Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Awww, Come ON!

I have a cold.

Actually, to be more precise, I have my husband's cold. I had it settling in yesterday morning, and it was coming on strong last night. I didn't sleep well, because I had horrible nightmares, like my in-laws suddenly moved in with us and the only thing coming out the taps was mud, that I somehow caused by using those toilet-drop-in tablets. (Yeah, I dunno what's wrong with me either.)

The one upside to nightmares is that you are so relieved that it wasn't real, you can pretty much face anything else that's coming that day! And what was coming was... *gasp* a mammogram.

OK, I just cannot get over that word. I feel like it should be a ripped guy in very little clothing, cowboy hat, with balloons, showing up to sing something. They need a new word, because in my head it always looks like "Ma'am *wink* o-gram" and then I start giggling like a 12-year-old. Because I'm mature like that.

Speaking of maturity, I think they should have wine at mammogram places. It would really liven things up! I walked in to the windowless waiting room of gonna-get-squished doom, and they basically had an assembly line going of women who were all miserable to be there, and avoiding eye contact. That's no fun at all. I mean, we already know what's coming and there's no way to make that part fun, so why not liven up the waiting room?

Anyway, I survived. I feel like I chest-planted into cinder blocks, but I survived. WHILE I have a cold, mind you.

I bring this up, because my husband came down with this cold on Sunday and proceeded to basically... well, act like he's dying. He got the dreaded MAN-cold. I think I read somewhere that the man-cold is a real phenomenon and that they get sicker or feel worse than women do. I dunno. I kinda want to dispute that, but ok. Whatever.

The real kicker isn't that anyway, it's that apparently with this cold comes a whole bunch of water weight. It BETTER be water weight. Unless I'm sleep-donut-eating, it can't be real (and we don't have any donuts anyway... wait, maybe that's WHY we don't have any?!) But it's demoralizing just the same. Stupid scale. Stupid cold.

Ok, there's a slight chance I'm a wee bit grumpy. A small possibility.

On to brighter news! Yesterday, I didn't feel up to my daily painting, but I did do this one today:

4x6 oil on loose canvas. I decided to focus more on his face, so there was a focal point. I really think it makes a big difference in the painting.

I also managed to finish this little 5x7:

5x7 inches, oil on cradled wood panel. 

That one had been kicking around for a while, so it was good to get it done. I also finally photographed these three ultra-mini paintings:

2x2 inch, oil on stretched canvas

2x2 inch, oil on stretched canvas

2x4 inch, oil on stretched canvas

It's kind of nice to get a few done, and then processed (have to take pictures, post them for sale in my shop, etc. It's more work than you would think!) Now I have deadlines to focus on, and stop procrastinating by doing other work... is it procrastinating if you're still working? Seems like a gray area to me. Just sayin'.

*sneeze*

Progress

Well, it's February. It's going to be about 75 degrees today, and I plan on opening the windows. Were this the weather in April, this would be excellent. But it's February. I want snow! On Friday it's supposed to be in the 40's. I'm going to shut all the blinds, pretend it's snowing outside, and bake cookies.

Speaking of cookies, or not eating them, I'm down 10 lbs since January 1st. Granted, some of that is water weight, but a chunk of that *IS* real weight loss! So, yay!

With that loss, I'm about 18 lbs from not being overweight by the BMI charts for my height, and another 10lbs beyond that from my final goal weight. Well, final as long as I get there and feel decent. But I'll decide once I am there. When I was younger and at that weight, I felt good and people actually called me thin. But your body changes when you're older so... we will see. I will say the bonus to being tall is gaining 10 lbs and there being very little difference in appearance or the way your clothes fit. The downside to being tall is that you work hard to lose 10 lbs and there's NO freaking difference!!! Good for holidays, bad for the ego I guess. *pout*

Anyway, my goal is to lose 6 lbs a month, and by summer I'll be at goal. I may not quite be able to pull that off for February given my stupidity with the super bowl party we had, and my birthday at the end of the month, but we shall see what I can pull off! I really want this weight off.

In other progress news, I have started daily exercise paintings for days I am in my studio (preferably five times a week.) I get roughly 20 minutes for the painting, and then I need to walk away. It's all about laying down values, and seeing what it is you're painting. I've been allowing myself some leeway, up to 30 minutes, because sometimes it just isn't even close to ok. I think it's working though. It's teaching me to lay down basic values without obsessing over details, and learning how to walk away.

The walking away part is what kills me. It's not right! I must fix it! GAH! But I'm doing it. What's more is that I'm listing the paintings for cheap ($20) and most of them are being snapped up right away. It pays for my practice session supplies, the canvas and the paint, so I literally have nothing to lose. No excuse not to get busy and start working.

So, I started with landscapes last year with this exercise, and then dropped it. Now that I have picked it up, I'm doing beta fish this week. I'm getting a little bored of them, but it's only one week. All paintings are 4x6 inches on loose canvas, and so far all oil. Here's how it's gone so far this week (I started a day early):

Beta Fish #1, I like his face the best

Beta Fish #2, Whites were hard on this one. I feel like I learned a bit, but struggled far too much. A big part of this is because the canvases on this and the last started as white.

Beta Fish #3. Now, this time I got smarter and gessoed the canvas black FIRST. SOOOOO much better, and I almost hit the time for 20 minutes, until I realized I hadn't painted in the black and that looked odd to me. I actually made a time lapse video, so you can see where I changed my mind.

I can't figure out how to post the video here, so I'll link directly to it on my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQOM3aEgb7j/?taken-by=kyraart You will be able to see it whether you have an account or not, and it's only about 30 seconds long.

I have figured out I am in love with black gesso. I think it's just more me. I like working from a darker ground. Although, I have some other things I'm going to be practicing with (not for these, more involved) and they have various toned grounds. Maybe I'll fall in love with another color too. I just feel like white doesn't work as well for me anymore.

Anyway, these practice paintings do loosen me up and get me ready to face more in the studio. I'm hoping it'll yield other results as I carry on with it. I'm thinking about doing desserts next week (hey, they're calorie-free when they're just paintings!)

I have finished a few small paintings too, but I'll post those next time!

Come on 2017! (Part Two: Goals)

Yesterday, I established that for me 2016 was a bad year. I also said that I am working on goals for myself. Not resolutions, but goals that can be hammered at with various levels of success without giving up. Part of establishing goals is taking a look at the state of each thing currently. For me, I can only set goals on tangible things, things that I actually wield some control and influence over.

Of course, I'd love to just say "I'll be happier!" in 2017, but that doesn't mean anything. How will I be happier? What makes me happy? What if what makes me happy is completely beyond my control?

The truth is that all goals are in the pursuit of happiness. They fulfill different needs within us that lead to contentment and happiness if we achieve them. They also offer lifelines to us when things start going wrong. Essentially, goals are about making ourselves stronger and able to withstand what life would throw our way, which makes us able to enjoy those moments when happiness is a real thing.

So, with all that in mind, here are my goals for 2017 with ideas on how to achieve them (and they're all important, so order doesn't matter here):

Health

My health deteriorated in 2016. I gained weight, exercised less than I have in 15 years, and I have physical pain and more (some linked to this asinine behavior of mine, and others just a nifty nasty new present the universe decided to lob at my head.) I cannot live like this. I do not want to live like this.

My goals include getting back to the original program that worked for me so many years ago (that I stayed on for a few years, and maintained with.) This should result in significant weight loss, but my real goal is now health (and less pain.) This goal includes my husband, because we're in our mid-40's now and I worry about heart attacks and the like, especially in his case.

I feel like I am starting from square one again, something I haven't felt in about 15 years, and it's depressing. But it's important to remember that just because you are starting again, it doesn't mean you'll stay at the beginning. Eventually, you can accomplish so much and not feel so bad about where you are at anymore. This starting point will be that distant memory soon enough.

Art/Career

Every year, I do an art quilt. This has all the work I did for the year in it, and this is 2016:

What I see here is 99% of the work I completed in 2016, and how little I actually created. Depression hit me hard, and while I mostly made it out of bed, I didn't make it into the studio. My heart wasn't in it, or much of anything. I do see some growth, a gradual switch back to oils (finally!) and a few other things... but mostly, I see that I am lost.

I work in separate genres (surreal and fantasy, and dabble with abstracts still), and while I have been this way for a long time, I have lost my "voice" in all of those over the past few years. I'm not sure why that happened. Maybe it's a natural consequence of growth, and it's normal and you just have to find it again. I certainly hope so.

I had so many goals at the end of 2015, because I thought that is what I needed to focus on in my career. The problem with losing your artistic voice and vision is that more production when you are uninspired and lost isn't possible or reasonable. You think it's the answer because it means money, and you think you'll figure it out while you sell what you create in the meantime. It's the wrong focus.

2017 is going to be different. In some ways, I realize I have lost certain skills, or simply don't have what I need yet. 2017 is going to be about pulling back. I'm going to sort of cocoon myself in my studio and LEARN. I want and need to learn several new techniques. I need to paint, without the intent to sell, without that pressure, so that I can give myself the room to grow again.

Will I continue to sell? Oh, sure, I have a thriving business and that will continue... but sort of on the back burner. It's not my focus for 2017, and I'm lucky enough to be able to take the space to try and improve myself as an artist. I have a long way to go, but to me, this is worth more than selling a painting ever again.

And there you have it, my goals! I thought there would be more, but I think it is best if I stick close to home, simple, and quiet with them.

I have personal goals, but they're kind of vague. I also suspect a lot of my personal goals and feeling better in general will be directly linked to achieving my health and art goals. Mind, body, and spirit. I sincerely want my spirit to stop feeling so wounded. I feel... like I'm bleeding, all the time, everywhere. I don't believe this is linked to just one thing, and I certainly cannot share publicly the deeper thoughts and issues I struggle with, because let's face it, the Internet hordes would crucify me. You cannot be totally human any more, not in person, and certainly not online.

So, I'll simply say that I hope for better. For health, and peace, and balance that 2016 lacked so significantly for me. I cannot control the world, what 2017 will pelt us all with from the outside. I CAN control what happens within my bubble and focus on being a better me.

I expect that I will be doing a lot more blogging about my progress on these goals, because it will be moving in the right direction and I think I would like to share that.

Do you have goals for 2017? Are you ready?