Hello 2019!

I have to admit that I sat down to write out a post several times over the past months, and I just couldn't do it. I think part of the reason behind that was that every time I posted, something else would go wildly wrong, and it all just became too overwhelming.

I think a lot of people had a rough, or even awful 2018. I didn't see any posts on social media expressing how much they didn't want to see 2018 go, and rather it was a lot more "don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2018!"

As always, I use the end of the year to review. Some years, I feel pretty good about my year even with the knocks. This year, like so many other people, I was just over it.

At the tail end of the year, I tried to knock out some challenge paintings... that I then went and got too complicated with and only managed two of the 12 I should have done. One is a raccoon, and even though the prompt was "cookie", I'm pretty sure I channeled my own issues which led to me gaining 15 lbs since I moved back to Vermont...

"MY Cookie" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (available)

Do you see it? I totally see it.

Man, I wish my pants fit right now. I'm trying to tell myself that making my jeans tight just made them into compression stockings... right? *sigh* I need a button that let's me zip my mouth shut. I still haven't hopped back onto the healthy eating train either. I was going to, I totally was going to! And then I tried to give up coffee, my son blew out his knee trying yoga with me, and... cookie.

The other painting prompt was "Ribbon":

Red Ribbon, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

Earlier, I got this one done for a deadline that I actually missed... but I liked him so much I had to finish him anyway. He's my "Twitterphant"!

"Twitterphant" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

And then lastly, working with Thrice Fiction, I was given a story by someone I think Christmas doesn't bring good feelings for (that's putting it mildly.) I'm a holiday freak, as I'm sure you all know, so this was actually a challenge. I read the story to my kids and we came up with a zombie hand, but festive-style!

Zombie Christmas Tree, 5x7, Acrylic... my son is thinking of keeping it

I have to say I LOVE painting twinkle lights. There's something about being able to use paint to make you think something is glowing in real life. It's funny, because it's just paint... but your brain says "those are lights, and they are on" - I've never been able to paint a candle with the same effect, but I have seen it in some paintings and always marveled over it. I CAN pull it off with twinkle lights, though! HA! (Mental note: practice painting more candles this year.)

I'm kicking myself for missing the holiday season and having a reason to paint twinkle lights. Maybe Christmas 2019 will let me go wild with the lights in all the paintings! Here's hoping I get a chance to actually get a shot at that!

As always, I put together my painting quilt. This is EVERY single painting of 2019. I wish I had done more, but the ones I did, not so bad! My color choices continued to shift to more earthy (natural) tones, and I'm really enjoying that.

I have goals for 2019... not the least of which is to fit into my clothing again. I know, I know... no cookie. Sigh. 

I plan on painting. As always, that is my goal. My hope is to rebuild and bulk up my portfolio and start laying down artistic roots once again now that I am back in Vermont and it really feels like home. This year has the potential to yield big and wonderful things, and I truly hope that is what is actually in store for me.

I really hope you all had a decent 2018, but if not, at least it's over. I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone!

Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Come on 2017! (Part Two: Goals)

Yesterday, I established that for me 2016 was a bad year. I also said that I am working on goals for myself. Not resolutions, but goals that can be hammered at with various levels of success without giving up. Part of establishing goals is taking a look at the state of each thing currently. For me, I can only set goals on tangible things, things that I actually wield some control and influence over.

Of course, I'd love to just say "I'll be happier!" in 2017, but that doesn't mean anything. How will I be happier? What makes me happy? What if what makes me happy is completely beyond my control?

The truth is that all goals are in the pursuit of happiness. They fulfill different needs within us that lead to contentment and happiness if we achieve them. They also offer lifelines to us when things start going wrong. Essentially, goals are about making ourselves stronger and able to withstand what life would throw our way, which makes us able to enjoy those moments when happiness is a real thing.

So, with all that in mind, here are my goals for 2017 with ideas on how to achieve them (and they're all important, so order doesn't matter here):

Health

My health deteriorated in 2016. I gained weight, exercised less than I have in 15 years, and I have physical pain and more (some linked to this asinine behavior of mine, and others just a nifty nasty new present the universe decided to lob at my head.) I cannot live like this. I do not want to live like this.

My goals include getting back to the original program that worked for me so many years ago (that I stayed on for a few years, and maintained with.) This should result in significant weight loss, but my real goal is now health (and less pain.) This goal includes my husband, because we're in our mid-40's now and I worry about heart attacks and the like, especially in his case.

I feel like I am starting from square one again, something I haven't felt in about 15 years, and it's depressing. But it's important to remember that just because you are starting again, it doesn't mean you'll stay at the beginning. Eventually, you can accomplish so much and not feel so bad about where you are at anymore. This starting point will be that distant memory soon enough.

Art/Career

Every year, I do an art quilt. This has all the work I did for the year in it, and this is 2016:

What I see here is 99% of the work I completed in 2016, and how little I actually created. Depression hit me hard, and while I mostly made it out of bed, I didn't make it into the studio. My heart wasn't in it, or much of anything. I do see some growth, a gradual switch back to oils (finally!) and a few other things... but mostly, I see that I am lost.

I work in separate genres (surreal and fantasy, and dabble with abstracts still), and while I have been this way for a long time, I have lost my "voice" in all of those over the past few years. I'm not sure why that happened. Maybe it's a natural consequence of growth, and it's normal and you just have to find it again. I certainly hope so.

I had so many goals at the end of 2015, because I thought that is what I needed to focus on in my career. The problem with losing your artistic voice and vision is that more production when you are uninspired and lost isn't possible or reasonable. You think it's the answer because it means money, and you think you'll figure it out while you sell what you create in the meantime. It's the wrong focus.

2017 is going to be different. In some ways, I realize I have lost certain skills, or simply don't have what I need yet. 2017 is going to be about pulling back. I'm going to sort of cocoon myself in my studio and LEARN. I want and need to learn several new techniques. I need to paint, without the intent to sell, without that pressure, so that I can give myself the room to grow again.

Will I continue to sell? Oh, sure, I have a thriving business and that will continue... but sort of on the back burner. It's not my focus for 2017, and I'm lucky enough to be able to take the space to try and improve myself as an artist. I have a long way to go, but to me, this is worth more than selling a painting ever again.

And there you have it, my goals! I thought there would be more, but I think it is best if I stick close to home, simple, and quiet with them.

I have personal goals, but they're kind of vague. I also suspect a lot of my personal goals and feeling better in general will be directly linked to achieving my health and art goals. Mind, body, and spirit. I sincerely want my spirit to stop feeling so wounded. I feel... like I'm bleeding, all the time, everywhere. I don't believe this is linked to just one thing, and I certainly cannot share publicly the deeper thoughts and issues I struggle with, because let's face it, the Internet hordes would crucify me. You cannot be totally human any more, not in person, and certainly not online.

So, I'll simply say that I hope for better. For health, and peace, and balance that 2016 lacked so significantly for me. I cannot control the world, what 2017 will pelt us all with from the outside. I CAN control what happens within my bubble and focus on being a better me.

I expect that I will be doing a lot more blogging about my progress on these goals, because it will be moving in the right direction and I think I would like to share that.

Do you have goals for 2017? Are you ready?

Year-end Wrap-up

Per my tradition that I started a few years ago, I have constructed my Painting Quilt for 2014. This is simply creating a big square space and plugging in all the paintings from the year into one spot. It's a nice way to see what I have completed in a year's time, not to mention to be able to see some growth.

It might look like a lot to some, but I fear it's actually far below what I had hoped for this year. Oh, and I realize it's got this one in it that I forgot to mention that I finally finished by request right before Christmas:

Eye Spy, 9x12 chalk pastel on pastel paper. Original sold, prints available.

This and the little dwarf with the spoons represents my experimentation with chalk pastels. Chalk was something I did a lot with in high school, but not professionally. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this medium, or if I'm going to abandon it. I imagine I'll work a bit more with it here and there, likely for the auction groups I work with on Facebook now and again.

Looking at my quilt, I can honestly say that I didn't complete anywhere near what I had set out to do. I looked up my post for last year and my big plan was to work on more large and in-depth paintings. I had such plans! ARGH! Instead, while I did finish the Queen of Hearts, as far as any large and in-depth paintings... I didn't do anything else. I'm pretty disappointed in myself on that level.

However, what I do see in my quilt, beyond experimenting with pastels, is a foray into digital art (bottom left corner) that I had been tiptoeing around for a long time. I had been thinking a lot about buying a real tablet (like a Cintiq) and trying my hand at digital art. To test out how I would do with that, I bought myself a Waccom pen for my ipad and the Art Studio app, which works a lot like photoshop. Those digital paintings resulted in a few that I really ended up loving like this one:

"Star Gazing" prints available

But I also realized that dropping major money on a high end tablet for digital art just isn't for me. I know that digital art always looks crisper on merchandise, and I'll probably create a few a year just for fun (and probably all having a bunny, rabbit, or bumblebee in them), but that I don't need to invest money in a big-time piece of equipment. The main reason is that I'm simply an artist who likes to get her hands dirty.

I like being able to see what I can create digitally, but I'm not drawn to it like I am a rack of paint on the wall and a stack of canvases. There's something about having the actual material beneath my fingers that I just need. So, I'll create my silly and fun digital work here and there (especially if I'm traveling or stuck somewhere), but my main focus will still be traditional work. I think realizing that about the digital artwork was a big accomplishment for 2014. It ticked one of those major questions off my artist bucket-list.

What I also see is a resurgence in my surreal side. I initially started professionally selling as a surreal and abstract artist, and then I kind of abandoned it for the fairy tale work. I realized a while ago that I need both, and I have begun to embrace that whole-heartedly. One of my very favorite paintings from 2014 is this one:

"Sail Away" 8x10 acrylic on canvas (original and prints available)

I had long been dreaming about a figure series where the character brings night with her. Honestly, I think I have been dreaming about this series since I was in high school. Finally, it just bubbled to the surface for a prompt, and I've completed two this year (the other being the black and white "Forward" painting.) Those two are the tiniest tip of the iceberg for me, and there will be many (MANY) more coming.

Looking forward to 2015 I see (and hope and plan):

• The Nyx series (night bringer) in both acrylic and oils
• Finishing out Alice if I can, I've been commissioned do many more paintings including the White Queen and Queen Alice which I am already started on and will be sharing that shortly. These are exclusively acrylic
• Red Riding Hood (and possibly others), and a return to oils
• A few more minis here and there because they're fun, in acrylic, watercolor, and possibly oils - but trying to not get sucked into them and have them take away from the larger pieces
• An Alice in Wonderland Calendar, and possibly a surreal one for 2016
• Creating a yearly Christmas painting that I offer as Christmas cards, as I did this year

I think if by the time I am putting together next year's quilt, I have less work but more in-depth pieces, I will be satisfied with that. So, here's to a very illuminating 2014, and I hope a more satisfying 2015!

In Black and White

Happy Monday everyone!

I'm struggling with being sick. My son came down with a cold/flu thing and I thought it would miss me. I was wrong. I can't decide if the worst part is the coughing or the horrible headaches it gives me. Or a low-grade fever that just makes me want to lay on the ground and stare at the ceiling.

So, I haven't been all that productive. I did finish my black and white piece, however, so here are some progress to finish pictures:

Just starting in on the figures after filing in the back

Sky filled, working on the wolf

All the black and white is done, now it's ready for tiny hints of color. I didn't expect to add a key, I actually thought the dress would be in her hand, but it worked out very differently.

"Forward" 8x10 inches acrylic on canvas panel. Iridescent paint on the moon, key, pendant, and wolf's eyes.

I learned an awful lot doing this painting. I learned that I haven't painted in a monochromatic way since college and doing value studies, and that it's a lot harder than I remember. I think that's probably because you can create so many values with different colors easier than if you are forced to use just one. It was good for me to do this.

I also learned to "lighten up" on fur. Normally, I think I overwork fur and add lots of precise fur-type details. It makes an animal look sharp, sharper than they probably need to. I forced (and I mean that it took some real struggle for me to let go) myself to back the heck off and go "soft" with it. The wolf looks SO much better. He looks like you would want to pet him. You can see on his tail where things are still a bit sharp and see the difference. Letting go was seriously hard for me, but I realize that in order to improve my technique, I need to do this.

So, I'm working on applying the softer fur technique to my holiday cats. This is a painting I sketched out and fully intended to finish LAST year, and here we are a year later. When it comes to art, I feel like the year is just so short! When it comes to other things (like waiting to move or lose weight) it's a thousand years long.

The original sketch on canvas 2013

progress made 2013, fireplace

more progress, 2013, finishing fireplace

And then I under-painted the stockings a little and went through a bit of art ADD, and didn't go back until now. *sigh* I know, I know. But here is this year's progress:

Working on the stockings

mostly done with the stockings, although looking at it now, I'm trying to decide whether to add sticking to the patches on them. I probably will...

And here is where it literally sits this morning. I just snapped the photo. I've decided that both cats are going to be black and white. I think it works best for the painting.

So, while I'm working on the cats, I'm trying very hard to make them soft. That's my mantra. Soft. Make them soft!

In other news, I woke up to a very light snow! I'm feeling very much in the holiday mood! My goal is to only paint fun holiday paintings for a while! Smaller ones than this, that take less time hopefully, so I'll have some to put in my shop! I just want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, I guess. I should have started the holiday paintings much earlier than I did!

I hope you are all doing well!

Happy New Year!

It's not quite 2014 here, but it is mere minutes away (well, about 60 of them.) Still, this year I am finding myself a bit sleepy and happy to see 2013 go.

I put together a painting quilt of my work from 2013:

In some ways, I am happy with that. In others, I see so much more room for improvement. More focus on the big, complicated and detailed paintings will be a priority for 2014. The minis were good, and will come back around here and there, but my goal is to reign in the ADD artist personality and start a more serious push through the bigger pieces like my Queen of Hearts, and Red Riding Hood is definitely coming your way!

One of my resolutions is to open up a little more on here. So, I plan on doing that. More about me and the art, not just art.

So, on that note this year I will also be focusing on my health as well as working on trying to make things better for my family and I. It was a tough 2013, with many things out of my control and sad or scary. I'm hoping for a much better 2014! But no matter what happens, I know I'll have paint brush in hand and paint splatters on just about everything I own... which is just about perfect!

Happy New Year!