I finished up some more ACEOs for the open auction tomorrow on the artist collective on Facebook:
While fine, I'm finding they're a diversion. I'm not deriving the kind of satisfaction from them that I need. As I said in my previous post, I need to get back to what makes me fulfilled in the studio, and those are the big pieces with stories in them. Things going on that make you want to stop and stay awhile to figure it out.
I know this more than ever now, because when I look at my paintings and what I'm proud of, I feel a lot more from some than others. I know that's natural, but it's deeper than that. So, back to the big paintings! And allowing myself peace that I simply work slow. It is what it is.
My queen of hearts is on my easel once again:
|These are some of the iridescent paints I use (I have a whole slew of them). They are not opaque, for the most part. They seem, like they would be, but then they sort of spread out more like a glaze.|
I have no updates to share about my potential move. This ups my stress level considerably, because I feel like I'm losing time. If it's really a yes, then the amount of work I have to do simply to get this house ready for the market is overwhelming. The less time I have to do it in, the more panic that is likely to ensue, and it's making me nervous! If they really would like him to start this new position in late June... well, it's late March now! Eeek!
I think the hardest part isn't even all of that though. No, the hardest part is that I'm a pessimist. You see, now that I actually want to move, I think the odds go higher that something will happen and we won't. If it had been something I was dead set against, it would happen without question. It's still a move where I am jumping off into the unknown, not having been to the place at all... but I'm so unhappy here, that I figure it's got to be an improvement!
So, we're still here without a 100% solid answer. My husband feels it's a done deal, but as more time passes my gut instincts think something is up. Now, to be fair... whatever life throws at you (minus tragedy) tends to be what should happen. What I mean by that is that nothing has ever been taken away or happened that wasn't for the better, as if it was sort of meant to be. Do I believe in fate? No, not really. It's just the way things have worked out. Perhaps, it's us making the best of whatever situation we are thrown, but sometimes it just feels like something more.
It happened when we purchased our first house. It was a booming market in 1998, and houses were being snapped up within hours of being on the market. The prices were rising daily. Every time we had enough saved up, the prices would jump and we wouldn't have enough of a down payment. Every house we tried to bid on went under contract before we could send our bid in (sometimes just by minutes!) We were so depressed.
I was pregnant, and ill most of the time so I was unable to work, and I finally decided I had to get out of the house. I took a pottery class, because I've always enjoyed throwing. There, at the class, the woman next to me mentioned she was going to be selling her house. We weren't very well off, so I said I'd like to hear about it - sure that it was out of my reach. Instead, the house was perfect, right in our reach, and located exactly where we wanted. Through that chance meeting, we put her house under contract before it went to market and thus purchased our very first house. It was a better house than the others we had been bidding on, in a better neighborhood, and closer to my mother. All things we couldn't find in one place that sort of fell into our lap. It was easy!
My mother is a big fan of saying "Whatever is meant to be, will be" and "If you find yourself fighting so much, that you know you're trying to swim upstream? You need to ask yourself if you're doing the right thing. Yes, the things you want, you have to fight for. However, some times you find you're fighting TOO HARD, and there is a reason; it's not the right thing for you."
Yes, my mother is Yoda.
Anyhow, she's usually right. Those thoughts bear out over and over. Whatever is meant to be will happen, and it'll be what's best for us as long as I am paying attention and making good choices. We may not get what we always want, but maybe we weren't supposed to have it anyway. Maybe it was the wrong thing for us, and letting it go was best.
So, this is me trying to be Zen. Not fighting, but hoping for the change we need.
I happen to suck at being Zen, though. I should probably go for another run.