorry I haven't figured out how to easily respond!

And... now I'm off to paint for another gallery deadline that I haven't started! EEK!

Monkey Business

I haven't accomplished too much in my studio, yet again. I do have this lemur to share:

4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas, Available

He is only 4x6 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (he's available.) I actually want to do another one. I didn't know how he was going to turn out, and at one point I thought I might have to scrap it.

That's part of the problem I have been having. It's almost like I feel like I forget how to paint on some days. Have you ever felt that? It's so weird! I'm wondering if perhaps I am feeling it because I keep painting things I haven't ever painted before... like a lemur. Really, I haven't painted a lot of animals in general, so I'm figuring out a lot of fur techniques as I go. In truth though, I think I just blindly figure my way through each painting. Eventually it does get there! Well, usually.

I'm still doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my art. I know that I want it to be more than small $50 paintings being completed over and over. I want to "paint big" (as in speak loudly.) I also know I want to include human subjects, and I have a LONG way to go to reach the skill level I want to have to be comfortable in my art.

The only way to get there is to start doing it, repeatedly, and consistently. So, that's my goal - to be trite - Just DO it (already!) I can plan and wish all I want, but if I want to get better I need to make the effort and suck it up when it feels crappy. And it will.

Jumping the gun a little bit, I am going to do a nude study for (hopefully) a submission to a local gallery I would like to get involved with. That's coming up fast, so I hope to start that in the next day or two.

Life-wise, things are getting tough again. I wish I could say more, but in short I knew this was coming and it's just very unsettling. Unsettling I can handle, my real fear is it getting scary and life-and-death as it was last year. It's entirely possible. I'm just trying to keep a positive outlook and eyes on the goal of life getting better eventually.

I hope you are all well! I read all your comments on my posts, and I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier!

Starting Mark

I have finished my first piece for 2018! I started this in the winter of 2017, but then it sat dormant as my life got crazy. I picked it back up, and finally finished it:

"Small Talk" 9x12, acrylic on canvas panel, available

This is 9x12 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (with iridescent acrylics used on the moon, because SHINY!)

I have another sister polar bear piece that has the same backstory of being started and not finished that I am layering oils on and finishing it that way. I am going to compare the two and see which I like better.

I thought for a long time that I was going to dump acrylics altogether and just switch to oils because it's my preferred medium. With life being out of control in 2017, I realized I just didn't have time for oils. Not really. I didn't have time for much, so I started trying to do daily paintings. Since they had to be finished quickly, that meant I wouldn't be able to walk away for a few days while layers dried, so out came my acrylics.

Here are a few of my favorites I completed at the end of 2017, they're all little ones 4x6 inches:

Apple House, 4x6 acrylic on loose canvas, available

Cardinal, 4x6 acrylic on loose canvas, sold

Fox, acrylic on loose canvas, sold

Owl, 4x6 acrylic on loose canvas, sold

Vision (owl) 4x6, acrylic on loose canvas, sold

Raven, 4x6 acrylic on loose canvas, available

I enjoyed my dailies so much, that I realized it was a good thing for me to keep doing because it motivated me, and it is the first step in improving my skills like I want to. So, I invested in some acrylics that promised to be a little more like oils. I bought Charvin acrylics, and I have to say they are buttery and a bit more like oils in the blending which is nice, but I'm still on a learning curve with their drying process (it's a bit different than the cheaper Soho brand I had been using), and they still dry flat like all acrylics do (varnish helps this a bit, but you have to be able to see beyond and hope it causes that depth!)

I also decided my dailies are going to be on canvas panels instead of loose canvas going forward (for the most part) and that I will save the loose canvas for fast studies or trying stuff out. It's nice that you can frame loose canvas like a photo, but I think buyers would rather have a hard panel.

I finished out the year with some reindeer, because I was in a festive mood (and I have two more sketched out that I need to paint... although it feels a bit odd after the season has passed!):

Reindeer 2, 5x7 acrylic on canvas panel, sold

Reindeer 1, acrylic on 5x7 panel, sold

That's probably enough pictures for today!

I'm just happy to share my first finished painting, and I hope to be sharing a lot more going forward! Part of that is my own participation on this blog, so I'm going to do better with that.

I think... I'm going to go paint a turtle. It was my intended new years painting, to be the last for 2017, but showing up a little late isn't so bad, I suppose!

Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Progress

Well, it's February. It's going to be about 75 degrees today, and I plan on opening the windows. Were this the weather in April, this would be excellent. But it's February. I want snow! On Friday it's supposed to be in the 40's. I'm going to shut all the blinds, pretend it's snowing outside, and bake cookies.

Speaking of cookies, or not eating them, I'm down 10 lbs since January 1st. Granted, some of that is water weight, but a chunk of that *IS* real weight loss! So, yay!

With that loss, I'm about 18 lbs from not being overweight by the BMI charts for my height, and another 10lbs beyond that from my final goal weight. Well, final as long as I get there and feel decent. But I'll decide once I am there. When I was younger and at that weight, I felt good and people actually called me thin. But your body changes when you're older so... we will see. I will say the bonus to being tall is gaining 10 lbs and there being very little difference in appearance or the way your clothes fit. The downside to being tall is that you work hard to lose 10 lbs and there's NO freaking difference!!! Good for holidays, bad for the ego I guess. *pout*

Anyway, my goal is to lose 6 lbs a month, and by summer I'll be at goal. I may not quite be able to pull that off for February given my stupidity with the super bowl party we had, and my birthday at the end of the month, but we shall see what I can pull off! I really want this weight off.

In other progress news, I have started daily exercise paintings for days I am in my studio (preferably five times a week.) I get roughly 20 minutes for the painting, and then I need to walk away. It's all about laying down values, and seeing what it is you're painting. I've been allowing myself some leeway, up to 30 minutes, because sometimes it just isn't even close to ok. I think it's working though. It's teaching me to lay down basic values without obsessing over details, and learning how to walk away.

The walking away part is what kills me. It's not right! I must fix it! GAH! But I'm doing it. What's more is that I'm listing the paintings for cheap ($20) and most of them are being snapped up right away. It pays for my practice session supplies, the canvas and the paint, so I literally have nothing to lose. No excuse not to get busy and start working.

So, I started with landscapes last year with this exercise, and then dropped it. Now that I have picked it up, I'm doing beta fish this week. I'm getting a little bored of them, but it's only one week. All paintings are 4x6 inches on loose canvas, and so far all oil. Here's how it's gone so far this week (I started a day early):

Beta Fish #1, I like his face the best

Beta Fish #2, Whites were hard on this one. I feel like I learned a bit, but struggled far too much. A big part of this is because the canvases on this and the last started as white.

Beta Fish #3. Now, this time I got smarter and gessoed the canvas black FIRST. SOOOOO much better, and I almost hit the time for 20 minutes, until I realized I hadn't painted in the black and that looked odd to me. I actually made a time lapse video, so you can see where I changed my mind.

I can't figure out how to post the video here, so I'll link directly to it on my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQOM3aEgb7j/?taken-by=kyraart You will be able to see it whether you have an account or not, and it's only about 30 seconds long.

I have figured out I am in love with black gesso. I think it's just more me. I like working from a darker ground. Although, I have some other things I'm going to be practicing with (not for these, more involved) and they have various toned grounds. Maybe I'll fall in love with another color too. I just feel like white doesn't work as well for me anymore.

Anyway, these practice paintings do loosen me up and get me ready to face more in the studio. I'm hoping it'll yield other results as I carry on with it. I'm thinking about doing desserts next week (hey, they're calorie-free when they're just paintings!)

I have finished a few small paintings too, but I'll post those next time!

Matters of the Body

Today I bit the bullet and scheduled all the doctor exams I needed to. Apparently, from moving, all my appointments are condensed into one area of time. I used to have things spread out... eyes in May, girlie doctor in March, etc. Now? It's all at once! It's like a giant influx in my mailbox screaming "You're getting OLD! It's time to feel bad about yourself! Come on down, schedule an appointment!"

Ugh.

On the other hand, I'm kind of looking forward to my eye appointment. I used to have amazing eyesight. I mean, fighter pilot AMAZING type eyesight. Now? I have no idea where it went, but it's totally not fair. I'm having to hold books farther and farther away. The magnifying glasses I got for close-up work have become my go-to, even though they're stronger than what I need, because I need something.

I had an appointment last February, but they did a poor job of helping me. As my eyes have gotten worse over the last six months I've just been counting the days until I could get someone to help me (my eyes aren't equal, so those store reading glasses give me a headache.) I have a new office picked out and scheduled. YAY! There's nothing quite like being in a poor situation to make you look forward to a doctor's visit you would otherwise dread.

I hate to think what would have to happen to make me look forward to the gynecologist. Maybe I'll just embrace my dread of that and be grateful. This is, of course, hard to do. It's bad enough in a doctor's office when they weigh you, but getting to be naked too? Yeah. Joy.

Speaking of body, it seems like any complaint you could possibly have (minus maybe eye sight) it always goes back to "Well, lose weight." I have this list of things that I'm going to push on once I get the rest of the weight off and say "See, I did. Now this is still a mess, what can we do?" I mean, how many things are supposed to hurt, what's normal for being in your 40's anyway?

I need a manual. They should have a manual like they do for kids. The pediatrician used to hand you a sheet that said "Your child: 18-24 months" and it had all sorts of data, what's normal, what's not, etc. Why did they stop that? I need one.

In other news, I finished my first piece for 2017. I have a lot in progress, but this sucker is actually done:

"In The Pink" 8x10, oil on stretched canvas (available)

I had to do a piece "inspired by a song" for a group auction. I had a whole other piece in the works, but I was forcing it. Then, the son "Dear Jessie" by Madonna just popped into my head (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EGYmN-1UQzI) I knew I had to switch tracks, because I felt a lot more inspired about pink elephants than I did about my other piece.

So, I worked furiously on this one, and got it turned around quickly. Lots of work, for what seems like a simply piece. But, you know... pink elephants. Totally worth it.

Hope you are all having a good week! Is it Wednesday? Wow, already?!

Back to the Art-side

A long absence has certainly given me a lot to share, both personally and art-wise! I'm going to go a bit lighter today.

As it's December, I thought I would share my official 2016 Holiday painting (this is a different painting that I create each year with the intent to release as a holiday card for myself and others to order, etc.) I got my neighbor's daughter to be my model, and I actually think it turned out rather well:

"Sequor" (original is sold, prints and LE canvas prints available)
11x14 Oil on Canvas Panel

I was happy I completed this painting this year, as I sort of failed that goal last year what with only moving into the house in October and not being settled at all. This year, my studio is set-up very nicely. In fact, I recently was able to attend Art of the Carolinas for the first time ever! I didn't participate in any workshops, but the art supply trade show is a DREAM.

I was able to get my hands on all sorts of things at a huge discount. One of the people there told me that many artists save up all year and then do all their buying at the show. I can see why, and I'll likely start doing that myself. 

I was able to purchase HUGE canvas panels for the first time ever. I always had to order stuff in Vermont and the shipping was often the same or more than the panel, and the panel was pricey too so I never went for a big one! At the show I was able to get canvases over 60 inches for less than $60. If you know your canvas, you know that's a big savings! I was giddy at the trade show! I even got a new easel. It's an art supply wonderland for me!

My poor husband endured it pretty well. I figure it's payback for all that time spent in fishing stores, or in the home improvement stores when he's "just browsing" and I get to the point where I'm eyeing the stacks of plywood and thinking "I could nap on that, right? No one would notice..."

I was also able to paw through wood panels. I have started painting on these now and again. I'm kind of on the fence with them. The ones I had were plate-smooth and this actually made it hard to paint on. I felt like the paint was slipping off, and this surprised me because I often feel like I'm fighting the tooth of normal canvases. Still, I got this one to turn out when others had failed me (or I failed them):

"Sunset" 5x7x1" oil on cradled wooden panel, available

I found some gessoed panels at the show that actually had some texture to them, and I'm going to try them and see how they work. I like the idea of painting on wood, but I have a lot of canvas to use up if that's the way I go. I also, a few months ago, found gesso (Prima) that reduces the tooth without sanding and this was a huge find for me.

Let's see. More art that has happened, and has started me really thinking about my studio and my direction:

I painted "Dawn" on a black ground, and this was a new experience for me. One that I really liked, and intend to explore more. It took me longer than necessary because I was new to it, but here is a time-lapse I shot on my phone of the painting:

This is one of the paintings that has got me thinking about my studio and "voice" which I'll touch on in another post. Until then, here is more art from this year that I haven't shared:

I just finished "Ringmaster" on 12/1. I had to turn him around in about 24 hours. I'm pleased with how he turned out! He's another little one: 5x7" oil on canvas panel.

Envy, oil on 6x6 canvas panel (available)

I have been playing with abstracts again:

"Stardust" is a large piece at 24x36x1.5, acrylic/silver leafing/gems on stretched canvas (available)

"Lark" is 9x12, acrylic/gold leafing on stretched canvas (framed, 14x17, available)

Didn't name this one, but same dimensions and info except I used silver leafing (sold)

I've completed other paintings, but that's probably enough for now. And honestly, I haven't been creating a lot this year. I know I originally had this huge plan, but I will say that I failed that. I've been thinking a lot about why, but that is for yet another day!