Hello 2019!

I have to admit that I sat down to write out a post several times over the past months, and I just couldn't do it. I think part of the reason behind that was that every time I posted, something else would go wildly wrong, and it all just became too overwhelming.

I think a lot of people had a rough, or even awful 2018. I didn't see any posts on social media expressing how much they didn't want to see 2018 go, and rather it was a lot more "don't let the door hit you on the way out, 2018!"

As always, I use the end of the year to review. Some years, I feel pretty good about my year even with the knocks. This year, like so many other people, I was just over it.

At the tail end of the year, I tried to knock out some challenge paintings... that I then went and got too complicated with and only managed two of the 12 I should have done. One is a raccoon, and even though the prompt was "cookie", I'm pretty sure I channeled my own issues which led to me gaining 15 lbs since I moved back to Vermont...

"MY Cookie" 6x8 inches, acrylic on canvas panel (available)

Do you see it? I totally see it.

Man, I wish my pants fit right now. I'm trying to tell myself that making my jeans tight just made them into compression stockings... right? *sigh* I need a button that let's me zip my mouth shut. I still haven't hopped back onto the healthy eating train either. I was going to, I totally was going to! And then I tried to give up coffee, my son blew out his knee trying yoga with me, and... cookie.

The other painting prompt was "Ribbon":

Red Ribbon, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

Earlier, I got this one done for a deadline that I actually missed... but I liked him so much I had to finish him anyway. He's my "Twitterphant"!

"Twitterphant" 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas panel, Available

And then lastly, working with Thrice Fiction, I was given a story by someone I think Christmas doesn't bring good feelings for (that's putting it mildly.) I'm a holiday freak, as I'm sure you all know, so this was actually a challenge. I read the story to my kids and we came up with a zombie hand, but festive-style!

Zombie Christmas Tree, 5x7, Acrylic... my son is thinking of keeping it

I have to say I LOVE painting twinkle lights. There's something about being able to use paint to make you think something is glowing in real life. It's funny, because it's just paint... but your brain says "those are lights, and they are on" - I've never been able to paint a candle with the same effect, but I have seen it in some paintings and always marveled over it. I CAN pull it off with twinkle lights, though! HA! (Mental note: practice painting more candles this year.)

I'm kicking myself for missing the holiday season and having a reason to paint twinkle lights. Maybe Christmas 2019 will let me go wild with the lights in all the paintings! Here's hoping I get a chance to actually get a shot at that!

As always, I put together my painting quilt. This is EVERY single painting of 2019. I wish I had done more, but the ones I did, not so bad! My color choices continued to shift to more earthy (natural) tones, and I'm really enjoying that.

I have goals for 2019... not the least of which is to fit into my clothing again. I know, I know... no cookie. Sigh. 

I plan on painting. As always, that is my goal. My hope is to rebuild and bulk up my portfolio and start laying down artistic roots once again now that I am back in Vermont and it really feels like home. This year has the potential to yield big and wonderful things, and I truly hope that is what is actually in store for me.

I really hope you all had a decent 2018, but if not, at least it's over. I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone!

Oh, Where Have You Been?

I guess it's almost been a year since I wrote anything here. It looks like my last post was of Valentine's stuff in 2017. It's strange to look back and see that. Life was OK then, but it didn't stay that way.

You will have to forgive me for being somewhat vague about what has happened, it's just not something I can share details about. In March, a family crisis started. It escalated to the point that for months I pretty much stopped doing anything positive for myself. Anything I needed fell by the wayside, and my only focus was surviving it all. At one point, I could barely eat and I lost weight as a result (I'm a stress-eater, so this is a rare thing.) 

Sleeping, gone. Eating right (or at all some days), gone. Exercise, gone. Art, gone. Anything positive for myself, absolutely out of the question.

Part of this was an inability to focus correctly in the middle of the storm, because nothing matters at that moment. Not only did nothing else matter, but denying myself my own basic needs was almost like punishing myself. I wanted to punish myself, to be cruel in any way I could think of. It's not that I did anything wrong, it was that the whole situation wasn't anyone's fault... so it felt good to take my frustration out on the only person I could: me. I made it my fault, even if I knew it wasn't. 

I don't handle being helpless very well, clearly. I also don't handle my world being flipped inside out with any real grace. I've spent more time crying in the shower or my closet than I will freely admit. But I will say it's amazing how just the right spot in your closet can feel like a safe haven.

Things are still not OK here, although they have improved since this past Spring and Summer, but they're slated to get a bit worse in the coming months... with hopefully some sunshine at the end of a long tunnel (but we have been promised that before.) 

I have put together my yearly painting quilt for 2017:

I did very few serious paintings. Most of these are little "daily" paintings I finally started to work on in the Autumn. If I hadn't, there would only be about five paintings or so in it. Considering most of these are dailies, there are even fewer paintings than there should be overall if I was committed even to that.

2017 was about teaching me that I have no real control. Bad things happen, even when you had nothing to do with it. Bad things happen, even though you try to stop or fix things. Bad things happen, and it's not about fair. What happened in 2017 wasn't my fault, but I still had to deal with the fall-out. I realized that control and influence are an illusion, and that made me care little about anything outside of my family. I put my own needs outside of that circle as well.

What I have learned, not heard and acknowledged, but actually learned, is that I have to stop making myself LESS. When I put my wants to the side, that's fine, because the world doesn't revolve around me and people should learn to do that more often. However, when I put my NEEDS aside, it makes me less of a person. If I am less of a person, I am not capable of doing the job I need to do for those that I care about. By being less, I am offering less to those that need me. 

I need to start being MORE.

When you are so busy surviving and taking your frustrations out on yourself, it's hard to stop that momentum and think about being good to yourself for a change. Kindness to yourself is hard. It's much easier to keep beating myself up because I can't take out my angst on anyone else, as that would be unfair. It is even daunting to maybe - maybe - consider the idea that I'm deserving of being treated better, just like everyone else.

It feels wrong, but I know it's the right thing to do. So, I'm trying to get myself back on the right path. I do not expect that 2018 will be a good year, but maybe I can be in a better place by the end of it.

So, here is my list. My resolutions, I suppose:

* Eat right, because it's not about weight anymore, my health is a problem now too.

* Exercise, because I am always better when I do. Also, health and pain benefits, so it's non-negotiable. 

* Sleep, I'm really trying to manage this one but I don't have a lot of great strategies yet. Not eating after 6pm or 7pm helps me sleep better. I'm taking melatonin as well, but it's the anxiety that is ruining my sleep. As that anxiety is actually rooted to when something actually happens, there isn't a lot I can do about it.

* Art/Career, I'm making it a real point to make it into my studio in 2018. Today will be the first day of painting for 2018, because already life got in the way this new year (although I did get my business taxes filed, so... whatever, the boring stuff counts too!)  I also know that I am now searching for my "opus". For me, I want to create a large series that will be well worth leaving behind me when I am gone. So, I am searching for that idea that inspires that in me. Once I have it, I will "train" towards it, until I'm ready to start. This is a years-long journey, but it's worth it. I have purpose again beyond the commissions and gallery shows. More on this later.

* Breath, I'm trying really hard to give myself time to breath (I hate yoga and meditation, it actually makes me angry... running is my zen. I'm that type. So, that's not what I mean.) I'm working on speaking to myself -on the inside- in the moment about how it's not all my responsibility and I cannot fix everything, and how that is OK even if it feels like it's not. It's the closest I can get to treating myself with kindness, beyond meeting my own basic needs right now.

My hope is that from these five things, I can grow other beneficial behaviors and results. This is my base I'm cobbling back together, and I am hopeful to see what I can build on top of it once it is stable.

I'm going to really try to make 2018 better than 2017 was. I'm fearful, because 2017 was so bad, but it's just one of those things, isn't it? The days will pass whether I want them to or not, at their own speed. It is good to meet tomorrow better than I did today, and next month better than this month, so that maybe - just maybe - I'll meet 2019 in a completely different place.

Looking Forward

I hope you had a lovely holiday (or stretch of December, whatever you celebrate or don't!) We had a weirdly warm Christmas. On Christmas Eve, my daughter and I ran out to get some ingredients for the traditional buttermilk Cinnamon rolls we always make... and it was 79 degrees.

I wore shorts. I died a little inside.

I know it sounds silly, but cold weather and snow are a part of my blood. I have never lived somewhere where I am likely to have little to NONE of the fluffy white stuff. I'm not contradicting myself about the -40F the teens and I suffered through all by ourselves in Vermont last season, because there's simply no way to enjoy that. However, I have always lived where there has been a decent winter season, at least a few good snows worthy of building snowmen and forts and snuggling down in front of a fire inside and appreciating how lucky we are to be surrounded by our warm comforts in the form of hot chocolate and soft pajamas.

I know, they can get cold weather here in North Carolina (Raleigh area) too. I'm just... not very optimistic about it all right now.

However! We still did holiday decorating and baking... and the new neighbors beat me to the punch in bringing everyone cookies. It was like a reverse trick-or-treating bonanza! We ended up with cookies, ornaments, wine, and other gifts. I felt a bit intimidated just giving a bag of different cookies we baked and a miniature gingerbread house we baked and decorated, but they seemed to go over alright:

All the little houses we baked and decorated, before we bagged them in cellophane for delivery.

My parents came over for Christmas Eve dinner, where we did one gift (always PJ's, but the kids still look forward to them) and crackers!

My daughter, mom and dad, and my husband. Mom was a little afraid of the crackers, but most of them didn't go off with a big bang. There was one or two, though!

Christmas itself was lovely and low-key. I crave low-key. So, this made me happy! Not a lot of pictures from the actual day...

I did snap a picture of myself real quick, though.

Ok, it's time for studio and stuff talk!

2016 is FAST approaching! I have plans, big plans for this coming year. My thoughts are that I have finally relocated after that horrible, long, drawn-out move. I have settled, and unpacked, and even (mostly) organized my studio. Nothing should be standing in my way but me.

Before I get to all of that though, here is a painting I finished for Thrice Fiction Magazine, and I actually really like it:

"Ripples" 9x12, oil on canvas (available)

I made the decision that this year, since I am new to NC, I am not going to be seeking out any gallery representation until perhaps the end of the year. I am also not going to book any spots in art fairs or what-have-you, because I just don't know what all is out there and what are best suited for my stuff. I do plan on visiting any that look promising to scout them out. Reconnaissance!

Because I'm not doing any shows, I have set a hard schedule for 2016. I mean, really hard. I have 56 paintings scheduled. That includes finishing up some commissions and Alice in Wonderland pieces to finally close that series out, as well as auctions, and then I'm very excited to be starting THREE new series!

The first is for my surreal, that was built off my snowy elephant from my last post. I have elephants on my brain, and have had for a very long time. I'm going to do a surreal set of 12 paintings.

The second is my Nox series that I was supposed to do this year and did not. It's all about a surreal stars/sky figure paintings, another set of 12.

The last is a NEW fairy tale! YAY! I just haven't picked it yet. I need to do that soon, though. I'm trying to decide. But it will be another series of at least 12.

Balanced on my business plans is the plan to get my act together and lose this darn weight which has been creeping up for the past few years. I'm not even fit anymore, as the move put a stop to access to my exercise equipment. I have it all once again, and so that all starts anew as well! This is a big thing, because I have been having health issues I think are directly related to how unhealthily I have been living since we moved. Time to undo the damage (boy I hope I can! I hope it's not forever now with these problems. It's like being punished.)

The last thing I need to do is schedule an eye exam... because I think being over 40 has caught up with me. I'm having pain in my right temple, and I thought for a long time that maybe it was a sinus thing. And then I wondered about my eyes and how they seemed to be getting worse, so I put on my not great reading glasses and amazingly the pain was less. I think my eyes aged out on me, TRAITORS!!!

Anyway, I'm excited and all charged up for 2016! Hopefully LESS changes than 2015, and a whole lot more work and progress in the studio!  I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year!

Happy New Year!

It's not quite 2014 here, but it is mere minutes away (well, about 60 of them.) Still, this year I am finding myself a bit sleepy and happy to see 2013 go.

I put together a painting quilt of my work from 2013:

In some ways, I am happy with that. In others, I see so much more room for improvement. More focus on the big, complicated and detailed paintings will be a priority for 2014. The minis were good, and will come back around here and there, but my goal is to reign in the ADD artist personality and start a more serious push through the bigger pieces like my Queen of Hearts, and Red Riding Hood is definitely coming your way!

One of my resolutions is to open up a little more on here. So, I plan on doing that. More about me and the art, not just art.

So, on that note this year I will also be focusing on my health as well as working on trying to make things better for my family and I. It was a tough 2013, with many things out of my control and sad or scary. I'm hoping for a much better 2014! But no matter what happens, I know I'll have paint brush in hand and paint splatters on just about everything I own... which is just about perfect!

Happy New Year!